Or am I just being selfish and horrible?

[saltire]

Next week, Thursday we are driving 8 hours to Scotland for teh 25th wedding anniversary SIL, DH and I are pautting on for FIl and ste MIL.
On the way up we will stop for about 1/2 hour at my mums, she is an hour drive from ILs. We will leave the dog there, and go on to ILs. ON Sunday we are going back, stopping off at my mums again, for max 2 - 2 1/2 hours. During this time I hope to see my new nephew, who is now 4 moths old.
However, my old (as in 82) aunt has got 2 presents for my DSes from her,a dn 2 from my other aunt. They are at her house. She knows we are going up, and that we will be popping into see mum. Mum told her that it would only be for a couple of hours. She said that she ahd presents for us. Mum said that step dad would go round and get them, as we probably wouldn't have time to go round.
She said "if she wants the presents then they have to come and get them, I want to see them as well you know, I have a right.
The thing is you can't just pop in for 5 mins and say hello, and go again. Oh no she expects you to come in and have tea and cake and stay for at elast an hour. I'm not prepared to do this, I won't see my mum again until Easter,or my neice and mephew, and I haven't yet seen him, and want to spend the little time we have there seeing them. But I know she won't let the presents go to anyone else, and will be ringing my mum from 8am on Sunday wanting to know when we are going round and should she go to church etc etc.

Well my mum called her, and said did she want to pop round for 20 minutes when we were there. Mum said that my step dad or brother would get her, becasue my brother would be there as well, as DH, the DCs and I want to see our new nephew.

My aunt said that it's obvious that my brother and nephew (who incidentally I ahven't seen yet) are far more important to me than she is, and that no way is she coming down, becasue she wants to see us in her house, for tea and cakes or not at all, and if we don't go then we don't get the Dses presents.

It's not as if we don't see her, every time we go up to my mums, then we visit. We arrived at my mums in teh summer on teh Friday, we vivisted her on teh Friday night (after she called) the Sunday for 3 hours, the Monday night, the Tuesday, the Thursday, saw her all day teh Friday and the Sunday after as well. She gets loads of visits from us when we go

She sounds like a right poisonous old thing TBH. Don't visit her, let her act the martyr if she likes - I am sure your DC can do without the presents if they have to be held at ransom like this. If she had any consideration for any of you then she would pop over for 20 minutes as it is just this once. Who even wants people to come to their house who have to be emotionally blackmailed and bribed with presents?

I would send her a very polite note saying that you are sorry you do not have time to visit all the family and then lament the fact that you live so far away and sign off saying you hope you will see her on your next visit.

I wouldn't give way. She is behaving like a spoilt brat.

I would call / write - whichever easier - and politely tell her that as you are only at your mum's for a short time you do not have time to come and see her. That you will see her next time unless she is happy to come over for 20 mins as has been suggested.

If she pulls the 'db and dn are more important' crap I would say 'well actually yes they are because I haven't seen dn yet and db is my brother'

I have no time at all for crap like this - lonely old lady my arse - manipulative witch more like

Oh and sod the presents quite frankly. Sure your ds's will have so many they won't even notice. She can't be allowed to emotionally blackmail you like this and if she thinks she can get away with it it won't stop here will it?

I would not want to go purely because I wouldn't want her to think I only went for the presents. What does she think of you if she thinks you would be swayed by that kind of blackmail in any case?

Having said this my DH who is a much nicer person than I am would say something like, 'She REALLY wants to see you...' and I would give in. Was a total bitch intransigent before I met him though.

If you can't do it all, just do the bits that are most important to you ie on this occasion, seeing your new DN.

Remember that you are not refusing to see her, she COULD see you if only she would compromise and be collected and come to your mum's house.

I think those that say she's a lonely old lady and you should go round etc etc are forgetting that if she was so desperate to see you she would happily fit in with a busy family and be picked up. She would be happy to be included and what's more, she could see the new nephew TOO!!

She's cutting off her nose to spite her face. She wants to feel like the most important person in the family and is making it a contest between her and your DN. It's NOT about being lonely because if so she would be so pleased to see all the family in one go. No, it's because SHE wants to do tea and cakes and be the grand old lady of the family graciously receiving you and bestowing gifts, which are no better than a bribe.

Tell her that you would love to see her but it will have to be at your Mum's THIS TIME. It's her choice if she doesn't want to. Don't feel bad. She is 82 yo and has had enough experience of life by now to know what she's doing.

very well put littleladyloulou!

Thanks alicet. I have manipulative ladies in my family too and sometimes you have to stand back a bit and think "hang on - this is only a problem because she won't compromise, not because I'm being awful".

Manipulative people are good at distracting others from this fact because they don't actually WANT to compromise, they want the satisfaction of getting everything on their own terms, reassuring themselves that they are super important and have everyone in the palm of their hand. It almost becomes a game or a point of honour and it's not fair.

littleladyloulou.
Some good points there. I hink you are right, she does want to feel like the most important person in teh family. if you look back to teh threads about her visiting my dad when he wa sin hospital, I now feel, looking back as an adult, that she did that becasue she wanted to feel important in my dads life, she didn't care that my mum and my DBs and I were the msot important things to him, not her, it was her own feelings she put first.
When he died, I got people coming up to me (I was 16) and saying "oh your poor aunt X, she's distraught, she's lost her borther, poor her,etc etc" and if she was there she would stand there and bow her head, and say how distressed she was.
Never once did she, or anyone apart form my mum and grandad ask how I wa,s or my brothers or how we were feleing ahving los tour dad. Because to her it didn't matter.

Sorry gone off on one there, was jsut trying to shed some light on the situation how now I'm 38 and can see these things clearly, and how her mind works

I agree she is bullying yet again

The time you have there should be spent with the people who you want to see Which is your mum and the rest of your family
why should your mum share the time with her SIL???

I would`nt go round

YANBU. Put yours and your family's needs first. She has the opportunity to see you but won't compromise, so it's her loss. You have a long journey to contend with and time is limited, make the most of it at your Mums and don't worry.