AIBU to not want to go to this playgroup any more?

[rebelmum72]

Normally, if we didn't enjoy a playgroup or any other activity, ds and I would just stop going.
This, however, is slightly more complicated as it was started, and is sort of run by, a friend of mine, and when she was talking about setting it up I was v. enthusiastic about it and promised we would also go.

It's now been running for a couple of months, and every Tuesday morning I find myself having to force myself and ds to go to it because:

• the ages are too mixed, unlike the other groups that we go to, so there are 3 toddlers the same age as ds and all the others are babies. The group is now full, so there is no chance of any more older toddlers joining

• ds is not at all interested in playing with the other 2 toddlers his age (explaination why below), he just wants to choose his toys and play with them by himself or with me, which, tbh, I'd rather do at home - we have nicer toys!

• our main problem with the group is that my friend sees it as her time to not have to look after her ds, and as he is quite a confident and outgoing child (ahem), he likes to "play with" my ds and the other toddler by snatching anything they are playing with, pushing them around, not letting them play with certain toys etc

My ds ends up getting upset and annoyed and sticking to me even more, and I end up having to mediate all the time, and even "tell off" my friend's ds when he gets too rough eg hitting. I know he's just doing normal toddler stuff, I just don't think it should always be up to me to deal with it.

So, do you think IABU to want to leave, even though I told my friend I'd go? And how can I tell her?!

Oh, it's not the behaviour of her ds as such - you get that everywhere, and I'm fully expecting ds to do his own share of it at some point , but because there's only the three of them at that age, it's always either my ds or the other kid who gets it, and it just stops my ds from enjoying himself. It's quite a small room, too, so he can't do his usual tactic of just walking away - friend's ds just follows him until my ds comes to me for "help", at which point I have to intervene.

It sounds a bit silly written down, tbh, but we just don't enjoy it and don't want to go any more.

But my friend is now trying to organise activities for the toddlers to do after Christmas, and I don't know how to tell her we probably won't be there then...

I would just be honest and tell her that its not working for you to go as there aren't enough other children the same age as your ds and he has better fun elsewhere.

If the group is full they will be able to give a place to someone else so the group will still be busy I would have thought

ANd if the issue is that she wants to see you and your ds why not arrange to meet her separately another time in the week at the park or one of your houses or in a situation where you will not have to parent her ds like this?

I run a toddler group an am convinced that if you or your child do not enjoy it much you should not go.
The way I see it you have several choices.

-Carry on going to please your friend and not enjoy it.

-Stop going and find somewhere more suitable for DS.

-Talk to your friend and explain to her why you are in two minds about her group and maybe she will find a way to be more "behind her DS" so you do not have to be the one who mediates all the time.

I would go for the third one to start with and if still no improvement move to second possibility. I am not sure the first one is actually an option at all.

As she is a friend of yours, surely the matter can be discussed/sorted?

If the group is now full, you have fulfilled your obligations and can leave knowing that the place won't look empty and under-attended.

The thing is, if we leave, there will only be two toddlers left, and I know she was actually hoping that the babies might start a seperate group and we could then entice more toddlers along to our group...so I would feel doubly guilty by leaving.

And how do I tell her that she should be the one keeping an eye on her ds, not me, without offending her? I would so much rather avoid that discussion by finding some lovely plausible reason to leave lol

We're not close friends, but more than just mums-at-toddler-group friends, iyswim.

I think the fact that there are only 2 toddlers is your plausible reason to leave without telling her about her ds. Esp if this is only an issue at the toddler group and not at other times.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to want to go to a toddler group where there are more children your ds's age and don't think you should feel beholden to continue going when you and more importantly your ds don't enjoy it

I have been disappointed when mums I like leave toddler groups but would never be hacked off with them - you have to be allowed to do what is best for you andyour son!

Could you pretend that you have signed up for a swimming class which clashes with that group or something else along those lines?

But why pretend lulubai? Why not just tell her what is obvious to her - that there are not enough toddlers to play with her ds? If the op makes something up then the mum is still going to be just as likely to get upset at her for not going anymore and even more so if she finds out its not true?!

was just thinking a whit lie may be easier. The other mum doesn't seem to see a problem with the toddler shortage or her own son's 'exuberance' so might be upsetby the real reason

Couldn't you just not go and then if she asked you about it, say something came up at home and you'd rather not talk about it. And then the same the next week and the next until..... she gets the message!

I agree with alicet , your DS not enjoying it is a good enough reason to leave, you do not need to lie. It is really not your problem if other mums are not bothered by her Dc's ehuberance, it bothers you and that is what matters at the moment. You are not asking for everybody to leave, just for you to have the right to!

Couldn't you tell a "white lie" + say Tuesdays aren't convenient now, ie, work reasons/only time you can see your family etc? Unless of course she suggests changing the group to another day, in which case my suggestion wouldn't work!

Maybe it's just best to be honest + say it isn't working for you + your ds.

Sorry not read all the posts however if its full there may be someone else who really wants to go but can't cause your there? Leave and do something else instead.

don't go for the option 3 (asking for more support) unless you secretly want to stay (which you clearly don't). If you do that, then your friend would have a right to be agrieved.