Dh has arranged a get-together with his side of the family...

[roisin]

I don't think I've done one of these before!

We don't see very much of them as we live some distance away, and generally only see 'everyone' when there is a party/event like a wedding or a funeral or a big anniversary.

So dh has taken it on himself to 'invite' everyone to get together for a Christmas meal at a local (to them) restaurant a few weeks before Christmas, which is great, and I'm looking forward to it.

The only thing is, when I asked him if he'd made it clear that we weren't expecting to be paying for everyone, he just shrugged and said "no, not really. We'll just see what happens." It's only 16 people, which is more than I fancy forking out for, but is not so many that it's inconceivable for people to interpret it that way.

I would much rather it was clear in advance so as to avoid any possible misunderstandings (however unlikely) or awkwardness. AIBU?

Actually I think YABU - is it a problem for your dh to treat his family to a meal. If 4 of the people are you, dh and dcs then that leaves 12 people.

So he's treats his family to dinner once every 5 years or so, is that so terrible? And as he says, maybe he'll let them pay if they offer or just pay the bill himself if they don't. He doesn't seem to mind. It's nice to make the occasional generous gesture don't you think?

Well you're not being unreasonable not wanting to pay for 16 people.
However, I doubt they would assume you were paying for them all, unless it has been the done thing in the past?
If I was going I certainly wouldn't be expecting you to pay.

Dh did this when he invited people for a family meal to celebrate ds's christening. We had to have it away from the flat as several relatives couldn't manage the stairs.

He maintained that people would be expecting to pay - I said that as we'd asked them it wasn't unreasonable for them to assume that the meal was on us.

In the end I decided it was too humiliating to go round each person and check so we made sure we had space on the credit card. On the day my dad paid for drinks but people did think we were paying so we footed the rest of the bill.

I think the potential confusion is that at "big family get-togethers" for a reason - i.e. a big birthday or anniversary - then 'guests' of course haven't paid.

I suppose it wouldn't be unreasonable for us to foot the bill, especially as we didn't have a "do" for dh's 40th next year. It's just it will have to come out of "fun money" - i.e. holidays and weekends away next year, which grates a bit with me.

oooh, that would make me cross roisin, & i would definitely want to clarify beforehand. and not pay for everyone. make dh ring them all up.

I would not want to pay for them either - agree with hoxton - get DH to ring them up beforehand so he can say something like "hope you are still ok to meet up on xx date because I know it gets expensive for people near christmas to go out for meals etc"

I don't think people will assume you'll be paying but I like Bellavita's suggestion of how to make it clear to people.

Can I hijack thread slighly?

Is this the same for a Christening? WE'll probably go out for a meal after dds Christening as some people can't make the stairs in our house, would we be expected to pay for it? Even though our family knows we're skint?

IMO no, it isn't the same.

When we invited people to the christenings of our DS's we footed the bill and would not have expected others to pay.

Yes NB I think you would. After all if you were having the "do" at your house, you'd be buying all the food etc wouldn't you.

I think its open to genuine misunderstanding, and would stress that point to your dh. If he is willing to take the risk of having a substantial bill to pay or having to have potentially awkward conversations with everyone on the day, then I assume he will be cutting down on his SOLO leisure pursuits / social life in order to save up.

How about checking with the restaurant whether they have a fixed price 'Christmas Menu' - and then give people the option of having this - which they should really prebook - and also give them an idea of costs of starters/main meals/puddings as a comparison to help them choose the option they can afford ?