Birthday parties and presents for other people's children - it's getting ludicrous

[Quattrocento]

DD is going to yet another infernal birthday party this afternoon.

The deal is that I pay for birthday presents. My limit is £15. This seems to me to be eminently reasonable. DD has then augmented the money with £10 of her own money, and has therefore spent £25 on this school-friend's birthday. Let's call the school-friend M.

When I asked her why she was spending so much inappropriately, DD explained that she thinks the average spend on birthday presents in her year is around £40. She reminds me that when it was her birthday party, M gave her the latest DS game, a beautiful embroidered and undoubtedly expensive purse with £10 spending money inside, plus an address book. DD estimates the value of M's various gifts to be well over £50.

Now this is just ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous, and wasteful and inappropriate. Why do other parents do it? They must know it creates pressure for us to reciprocate in kind.

My God! That is ridiculous!!! How old are they?

They are in year 6. Ten going on eleven.

My word, that is ridiculous

They must obviously be teens? My dd (age 6)is going to a birthday party this afternoon and her gift to the birthday girl is a book. (value on the book states 5.99 but I bought it in a multi-pack so only cost me 1 pound)
I just cannot afford it otherwise.

We have a limit of £5 for school friends, £10 for the best friend and £15 for family members.

For class friends I spend £5-£10 per child. DD is only 6y and therefore doesn't add any more.

I also agree it sounds ridiculous. Maybe have a chat with DD about what a true friendship is about, and that one upmanship on gifts isn't it.

Ds is in Y5, so his friends are turning 10. I still try to stick to the £5 rule but often end up spending around £7 - £8. No way would I spend £15, and I would not allow my dd to supplement either. Because once one person starts givign expensive presents, they all follow. And that is something I just could not afford!

I also try and get bargains too. DD at party this afternoon and I got stationary type stuff, pretty girly stuff. All on 3 for 2.

Me too Hula - last year I found a load of lockable fairy notebooks and matching pens, all half price, so stocked up and used these as presents when dd had a party to attend. This year I have done books.

I think it gets harder as they get older though.

Blood and thunder! Gawd. Is this bf, or is she going to have to keep this up for e/one?

That's a really hard one. As e/one else has said, utterly mad - but how difficult for dd to resist the pressure.

I think perhaps next year encourage her to get things cheaply, in sales or on offe, well in advance, so that it looks as though she's spent more than she has?

Gawd, forty quid!

Quattro, do 10 year olds expect to choose presents for their friends? I only have a 5 year old and she frequently does not even know or ask what present she got her friend for their (umpteenth) birthday party. Bought courtesy of me, of course, from various sales.

My limit is under £15 for that age group too. Stick to your guns. Although, if your dd wants to spend her own money on it, I'd prob let her. She might learn a bit about money

Blimey, why put the £10 inside the purse ? Totally over the top IMO I spend about £50 on MY own child's present, certainly wouldn't entertain spending that on somebody else's, not even in the family.

Many 10 yr olds + do like to choose the present themselves. Children this age can be more judgemental so it can be a much trickier issue than buying something cheap and cheerful for a 5 yr old.

DD is in year 3, and we are entering the phase of party invites to 'special friends only' rather than entire class.

When entire class was the norm, I had a smaller budget per present because we were going to more parties - one most every weekend. Dd now goes to perhaps one party a month.

Is it expected that gifts are more expensive as parties become smaller and invites less frequent? Quattro - that is the only justification I can think of for such expensive presents....unless this girl is an especially close friend? Or perhaps you/dd move in very wealthy circles?

If my DD is typical, and I suspect she is, 10 year olds do indeed expect to choose the presents for their friends.

I used to be able to buy all sorts of stuff in advance for birthday presents. I also used to recycle birthday presents - so when the DC's got a sack of 30 or so gifts at their birthday parties, I'd let them keep a few and recycle the rest.

Unfortunately this no longer works. No, it's not her best friend. The girls are quite close but not her best friend.

I do worry that they just don't learn the value of money from all these orgies of spending...

Jeez, your DD's friends must be rich!

My limit is £5.

I refuse to spend more then £10 on freinds birhtday presents.

I was speaking to DH about this i dd1 has 9 freinds birthday between now and the end of jan. This is without any new freinds she has made at school.

I will be looking for 3 for 2 gifts.

They might learn the value, though, if you stick to £15 and she pays any extra.

I feel very uneasy about the unkind judginess that can go on among girls this age so it is an issue to think about. You don't want your child to be left out, but you also don't want your child to be sucked into a ridiculous system where popularity is partly rated by what presents you give.

Oh pointy, that was reassuring. It's a fine balance, isn't it.

DH (bless him) has taken DD off to this ice-rink, a 50 minute drive away, muttering various imprecations about sodding birthday parties not being his ideal way of spending a Sunday afternoon.

He's leaving me mumsnetting tackling all the leaves ...

It's all about status and stuff isn't it, and I have severe misgivings about the children getting sucked into Affluenza type behaviour so young. Ten is young to be feeling this sort of peer pressure.

That;'s a lot of money. Affluent circles I guess.
I spend £10 and so do msot of the parents I know.

I suppose if you want her to understand the actual value of the money spent, you could make her 'earn' the money at say a rate of £5 hour/ task completed? if she wants to spend £40 on a gift she has to work 8 hours to earn it.

I remember I was pretty annoyed at age 12 when a close friend gave me old lady lavender soaps for my birthday (her mum's choice from "the present drawer".

My objection was that she didn't bother to choose something herself, not how much it cost.

£10- £15 is plenty as a budget to get something well chosen that a child would like in my opinion. Are you moving in affluent circles?

I spend only £5 on class-mates, but if it's a child I know really well a bit more.

It's a great time to stock up on presents, I have bought bits on the M & S website today, with the 3 for 2 offers. (if anyone does, it's free delivery for over £30.00 and a futher 15% code on the savings section).

, i dont spend that much on the dd's for their birthdays, thats mad. £5 is my limmit.