To want to ask my brother to consider moving from Australia back to the UK?

[LeavesLeavesEverywhere]

He's lived there for seven years, has been married to an Australian woman for that time, and I know considers the place home.

Unfortunately, his marriage recently ended after a turbulent year. For a while, he kept saying he'd come back to the UK, or move to a European country closer to us, but now - feeling stronger and more independent (which is, of course, good) - he plans to move elsewhere in Australia and start a new life there.

The trouble is, I really want to ask him to consider moving back here before he is again committed - because of a partner/children - to staying there.

The reasons are that:

(1) My dad, due to a health condition, is not able to fly out to visit my brother.

(2) My parents are legendary grandparents to my DS and I think that any kids my brother may have would miss out by not being able to build a relationship with them - and my dad is desperately sad to think he may have more grandchildren he won't get to know.

(3) Most significantly, we have a disabled younger sister who lives with my parents (repeated efforts to work with Social Services to help her move into supported living have failed) and requires a lot of hands-on care from my mum and a lot of care planning and management from my dad. I know that at some point, this considerable responsibility will fall to my brother and I - except that, while he continues to live in Australia, this means just me. I love my sister to bits, but I am a single mum and I see how much her care dominates my parents' existence, and I feel pretty bloody bleak to be honest, about taking on this responsibility alone in due course. I don't really know how I'll do it without feeling like I don't have my own life anymore.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable or selfish, but I can't help thinking that now - feeling strong and not currently tied to Australia through marriage/kids - is an opportune time for my brother to start a new life over here. Would it be wrong of me to put this to him? I don't want to guilt-trip him into coming back here miserably, but I also feel that we can't always have everything we want - living where we want, doing what we want - if this ignores unwanted but undeniable family responsibilities and makes others' lives more difficult.

What do you think? Thanks.

I don't think its unreasonable.

I think you'll need to be careful how you phrase it but all the reasons you've given are totally thought out and genuine.

It's a big ask, especially since the only advantage to him would be the support form parents when and if he has any children. Can you think of any other reasons to put to him as to why moving back would be in his best interest?

not unreasoanble to think it. I think the same thing. Im disabled and care for dd who has severe CP plus my elderly mother and my other kids. My brother and sister, both child-free, have buggered off abroad. I feel resentful and fed up its always me and I am at the end of my tether. especially as bro and sis bitch I don't go around to mums often enough and she is forever praising how wondrous they are.

It will be hard, because he must know all these things already and has still choosen to stay away. You will relly be putting him on the spot if you confront him about it and I would imagine it will be easy for him to feel accused of abandonibg his family responsibility. Maybe the best way to raise the issue is to ask why he doesn't want to start again in the UK? It will at least open a dialogue.

What a beautifully worded post about a sensitive situation.

I don't thing you are being unreasonable at all.

If you can put this so kindly and eloquently to your brother he should be able to give it fair consideration without any ill feeling towards you for asking.

let us know what happens and good luck!

PS I like the sound of the "legendary grandparents"!

From his perspective, if presented with your proposal and reasoning, no matter how carefully worded, he either has to say "Sorry, I don't care enough to come home, I prefer it here" (not in those words of course) or he has to come home whether he wants to or not out of guilt and then he may end up resenting you/his parents etc.
I don;t think you are unreasonable to want him to come home, but unless you think he is unaware of the situation then I think you need to accept that he has already made his decision. Sorry.

Thank you all for your posts. I think I had a lurking gut feeling that wanting this is OK - it seems so reasonable and "fair" - but that asking wouldn't be. Your posts pretty much confirm this.

I'm quite close to my brother, and chatted to him today completely honestly about how I feel about this; not from the I want you to come back perspective, but the I'd love it if you did for x, y and z reasons. He listened respectfully. I said I respected that it is absolutely his decision and I'd support him whatever he decides. He said who knows what may happen in the fullness of time. I'm content enough with this. I feel I have been honest and open about my wishes, without being demanding.

My dad told me later today that the care burden on me would likely be much reduced due to changes Mum and Dad are trying to organise for my sister, so that's encouraging. I'd always want to keep at least a weather eye on her, though, and see her frequently, because I love her. I really, really feel for you, needmorecoffee. What a tough, and unjust, situation. How do you keep going?

Thanks again.

Leaves what a lovely family you have.

Hi Leaves, I think you handled the situation wonderfully using the "i'd love you to come back" rather than "I want you to come back". When I read the OP, as someone who has (now twice) moved somewhere and created a life for herself, I think it is an unreasonable thing to ask someone else to move their entire life for you. In my experience it only leads to frustration and bitterness. Telling someone that you would love to have them back is different. Some of my closest friends did this and I moved back to where we were from so it can definitely work. Good luck!