To loathe Xmas lists for adults???

[feelingfestive]

It happens every year. About now we get a call from the IL's - 2 calls actually, from PIL and BIL - asking what is on our Xmas lists. They don't want broad categories, eg feelingfestive would like some luxurious bath stuff, they want precise details, exact makes, even serial numbers.

They will not be fobbed off with subtle deflections and hassle and moan until they have a list, giving the distinct impression that I am rude/disorganised not to supply the info quicker. I am really not bothered what they get me and genuinely believe it is the thought that counts.

Even more irritatingly, I have to give them some of my ideas for dc thus making my shopping harder and for dh they expect me to liaise between the various family members as to who has bought what so there are no duplicates.

Last year, even with this info it was all so impossible that they organised for us to go shopping on the key pre-xmas weekend in order to buy the presents with them. ie we went trailing around the shops and pointed things out, then pretended to look away whilst they stood at the till.

This is not how we do Christmas in our family and every year it depresses me. Dh agrees it has got a bit mad, but doesn't want to cause problems so does what they want.

They are not particularly old and not at all infirm! They do plenty of shopping for themselves and have loads of spare time for golf, eating out, going abroad etc. So it isn't that they find it all so exhausting they need help.

AIBU to wish they could have a think about what we might like and put a bit of effort in themselves? Instead of effectively asking me to do their shopping for them as well as my own. Well, am I?!

YANBU, hate it, hate it. And when I play the game, and put off getting something I want or need so I can ask someone to get it for me for Christmas, they don't.

Sent DD1 off to the toy dept with her uncle today. Hope they sorted something out between them.

YANBU - I don't mind giving people ideas of what ds is into (i.e. not specific product) as kids likes change so quickly.

But for adults or a child you see often it kinda defeats the point of a present if you need to be told what to get. Surely the idea is you put thought into considering what the person would like.

Don't like it myself.

Tell them not to worry... just to send you the money if they are going to make such a parlava about it.

Hmm it all sounds a bit clinical I suppose.

I can see what you're driving at here but then again certainly where children are concerned my parents and inlaws do need this help or they are stumped.

We had an awful duplication problem one birthday which was embarrassing as we had to decide which grandmas present had to be exchanged for something else. And it was a big ride along toy too so nothing we could subtely hide.

Also for me, I would rather choose as my mil has chosen clothes and jewellery for me which I would never wear and which I know cost her quite a bit of money. Often they give me some money and I choose something I would like in the sales and I enjoy doing that.

I admit I do have a bit of a moan about having to be very involved in coming up with suggestions and often even going to get things for grandmas to give, but it seems easier in the long run where dc are concerned. It's toys that throw them though. There are just so many and it confuses me let alone them so I can see why they need help.

Other things like clothes for dc though is fine for grandmas to get because they always choose very well get and it's nice to see what they have chosen.

yanbu

I would put my foot down and just tell them to get vouchers as it seems to have got abit ott

cor. My in-laws send dh 20 quid, the kids 10 pound and me nothing.

Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? Fil used to present us with the Argos catalogue and demand to know what all four of us wanted - precisely rather than generally. If it wasn't in Argos, it wouldn't be offered! Thank goodness we've now agreed to not do gifts for adults at all!

That sounds over the top, but I think the general concept of a list is OK. In my family we exchange a mixture: 'main' presents will normally be things from lists; smaller presents are not necessarily on the lists and include surprises.

One year I didn't fancy getting my sister any of the things on her list and decided it would be a great idea to buy her a case of wine instead; she then announced that she was pg! (She hadn't told me she was ttc.) Wouldn't have happened if I'd stuck to the list...

I would either ask for vouchers (say you are saving up for something and vouchers for shop xx would help) or ask them not to give you anything at all. I do sympathise - each year I get my parents, my in-laws, my siblings and my siblings-in-law all asking what they can buy dh. If I knew, I'd buy it myself. So this year I've told them he doesn't need anything and if they really want to get him (or me) a present, please buy garden vouchers...

feelingfestive, you have just described my IL's EXACTLY. My own family have never done Christmas this way- we might ask for hints or categories or ask each other for ideas for another family member's present but we have never made lists of specific items.

As others have said, I don't mind so much giving ideas for the children's presents but I find it a huge headache having to provide IL's with a list for myself. I can never think of anything I want and I'd much rather receive a surprise gift that someone has thought about, even if the item is not exactly my cup of tea.

We, too, get pestered for our Christmas lists by the end of October and MIL gets 'faux' stroppy if we don't comply. Heaven help us if we don't buy her stuff off her wish-list. One year we chose a really nice yoga mat as one of her surprise presents (she teaches yoga) and promptly had to proved the receipt as she didn't 'really need it' and wanted to exchange it for something else. It just seemed really ungrateful to me when we'd been really pleased with ourselves for choosing something that was: a) unexpected and b) suited to the receiver's interests!

Another issue is the size of the presents our DC receive from the IL's. Not just pricey but large too e.g. play kitchen, huge play sink, slide, swings, doll's prams... All very generous etc. but we don't have the space for it all.

