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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sorry mil Raaaaaaaaaant!

19 replies

SecondMrsDeWinterWonderland · 16/11/2008 14:46

I have ds 13 months and am 9 weeks pg with baby no 2. The very 1st thing she said when we delivered good news was "I want another boy" (df is only child so ds is only gc) I said "you will get what you are given!" (half joking, but really not itswim). She then said it again when we went for lunch the other day, not once, but THREE times. Each time we told her more firmly that she really shouldn't say that. The final time I told her that no matter whether we have a ds2 or dd we would love them as much as ds1 & hope she would too. She replied "of course I would I just don't know what do do with girls I like boys". The final part to add is that she lives 10 mins up the road & see's ds approx once twice a month. Has looked after him very, very rarely but has never changed a nappy, in fact, she looked after him when I had a crown fitted at dentist & when I came home he gave me a big hug & I noticed that he had a foul smelling bum, she said "Oh yes, he did that a while ago". Now I don't see why a woman who knows shit all about her existing gc should be allowed any strong views on the sex of a future gc & I am paranoid that if we have a girl she will treat her differently.

I would quite happliy never see the old bat again but she is df's Mother & ds's GM & I really want them to have a good relatinship with her. My question to you all is - Am I being harsh on her or over protective of my precious bump??

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compo · 16/11/2008 14:49

you are being harsh and maybe a tad hormonal

It is just something to say 'I wouldn't know what to do with a girl'

she won't love her any less

seeing her once or twice a month sounds fine to me although next time you ask her to babysit I would ask her if she is okay changing stinky nappies.

catsmother · 16/11/2008 14:50

You're not being harsh, but she's being rude and insensitive.

All the wishing in the world won't make the new baby a boy if that's what it's destined NOT to be.

And if she hasn't got the compassion to change a dirty nappy - rather than risking the child getting a sore bum - she's hardly a superstar grandma anyway.

I'd ignore her if she says this again ..... well, for the next couple of times. If she won't let it drop I think I'd be having very stern words.

myermay · 16/11/2008 14:52

ha ha crazy lady alert! it would upset me too, but try to ignore it - each time she says it, just ignore or change the subject. It's very odd that she has such a strong desire for a particular sex yet never see's your ds.

Just see what she's like when dc2 is born, if it is a girl and she is noticably different then react, until then just ignore her,

Congratulations x

beeny · 16/11/2008 14:55

You are not being harsh she is rude.

Littleladyloulou · 16/11/2008 14:58

YANBU

She has expressed preference for another boy, fine, but why repeat it especially after you've asked her not too.

GRRRR it annoys me when people put their OWN feelings and insecurities before those of the expectant mother! ie "I wouldn't know what to do with a girl" may be just something to say but to be frank there are a host of other more pleasant and positive things to say about the prospect of a new DGC. Why can't she keep her negative comments to herself or her friends, and not put it on the parents-to-be.

It's the same arrogant mentality of those who express distaste of the names you've chosen, or pull faces at your new pram cos "they don't like" black/red combo, or cream/blue or whatever it is. Unless it's a matter of life/death, keep your goddarn opinions to yourself!!!

[Rant rant]

SecondMrsDeWinterWonderland · 16/11/2008 14:58

I may well be a bit hormonal but I figure that she should be aware of that fact and not keep on saying it when I clearly state that it upsets me! DF is going to have a chat to her as there are many other crap grandma things that keep happening & it is just getting resll yuncomfortable to be around her. Ds is starting to understand things now & I would love for him to have a good relationship with her as she really does love him but she is bloody tactless & rude. We shall see if she takes any of df's points on board. He will be a lot more diplomatic than me so has nominated himself to speak to her lol.

