Not to buy xmas presents for BIL and SIL

[WobblyPig]

We don't get on with either of them. they are very arrogant and at our last two family get-togethers have not said a word to either me or my husband.
My BIl has in the past been very rude about presents I have bought for him in the past and they never seem to put any thought into presnets they get for us. For my son's 2nd Birthday they bought him the same game they bought for his first birhtday.

They are also mega-rich so anything we but them will only be a token.

I don't want to seem churlish but they are unpleasant people and it seems hypocritical to send them presents but in the past I have always tried to rise above it and get htem something. Should I continue to make the effort?

christmas is about family and about giving.dont lower yourself to there level.do as youd do for any other family member.if they want to be arrogant/rude etc so be it.you be the better person.

so yes imo yabu

Before the 'falling out' were things OK? Maybe your DH could contact his brother and suggest meeting up for a beer or something and asking him if everything is OK.

still think you are a nightmare and yabu

On the plus side as they aren't speaking to you for some blameless and mysterious reason perhaps they won't miss your well planned gift in their mega rich lifestyle

and happy to please bbpatient

We deicded to go with the oxfam option. Buda - there wasn't really a falling out. They were never really into taking the intiative to contact us or plan things but we assumed that this was because they were working full time and had three children and we ddin't have children. then we had DS 2 years ago and things seem to ahve changed. No bust-up or argument just no contact from them even when at functions we were both invited to . Took us a time to realise what was going on.

The final straw for my DH was as I mentioned previously the that they said nothing to us when we annunced our second pregnancy 4-6 weeks ago. From my point of view I could take or leave them but there has never been overt amniosity just a chill factor and no direct conversation for about 18 months now.

Hi Wobbly

Well if it were me (and I as your DH) I would want to know what was going on. So I would suggest a beer and a chat to see if I could get to the bottom of it all.

Good luck!

To be honest I think my DH is now just sick of making all the effort . It doesn't upset me but it upsets me to see how it affects him - IYKWIM. Because I have truelly no idea what may have triggered this and have known them for a relatively short-time I am more inclined just to put it down to the idea that they don't like us generally. Because there was no trigger-point/argument it seems harder to contact them to smooth it over because there is technically no ' it'.

I get more upset about the logistics of managing the awkwardness of family 'dos' ; birthdays and as you can see Christmas. DH is more upset that his brother has only seen his nephew 3 times in his life ; never spoken to him or played with him and may never be part of his life. DH parents have been invited to Christmas at BIL's but we have not despite the fact that they have hte only house big enough to accommodate us all. Again not a concern to me, I have my own family, but DH feels hurt and left-out.

Reading this thread as an outsider - it seems that the relationship has broken down - the presents being just a public position of this - if you and DH are worried about this perhaps look to revive or discuss - in the long term this is more important than christmas gifts (IMO) if when you evaluate it is not possible move on and be content.

Oh absolutely agree but since no end is in sight and Xmas is coming thought I'd better think about how to tackle the surface stuff.

I think the oxfam option is great - shows (to me at least) you have given real thought and consideration. From an inlaws perspective I do know where you are coming from - truth is you can't choose and suspect that as I suspect here it is hard for him to grapple with that. You make a comment about you have your own family - same here - but suspect that makes it harder for my DH when looking at his own. I wonder were they ever close and if so what has changed or in reality were they different from an early age if so adult life simply serves to confirm.

Has your DH ever spoken to his brother about all this? Hard to do I know but if it upsets him he should. At least then he will know what the score is.

I have 3 sisters all with partners and although everyone gets on on the surface, 2 BILs are not keen on each other. 2 of my sisters had a falling out over babysitting last year but moved on from it.

I am not sure of the dynamic before I came along.
BIl is older, more alpha-male than DH, very successful equity partner lawyer.

When I met the in-laws noticed BIl was quite abrupt person, didn't really converse but there were glimmers of a more relaxed side sometimes. I spoke to PIL who told me that he was always like this even as a child and not to take it personally which I didn't, except when he has been overtly rude.

DH is complete opposite very chatty , social not an ambitious driven type. They do have things in common but see each other so rarely as to make any headway difficult. Not sure if trying to build-bridges myself would be unwelcome and interfering. I know DH not keen - pride involved I think. It's only really the kids that keep any form of contact alive.

wobblypig

i want to apologise

I genuinely thought that you were trying to push "hot topic" buttons.
The mega rich part pf your original thread added to having no clear understanding of where the relationship broke down or your blameless part in it made me honestly opine that you were either a one dimensional nightmare or someone just being pokey.

I'm sorry for misreading the subject.
I'm sorry for calling you a nightmare

Perhaps it just is that their and your lives have gone in different directions and that they feel that you both have nothing in common.
It's something that I think you should speak about but perhaps do so with the viewpoint that it might make no difference.

R

Thanks Ronaldinhio.

No, tend not to be deliberately provocative although can come across that way.
The mega-rich thing is really by-the-by but I am staggered by how much they earn ( £500,000 PA) but they work very, very hard so good on them.

The thread has really clarified a lot of things for me not just the superficial present thing. It's not a good situation and I will think of something I can do to iron things out.

Thanks again.