to be worried about leaving DS1 (3.5yrs) alone at a birthday party if DH & I have never met the parents or child (from nursery) whose party it is?

[zipzap]

DS1 is only just 3 1/2 yrs old and this is only the second birthday party he has been invited to that is not family/close friends - it's someone that he is at nursery with.

Neither DH or I have ever met the parents of this child - or even the child.

The party is going to be in a church hall and speaking to the mum on the phone, she sounded very nice and friendly but just said to drop of DS at start of party and pick him up at the end, there will be about 20 kids including about 5 from nursery that he will know but no adults that he knows. There are going to be about 10-12 adults from birthday child's family there to help. Some organised entertainment, party games, party food... fairly standard stuff. I did mention staying, the mum did sort of say I could stay but said no one else is, not really space (especially as I have a 6 month baby to take with me and not sure I can hold him for 3 hours so will need a pushchair).

BUT - I am just worried that at 3.5, DS is just too young to leave alone in a place that he (or I) has never been to before, with no adults that he knows and nobody that knows him or will be watching out for him IYKWIM. It will be in a church hall so not like a soft play area that is used to having lots of little kids around and keeping them secure. It's not helped by the fact that DS is very independent [tearing hair out emoticon!] and if he gets bored or worried and wants to investigate further afield (I blame it all on winnie 'super sleuths' the pooh) he is quite capable of opening a door and wandering off to explore. If I tell DS not to do something he always tells me 'but look mummy I can do [whatever]' - he still seems to have no grasp of the fact that just because he can do something I might not want him to do it... and believe me, I have tried but that's a whole other thread or three

I don't want to be too PFB about this but nor do I want to be too cavalier about leaving my ds with (to all intents and purposes) complete strangers.

so, oh wise mumsnetters if you have made it this far - what do you think I should do? would you hang around at the party, not knowing anyone and not really wanted, hang around nearby (I don't even know the town, apparently there is a pub nearby but that is not going to be much good if I have ds2 with me which I will need to do; sit in the car for 3 hours waiting, drive home (20 mins ish away) and return at the end of party...

any thoughts on this conundrum would be gratefully received!

well zipzap, my dd is the same age as your ds, and tbh, i wouldn't leave her as I know shre wouldn't be ok without me unless she knew the place/people. Usually if she has an inviite, i phone to RSVP and ask if its ok if I stiick around IF she needs me ( she always does). I would leave her at a church hall or wherever if she was happy. I don't think people will be expecting you to leave your ds at that age. I would hang around, see how he goes, if he is happy after a while, I would leabve them my mobile no. and head off to the pub. And ask anyway, you may well be wanted!

My DS would hate for me to leave him unless it was someone whose parents he knew well (he's about the same age), so I always stay at parties. I went to one party and stayed and it was awful, knew nobody and ds was bored stiff, so made our excuses and left early. The next couple were fine though and you soon get to know people.

I'd stay.

I'd stay, but try and find someone else to watch the baby for you if possible.

I'd stay for sure. If your DS knew other people there better, it might be ok but otherwise he is just going to feel abandoned - horrid feeling. Or he might even go looking for you - horrid thought!

Even if it meant staying in the carpark with a good book/ portable DVD player, I would do that rather than leave him entirely.

Thanks for all the prompt replies! much appreciated.

Looks like I am not being too PFB to want to stay around at least to make sure he (and me!) are both happy! And probably a bit longer. I know they are providing lots of people to help but I figure that it can also be very easy if lots of people are helping to assume that somebody else is watching and so for one to slip the net... And I know it will be good for me to start to meet some of the other mums, maybe I will try to find a book or magazine to take with me so I can hide in a corner if nobody else stays to watch their ds.

Unfortunately I am still breastfeeding so have to take DS2 with me - not ideal I know but we are still a package deal at the moment. (well bad from their party point of view - am still v happy to be breastfeeding!)

crossposted with you thumbwitch.

portable dvd is good idea - might take laptop and see if there is some wifi access for a bit of MN-ing .

When I tried to ask DS about it and being left to see what he thought of it, his reaction was 'great' - something that is really unlike him to say, and unlike him personally too as he often cries when dropped off at nursery. Must add that he loves nursery and all the things they do and his friends there, he stops crying less than a minute after I'm gone - occasionally I have to stop and ask a question or get delayed on my way out and can see him through the window before I go - he usually then doesn't want to come home.

so, yes, I think you're right everybody, I definitely need to stay!

So you've never left your baby for over 3 hours in 6 months?! He still feeds that often? I have the same age gap with my boys and when ds1 had time alone with me out somewhere, he really enjoyed it.

My dcs would kick me out by that age, they were happy in other adults company and confident in themselves. Other parents would go so they expected me to!

I would be left feeling redundant, a little hurt but determined not to stiffle their independance.

If I were you I would stay if there was any hope at all that DS will be happy with it. IME there are precious few times that you can spend just observing your child "doing his thing". This stage will have come and gone so fast that you should grab every last second of it (yes it is a bit PFB, but that is not always a bad thing!)

(Not for a moment suggesting your child is not confident etc btw)

I wouldn't have left either of my ds' at that age at a party, they wouldn't have been comfortable. It is quite young to be leaving kids, you can almost guarantee that at least 1 child will want their mum.

I'm quite surprised at the mum for discouraging you from staying, some children like their mums to stay with them alot older than 3.5yrs. DS2 is 4 and a quarted and I know even now he wouldn't want to be left with people he didn't know very well.

