to feel awkward about having different financial circumstances from a friend?

[fatchip]

DH and my closest friend's DH both work very hard and do really long hours but in completely different jobs, which means their salaries are also very different. The discrepancy probably isn't fair, but DH studied for years to get professional qualifications which have given him access to a higher paid job. We were totally skint for many years before he qualified and earned a decent wage but my friend didn't know us back then!

I know she and her dh are really struggling to make ends meet at the moment, and am starting to feel really awkward about our different circumstances. I never ever flash new things I have, or talk about money, but she comes to our house regularly, sees my car etc so she's aware to a certain extent.

My friend and I are planning a Xmas shopping day (her instigation) at the weekend and I'd hoped to get a few bits (given that we don't live anywhere near decent shops and it's one of the few chances I get to buy anything other than Next or M&S) but she's told me that she is worrying about not being able to get anything on the day, and seeing me being able to buy lots of things.

What do I do? I really wasn't planning on going mad but also don't want to feel guilty if I buy a couple of tops. We're really good friends and I don't want this to get in the way of our friendship at all. It's just so awkward.

Welcome to mn. Why did she instigate it if she can't buy anything?

she suggested it though ...

It does'nt sound like a fun day out for either of you.

Don't worry, given the state of the economy you'll probably be as skint as her soon...

(sorry, having a pessimistic day, just been on the phone to bf who's v upset as she works for BT...)

cancel.
claim a cold/lurgy/your leg's fallen off.
go on your own.

Problem solved.

She did suggest it.
Many of my frineds have more disposable income (or debt) than I do but I am quite happy to go shopping with them - spending by proxy.

why don't you call her and say that if she's worried about money why don't you do something else instead?
you can go shopping by yourself another time, or with another friend.
you'll only end up feeling guilty otherwise.

if she insists she wants to go, then go, and buy whatever you want!

Thanks! I must confess I have namechanged, I don't mind talking endlessly about my dh and dc's under my normal name but would hate for this to somehow get back to anyone involved.

And it was partly her aunty's idea, she booked the tickets but then couldn't go herself and I was asked instead. We did something similar last year and had a great time.

I suppose it might be a bit dull for her to watch you buy things if she can't afford to.
I would cancel the shopping trip as you both feel so awkward and do something else-art gallery or such like.

Sorry, suspicious mind I'm afraid . Can you afford to treat her to lunch and just window shop, try stuff on and perhaps then order online afterwards?

I was once on a girls weekend with a good friend, she needed to buy a "black top" for that night out. As we were in "my city" I thought I'd offer a few pointers "Top Shop is over there, and Miss Selfridge and Next".

"Great" she said, "I was thinking more Armani or Gucci?"

OOh, it was lovely seeing how the other half lived for a while. She got a lovely top as well.

My point? She is your friend and she instigated this outing, yes we all want more cash, but just make it a fun day. Perhaps treat her to lunch (say you had an early bonus or whatever).

I have been in this situation and you have to accept that there is nothing you can do to change the fact that you have money and she doesn't. You've realised that you have to be sensitive and not rub her face in it, but she is not stupid and must know that some of her friends have spare cash while she doesn't. You may be worrying too much; just tell her that you love her company and it helps to have her there to give advice on purchases. She doesn't have to buy anything (she may feel obliged to keep up). And treat her to a nice lunch or coffee to show your appreciation.

DO NOT GO

There are lots of things you can do with people who are in a different financial place, but shopping is not one of them.

Eating out can be tricky (for example one of you is too precious can't eat at a restaurant without a Michelin star and the other is broke).

LOl at all the x-post suggestions.

I think you may be buying lunch!

I don't think cancelling is an option as tickets have been booked and paid for. I think I'll have to make a mental note of anything I really like and then order it online when I get home. I also thought about getting lunch for us both, and her getting morning coffee maybe.

Oops another x post. Great minds ComeOVeneer!! I think we have the answer!

I've also suggested we go and try on things like Monsoon party dresses which neither of us really intend buying, then we can just have a giggle.

why not go to the cinema and for a glass of wine and quick peruse around the shops.

you don't need to buy anything but if you see something you fancy just order it online the next day.

how come you have to have tickets??
why not call her and say, I've been thinking about what you said (re: worrying about not being able to buy anything) and if you like then we can cancel and do something else?

then see what she says. leave the ball in her court.

I have been in the same situation on both sides. I have enjoyed shopping with a friend who has more money than I'll ever have, trying stuff on, helping her choose, wishing I had that sort of money!
but my very best friend is a poor student and we do go christmas shopping together, and I do buy whatever I want to buy without feeling guilty. (and yes, I do treat her to lunch, and yes she does always want to pay and no, i never let her!)

I don't think that you should feel guilty about having more money than her. she can still enjoy herself

i dont think you should buy her lucnh and coffee, it might make her feel liek you are paying for everything and make her feel worse.

Ditto the offer to pay for a nice lunch. And play the rest by ear. Sounds like she's looking forward to spending the time with you and maybe won't mind a bit of shopping, but maybe not make that the main focus of the day. I know we've got some friends who earn mega bucks and now live in the US and we have spent loads (on the credit card) staying in places we couldn't afford.

we need tickets because it's an organised Xmas shopping trip to a city miles away, we live right out in the sticks you see! And I really miss the shops so looking and not buying is going to be a challenge!!

You could get one of those freebie make overs at a big department store?

Seriously, I have been both sides of this (would currently be back in your friends position) and think that as long as you don't go mad, you shouldn't feel bad about spending your money on what you want. I'd feel worse knowing my friend was holding back tbh.

I would offer to pay for lunch (and do so in advance of the trip to avoid awkwardness on the day), and use the opportunity to window shop then order the things you like online once you get home.

It may not be as awkward as you think, I love spending other peoples money for/on them
These's no guilt and I have a great time.