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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School run mums

55 replies

rbrand · 12/11/2008 17:05

who merge into cliquey groups at school are clinging onto each other because they are secretly insecure? Am I unreasonable to think, Why don't they get a life?

OP posts:

TheNewsMonger · 12/11/2008 17:54

I'm one of those mums. I'm chatting to people, passing the time of day. SEND ME TO THE GALLOWS! (with no tea).

posieflump · 12/11/2008 17:54

ooh come on what is the full story?!
I am polite to all the mum's, nod and say hi, but haven't got any close friends as yet.
I don't mind so far as like you I have friends outside school (at work etc)
As long as I have somoene to chat to at the unending stream of parties and someone to stad with at school events I don't mind if I don't see them outside of school

ChillyTilly · 12/11/2008 17:56

Well if the only time you have to put up with them is while you are standing at the gate, it's not really that bad, is it?

There are always random groups that are poisonous however they meet, why should school mums be different? You'll get the good ones, and the bad ones.

TheNewsMonger · 12/11/2008 17:59

Oh, just re-read. I'd never say anything horrible about anybody, even if I thought it, because I'd hate people to think I were a bitch, even if I know my secret thoughts are sometimes quite uncharitable.

Actually, I'm a bit of a social broker . I 'fixed up' two mums who have only ok English but both have excellent Russian as a second language. Their children were in different years.

MaureenMLove · 12/11/2008 18:03

Of course, if you do decide to branch out to the other parents and leave the group, they'll slag you off too!

How about walking into the playground at the very last moment before the children come out and be in a hurry to leave in the mornings. You are the grown up, afterall, if you don't like the way they speak either tell them or walk away. If your lo has plenty of friends outside of school, it shouldn't matter if you're friends anyway.

Thomcat · 12/11/2008 21:53

rbrand - you don't want to stand round with a group of women you don't really like and that are arguing and slagging each other / others off. Well then don't. Simple. Not to put to finer point on it - get a backbone woman. Walk away. If you can't be bothered to chat to the other mums that aren't bitching cos you have such a great social life outside the school, then just keep yourself to yourself. Be friendly, be neutrel, collect your child from school, accept invites on her behalf and get on with your life. You don't have to stand with these women you don't like, no-ones making you.

I'm not sure I really get you point tbh.

lovleygirls · 12/11/2008 22:48

YANBU. I think that anybody who does this is insecure.

lovleygirls · 12/11/2008 22:52

There is a difference between talking to/standing with the SAME people ALL the time than mixing with lots of people.

redskyatnight · 13/11/2008 10:28

There is a clique of mums at DS's school. They stand in a tight group making it clear that no one else is welcome. A couple of the mums have spoken to me when I've met them away from school, but if I try to talk to them in the school playground I get blanked.

I talk to plenty of other mums in the school playground. They all talk back.

I now avoid the clique.
I don't know if they are insecure but they are certainly unfriendly.

BoffinMum · 13/11/2008 11:58

Will I get flamed if I say that mums who do at least a bit of paid or voluntary work outside the home while the kids are at school have a better sense of self-esteem and are less cliquey?

Be gentle with me, ladies ... I too have done stints as a SAHM, before you start typing in capitals!

lovleygirls · 13/11/2008 16:07

BoffinMum, prehaps that is TRUE of some mums but i am a SAHM and have no desire to be part of a clique.

Freckle · 13/11/2008 16:22

I've been going to the primary school now for over 10 years. During that time I have met many other mums and some have become firm, supportive and very lively friends. Should I ignore them and talk to other mums? I don't think I'm insecure or that I need to get a life. Talking to my friends in the playground is part of my life and a part that I normally enjoy a lot. I've not known any of them to bitch about other mothers, although there are often comments (not always complimentary ) about the school, teachers and head.

When DS3 leaves at the end of this year, I'm sure it will be part of my life that I miss - although it may then give me an excuse to arrange drinkies with friends so that we can catch up .

shante · 13/11/2008 16:35

I am SAHM, but seem to gel better with working mums, rather than SAHM. Probably baecause I'm itching to get back to work myself.

LadyBuntingofCupcake · 13/11/2008 16:36

Agree with what lovelygirls said... 'There is a difference between talking to/standing with the SAME people ALL the time than mixing with lots of people.' That kind of behavior is 'cliquey' not to mention a bit sad and insular.

And I think you should follow MaureenMLove's advice. A huge amount of gossip can be avoided by arriving late every day!

Dior · 13/11/2008 16:38

Message withdrawn

BoffinMum · 13/11/2008 18:21

lovleygirls, I don't think there's anything wrong with general chatting at the school gate, I do enough of it, it's the silly bitchy stuff I think we all meant. I am sure you must be lovely with a nickname like that, anyway.

lovleygirls · 13/11/2008 20:54

Boffin

I am lovley.

BoffinMum · 13/11/2008 21:27

sunnyeve · 13/11/2008 21:39

I think I understand where you're coming from. I have one really good friend at school and so we do normally gravitate towards each other but only because a lot of the other mums have older children so seem to be quite established friends!

This does make me feel a bit of an outsider as they seem to be in a bit of a clique but probably not conciously and they have no idea I care.

I am a bit sensitive I think, I want to be a part of it all as it makes me feel better about myself but that's my problem not theirs. I have plenty of outside school friends and often wonder why it bothers me but sometimes it does!! hmmmm (thoughtful face - which there isn't a pic of!)

lovleygirls · 14/11/2008 09:37

Thanks Boff.

lovleygirls · 14/11/2008 09:38

Sunny

Which year is your child in? It took me until year 2 to get used to the playground politics.Now I don't give a stuff.LOL.

needmorecoffee · 14/11/2008 14:14

start your own clique. Mine is the 'mum who has a child in a wheelchair who no-one talks to clique'

Ripeberry · 14/11/2008 14:34

When my DD1 started school i used to make sure i was the first one in the carpark and used to position myself where people would congregate anyway.
They had to talk to me then!
Now after 3yrs i do tend to merge into larger groups and you still always get the ones that are invited into the "circles" but they like to stay out of it.
If the OP is feeling left out, why not just go into one of the groups. It is easier sometimes if you have a toddler or a baby as well as people will naturaly come towards you anyway.
Give it a try next week, you might find that they will be glad you joined them instead of hanging on the sidelines.

Loriycs · 25/06/2010 23:06

rbrand i do share your point, and why are the rest of you giving her a hard time? maybe she's hit a raw nerve with you!!
Its true there are cliquey little insecure groups in school playgrounds, and yes i would agree that they are mostly insecure people. I conclude that from earwigging conversations, how they suck up to each other and then slag each other off when out of ear shot. Its just like they are back in the playgrounds themselves!! These mums tend to be in their thirties and are also highly competitive with each other! of course not everyone is like this but there is always a 'clique' in every school yard..makes interesting entertainment for the rest of us at times!

bibbitybobbityhat · 25/06/2010 23:10

Loriycs - you have revived a thread that is almost two years old. This is a well worn subject on Mumsnet; I think most of us have moved on.

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