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SecondMrsDeWinterWonderland · 16/11/2008 15:00

Oooo littlelady - don't get me started! You become public property when you have a child/are pregnant. People feel they can say whatever is on their mind & give you their opinion whether you ask for it or not. MIL is one of those people & I have cringed at the things she says to total strangers when we've been out

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citronella · 16/11/2008 15:04

YANBU

myermay · 16/11/2008 15:06

the thing is secondmrs, you can't make her something she's not, if she only sees you ds twice a month then that obviously suits her lifestyle. I'm not saying i understand it.....i have a MIL whose somewhat aloof, and i often envy the mIL's who come over and take over, help with housework and want to look after the kids - i'd love a bit of that!!!

renaissance · 16/11/2008 15:09

Are you sure that isn't my mil?

She went on and on about 'wanting a boy' as if:

  1. Me reproducing had anything to do with her.
  2. I cared about her opinion
  3. If she does have an opinion, shouldn't she keep it to herself?

We did have a girl who she adores, and now also have a boy.

Oh, and yesterday when I came home, both had poo pants at the same time. Or so she says.

I wouldn't listen to anything your mil has to say. Or perhaps just a sarky comment if she makes the comment, 'I want a boy...' Say something like, 'well, did you hear about that Italian woman who gave birth at 70... '

Littleladyloulou · 16/11/2008 15:37

I know, SMdWW!! It is amazing the stuff people ask - they are so nosy/rude! And commenting on how much weight you've put on, inviting others to comment too. Asking if it was planned is my pet hate - how feckling cheeky can you get? "No it wasn't - we were careless with contraception". "No it wasn't - I trapped him" . "Yes it was - we have been trying for 2 years and have had 2 cycles of IVF".... happy now are you?!?!

On the OTHER end of the scale are those people for whom the pg is the elephant in the room. They (both men AND women) will not look/refer/ask about the baby, smoke in front of you, look puzzled/roll eyes when you politely turn down a glass of wine (all this with an unmistakeable ENORMOUS bump). Expect you to last until 1am on a night out at 7m pg and cannot understand why you don't want to go on somewhere else....

Sorry - thread take-over Step A-Way from the thread LLLL, it's not yours...

sazzerbear · 16/11/2008 15:45

myermay - I hear you, maybe we can hire a lovely MIL who can take it in turns to help us all??!!

myermay · 16/11/2008 15:57

oh that would be lovely. I honestly would love a MIL who was passionate about her grandchildren, but mine wasn't about her own kids so i guess they stand no chance!

It's not that she's a bad person, she just has her own life and that's all she's interested in. My mum has her own life and social life but bends over backwards for her grandchildren, and genuinely love spending time with them. You reep your seeds, as they say though!

Rubysmom08 · 16/11/2008 16:07

when we annouced this pregnancy, MIl bent down to dd1 (9months) and said don't worry sweetie if there's not enough love to go round then you can come and live with nanna and gramps... paranoid me!!!!!!!

Ronaldinhio · 16/11/2008 16:19

yanbu
but perhaps she really is concerned about how to treat little girls...never having had experience of them?
Tell her you'd like her to see more of your ds1 and pass him to her when he needs a nappy change!

SecondMrsDeWinterWonderland · 16/11/2008 19:32

I have asked her if she'd like to change his nappy & her reply was "I don't do other peoples shit" . I've not asked her since!

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BoffinMum · 16/11/2008 19:48

Well let's hope your MIL doesn't get too senile to wipe her own arse then, or she'll have real problems in later life, if that's everyone else's attitude.

beakysmum · 16/11/2008 20:36

YANBU.

It's like a fore warning that she is not going to love the baby if it is a girl. Any mother would bristle at that! You would hope that grandparents would have unconditional love for any child just cos it is their grandchild. But no.... not in my experience. Mine won't be "left alone" with my two as she says she doesn't know what to do with children

SecondMrsDeWinterWonderland · 17/11/2008 08:37

It makes me wonder how the feck they managed to bring up thier own kids hey? Her excuse being that dp is 35 & she's out of practice. Clearly needs practice at being tactfull too. I've decided to just see as little as possible of her & see how she is with the baby when he/she comes along as I could drive myself mad wondering how she MIGHT behave!

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