Ahhhhhhh, feeling so much better now I've got that off my chest

My IL's are really smashing people on the whole, just a tad excessive.

What's the point in buying a present and wrapping it if they already know what it is? I thought the whole idea of buying someone a present is that it's a surprise and that you've put some thought into it yourself, not just asked them. I think the way that some adults have lists and expect to get given things is quite wrong.

DP and I limit each other to £10, so that we have to put a bit of thought into it, and have done away with presents for all extended family, instead using the money to sponsor a child in a developing country, which makes me feel much better than buying 3 for 2 bubble bath for my 2nd cousins' children.

should have added the [holier than thou] icon to my message

My family have a slightly more liberal approach than the OP's ILs. They require a list because unfortunately due to living so far apart, my siblings/cousins etc don't know each other as well as we'd like. Also, there are only so many notebooks/photo frames/ornamental pygmy penguins you can stand to receive over the years.

YANBU to expect that you shouldn't need to be so specific, but unless you don't mind keeping a piece of junk you don't really want or need, a list is the way to go i'm afraid.

YABU (Although I do agree their way of doing things seem a bit OTT). I think it is a good idea to buy things that you know people genuinely want - the environment does not need us buying cr@p that people do not need - waste of money, waste of people's time and waste of the earth's resources. Personally, I think it is better to just buy a few things that people really want rather than yet another bottle of perfume / smellies etc etc. In my experience, no matter how well intentioned people are, I have had some really weird stuff from people who should know me best (like what on earth made them think I would like that??) But of course, you smile sweetly and say thanks - but it would be better if we just bought the things we needed / wanted in the first place, and lists are a more effective way of achieveing this.

YANBU to despise them doing it sooo anally and in this fashion.

I have no problem with being casually asked if there's anything I'd especially like - I keep a little wish list going on the fridge (all year! ) of things I might like for Christmas or to treat myself to. Nor do I mind DS's grandparents asking for ideas for DS, especially since he is after a few particular things this year.

But being badgered into this, treated as though disorganised when resisting, and having to do the shopping with them on the weekend before Christmas - nooo way. Not on.

FIL is the only family member who's come vaguely close to being like your inlaws - asking, with increasing harrassment factor the nearer to Christmas - for precise gift ideas. And it used to piss XP and I off no end. He is a man of zero imagination, so I can see clearly why he has trouble with this kind of thing. With people like this, maybe asking for money or vouchers is the best bet: you are giving them an answer, they can't struggle getting hold of these options, and you can turn them into something you genuinely want. Or you could try keeping a little list going all year - jotting things down whenever you get an idea - and issue it to them before they even ask (ha!). But at the same time, you don't want to indulge them too much.

There's a compromise to be reached here with this asking-for-present-ideas business and they are miles off it.

Good luck!

YANBU
What a hideous concept! I had never heard of it till now!

Maybe on my own here but I think its nice to be asked what you'd like - and I'd always ask people for ideas of what they want themselves.

Otherwise the whole thing can turn into an eye wateringly wasteful unwanted-tat-exchange-fest where Oxfam is the only winner!

Imagine if you will the nightmare alternative, where you get something that you don't need/want/like but have to wear all day (and in photgraphs too) along with a big false smile. In comparison, is it really such a hardship to provide some ideas of presents you'd like?!

Maybe on my own here but I think its nice to be asked what you'd like - and I'd always ask people for ideas of what they want themselves.

Otherwise the whole thing can turn into an eye wateringly wasteful unwanted-tat-exchange-fest where Oxfam is the only winner!

Imagine if you will the nightmare alternative, where you get something that you don't need/want/like but have to wear all day (and in photgraphs too) along with a big false smile. In comparison, is it really such a hardship to provide some ideas of presents you'd like?!

Christ your OP dismayed me, I am sat here like this

It sounds grim grim grim

"we trailed round the shops pointing things out and then pretended to look away while they stood at the till" that is GROTESQUE

Be as blunt as you have to be, this has got to STOP

serial numbers

oops sorry - computer is being rubbish tonight. All I see is the egg timer for minutes at a time!

Thanks for all the replies - glad the consensus seems to be that it isn't very festive!

I understand where the avoiding waste posters are coming from but does it matter that much if presents are a bit off? I might have chosen a blue scarf, but so what if I then get gloves with purple spots from MIL. Maybe it is nice to have a bit of variety. I might even decide I like them better.

Maybe in a world where no one had anything ever it would be vital to avoid 'mistakes' (and I can remember really caring as a teenager) but frankly now Christmas is about some time off, eating lots and spending some time with family. It is great if you also get some thoughtful gifts - perfect if they are exactly what you would have chosen if you had seen them in the shops. A surprise, a treat and extra xmas glow in that a) the giver knows you so well and b) has spent time pondering what you would like.

At the moment we are only one step away from declaring how much we spend on each other and then writing cheques for the difference ie We would have spent £35 on B&SIL, they were planning to spend £30 on us, we supply £5 cheque instead.....

Bah humbug to all that!