I left DS at his first ever party at that age - it was different though because it was only about 8 boys at birthday boys house. We know the parents well.
In the situation you are describing I would stay.
For my daughter, at that age all the parents (bar one perhaps) stayed, by 4, most stayed and at 5, a few still stayed. We only got invitations for true drop off parties from about 5 or 6.

Wouldn't have left DS then either. I started leaving him at parties from about Yr 1.

I wouldn't leave him tbh. I got a bit of a wake up call when DS1 was 4 and in reception. I dropped him at a party where there were lots of other kids from school. I didn't know the mum too well but there were other adults around - obviously family - none of the other mums were staying, and he was happy to be left, so I went home. When I returned to collect him nobody knew where he was (they didn't really seem to even know who he was tbh ) I found him hysterical locked in the loo; he'd obviously been there a while. It was me and my shadow after that!

My dd is 3.10 and I left her at a church hall birthday party recently. She was happy to stay without me and tbh I skipped merrily away without a second thought .

I think it is a little too young. I would stay, at least for a bit and see how it is and how he gets on.

FWIW, I have never before come across parties, where children younger than 4 has been left.

Zipzap, she is a mum too so I am quite sure she would understand how you feel about leaving him by himself to the party...
I took DD (also 3.5 yrs old) to 2 birthday parties last week end. I am glad I stayed with her because similar as the party your DS is going to, it was the birthday of 2 of her little friends from nursery. She talks about them a lot and i guess they like her too because they invited her. But at both parties, the birthday girls had other friends and they actually didn't play with DD at all... i was glad to be with her so together we find other little friends from the nursery she did play with!! it was also a great way to meet other mums who did bring their breastfed babies.....

sunnydelight, your story gave me goose bump.. so terrible!

I would be very surprised if no other parents stayed. 3.5 is very young for drop-off (as the host parents I wouldn't want to be responsible for that many small children, many of whom might not be that confident about toilet etc etc). Stick to your guns. Hang around in the background - offer to give her a hand dishing up food/clearing up if your little one is asleep, and see how your little man enjoys himself.

I think over 4 or 5 is more normal for drop-off tbh.

I wouldn't have taken ds to that party at 3.5 and left him, and I probably wouldn't have wanted to stay if I knew nobody either. He wouldn't have been any the wiser at that age.

Lots more weekends to run around children to birthday parties.

I think at 3.5 other parents will stay. I am quite desperate for time off but haven't yet left ds3 (4 in January) at a party. TBH the one's left behind at the parties he goes to always need quite a bit of help (I've taken left kids to the toilet, wiped their bums, dished up food, mopped up drinks, helped with bumped heads etc etc). I'll probably start leaving ds3 when he goes into reception (that's the age I left ds2).

I think also it very much depends on the child. Some are quite happy to be left and if they are competent at toileting etc, you could leave your number and go, but others will need the security of Mum or Dad there (actually, is Dad taking an option? Saves you having to take ds2). The party hosts might also have organised things this way to avoid lots of siblings there - it does change the dynamics of a party tbh.

Same as Turneaphead. There are always parents stying at any party my Ds have ever been to. IMO it is still a bit young to be just droped, unless you are convinced you child is confident enough. Some parties are very noisy and quite overwhelming for little ones.

DD is 9 now, but when she was that age, we would drop her off at a party and just hang about having a quick chat with other parents (who were also hanging about) and simultaneously keeping an eye on dd for anything up to 15mins. She was invariably fine and far too busy having fun to notice when we left, and never wanted to go home at the end.

I think it's pretty normal to be a bit worried in your circumstances, and I can't imagine that the parents will object if you just hang about being friendly for a little while.

Thanks for all the replies, it's good to see how thoughts evolve!

sunnydelight - your story is exactly what I worry about. hearing that it has happened to somebody (rather than just being an imaginary worry IYSWIM) has definitely made me more worried about that sort of thing happening! I was originally like milkysAG and thought yippee, means I can pop into the local NCT sale without a 3yr old to spot what santa is bringing him keep entertained while I try to battle through the crowds. But the more I thought about it, and talking to DH, SD's worry came through.

WOuld be good to send DH but he has had a really bad couple of weeks at work and hasn't been very well, he has been really looking forward to watching the rugby international in peace on saturday afternoon so don't really have the heart to get him to do it. Plus, I need to find a big brave hat and get out there and meet some other mums of kids at the nursery!

I guess if was a small party or with people we knew or with lots of people that DS knew or at a place we knew or that DS was used to parties, then it wouldn't be so much of an issue. But then I wouldn't be needing MN advice!

shubiedoo - yes, I have left ds2 for more than 3 hours, it's just that he is useless at drinking from a bottle (am working on it as it would be nice to be able to leave him without worrying about dehydration! but that's another thread again...) and it's just that we'll be out for over 4 hours if we stay all the party, ds2 is going to be needing his feed in the middle of the time I will be out. When I have left him before I am able to sort out the timings so I can not worry about him being thirsty or hungry whereas I don't have any control over the time (and whether or not he will have a big feed just before I go!).

Think I am just going to hang around for a while and then maybe sit in the car or stay very local and get back in very good time and see what happens. And give the nct sale a miss - typical, the 2 hours in 6 months that I stick on the calendar to go and do something at a weekend, it gets knocked off by the only other thing on the calendar for about 6 weeks. hey ho.

thanks again for all the advice!