To tell DS that this is the last time he has anyone "back for tea"

[MrsSnape]

God this stresses me out so much and I don't know why. DS1 started asking to have friends "back for tea" (even the phrase pisses me off!) in year 2. I was VERY reluctant as:

a) I'm naturally unsociable
b) I'm not great with other people's kids
c) I'm very, very private and
d) my house is always a tip.

But to be fair, I let him have a friend back once and it was a nightmare from start to finish, they argued, they fought, they got on my nerves but stupidly, I allowed him to have someone else over for tea a few weeks later ... that was even worse, they were hyper, drew all over the bedroom door, nagged me, drove me nuts. So I stopped it completely.

Anyway a few months ago he asked for another boy to "come back for tea " and I allowed it as I know the lad and his father well and knew he would behave but I was SO SO SO stressed out! I felt like I couldn't relax until he'd gone home. I spend the entire day cleaning the house, worrying about what he might think of us, stressing over it like crazy. but he was as good as gold so I don't know why I got myself so wound up I allowed him back again a 2nd time and although he was brilliantly behaved, I spent an hour hiding in DS's bedroom whilst they took over the living room downstairs

I told him not to ask anyone else "back for tea" as it stressed me out too much but low and behold, last week....RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS MUM...."Can Bob come back for tea next friday?" FFS

This is tomorow, I had to agree really as DS has been to his house twice now but I'm so stressed out I've actually given myself headache. I'm thinking of telling DS that this WILL be the very last time anyone "comes over for tea". I've spent the full day cleaning, feeling even more worried as I know this lad has a lovely home (or his mum does at least).

AIBU? ok...I know IABU but how unreasonable and does anyone understand?

This sounds like a form of social anxiety MrsSnape. It's not that you are being unreasonable but you are building this up to be something far, far bigger than it is. Unless you want your children to feel the same anxiety you do about this kind of normal social interation, you do need to try and overcome it. Sorry if that sounds horrible, I don't mean it to but you sound like you need some help with this for all your sakes.

If he has been good as gold the last couple of times he'shad a friend over you cant really say no I think.

Just try not to stress about the house (small boys will NOT notice if you've hoovered or not!!) and try and have something planned to keep you occupied (phone calls, baking, reading, TV programme, Mumsnet!)

The more you do it, the easier it will get

I am very similar with the cleaning; until Irealised that ds did not notice ANYTHING about his friends' houses... beyond what toys they had. Sometimes he was hard pressed to tell me what he had for tea whilst at a friend's house!

I decided that if ds was like that, most of his pals would be very similar.

I do think it is important that our children are able to have friends come round, it fosters sharing skills and consideration for others (ds is in charge of getting drinks and snacks for his mates when they come round etc etc)

This is such an important part of childhood; try not let it stress you out too much,

I sort of understand - I often offer to drop the visiting child home again so I don't have to invite the mother in. But mine LOVE having their friends home, and I think it's important, so i think you have to grit your teeth, buy some gin and go for it!

You know what, my DD isn't even school age yet, but I really sympathise with you. I'm quite a shy person (though those who've met me won't agree!) and I'd love to be more hospitable but lack confidence at the mo.

Sounds like you need a strategy to stop getting so wound up? And try not to worry about the tidiness any more than you would ordinarily, most children don't notice any mess

I think I do suffer social anxiety, I've never been good with people and stress out over the stupidest things.

Like I know my car battery is dying, I have a charger but don't know how to use it and whenever I think about it, I feel quite depressed! then I get a grip and think "ffs! just go and ask the bloke next door in the morning...simple" but in my head it's a HUGE deal.

I tend to say really stupid stuff to people too through nerves then feel all idiotic and embarrassed when I realise how moronic it must have sounded

I was never allowed friends back fro tea and TBH I am still a bit pissed off with my mum for it. It is only for a couple of hours.

The kids are 9 (almost 10). I try to think of things to keep me busy whilst they're here so I'm not thinking about it. One time they were all upstairs so I sat down to watch "kill bill" and the friend kept coming downstairs meaning I had to keep turning it off suppose I could watch something more child friendly, then if they come downstairs it doesn't matter...

YABU but obviously not intentionally. You need to work on your social anxiety so you're not stopping your son doing normal children type things. Maybe there's a book out there that could help?

MrsSnape, I think it would help to take the pressure off yourself a bit.
Could you let DS invite someone round after school, and them take them swimming, or bowling, and get them some tea whilst you're out?
That way the children are entertained, and you won't have to worry about the house being perfect.

I bet you don't say stupid things - well not any more than the rest of us anyway! But you think too much about it and over analyse everything you say. I know what it is like because I can be a bit like that myself, but you can talk yourself out of it. Every time you have a thought like "I am saying really stupid things" or "X probably hates me", counteract with a more rational one like "No actually I am as likeable as the next person".