Am I being unreasonable to conclude that women have to make more sacrifices than men to make a marriage (with kids) work?

[cappy1]

After a tubulent 19 months of marriage since having my ds I have come to the conclusion that if I want to make my marriage work I am going to have to 'give in' and start to put my ds first, husband second and piddly little me third!!

Trying to make things equitable is causing me to become a total nagging misery of a wife which makes my husband withdrawl which then sets up a cycle of nagging fighting complaining and surprise surprise more withdrawl...

yeah I guess I do need to get out but I find it hard to leave them to it - my ideas of quality family time was us three together but I think maybe it is good to leave for a bit and let him get on with childcare and being alone with toddler tanturms, fun and boundless energy!

I suppose I am making a rod for my own back unless I can let him do some of the childcare - I just feel like as we have so little time when he is not working if I choose to use that time for myself then I will never see him. This is what I mean about me having to make the sacrifices... I would have to sacrifice my time alone for us to spend time together as a family but he can go out after work/do his hobbies/ and to him it doesn't feel like he is missing out on anything - why doesn't he feel that he isn't missing out - he should feel that he is missing ds developing - makes me feel resentful ...

yet another rant, sorry ladies and it is getting late

I think it depends on the man and the woman in question. Some men may well get away with doing nothing because their partners give up expecting anything of them.

However, my dh, my father, my FIL, my male friends in relationships - all of them are hard-working inside the house and out. My dh in particular has a different tolerance level to mess than I do, but we have an agreement where he does certain chores, I do certain chores, and we share childcare. In fact, I work away from home quite frequently, and my dh copes really well. There is no reason for men not to be good at housework and childcare - they're not built any differently to women.

Talk to your dh - don't nag, I've found from experience that it achieves nothing apart from creating resentment. Explain to him how you feel, and try to arrange a system that suits you both. Then you are both adults on an equal footing, and you both have a responsibility to keep to what you've agreed.

Cappy, you do enable him, he isnt doing the same for you, you are entitled to his help, and whether you gain or the family gains, or both, it is a sign that he is willing to help you, that is what he isnt doing now, and that is what you seem to be wanting from him.

As for living separate lives, you are not happy, because you live your life for him, he lives his own, you should too, that doesnt mean seperatley, just your choices, your life.

sometimes i feel that way.

just for thought though - my dh did not properly bond with his dds until dd1 was 3.5 and dd2 was 2. once this happened it changed a whole lot in terms of our relationship as a family and as a couple.

it is easier for us to make sacrifices/changes earlier in our family life b/c it comes naturally (sort of, or at least, in the most part), but for our dh's/dps it may take longer

Only if you allow it to be that way which unfortunately many women do.

Perhaps dh is unusually good, but I don't feel I am working harder at our marriage, or even at the housework, than he is.

Women are still fed the idea that they exist for men's benefit, that men are more important, that 'successful family life' is about keeping the man happy so he doesn't go and have sex with anyone else and leave. Finding and servicing a man is still percieved by too many people to be the purpose of women's lives: no matter what a woman has achieved, if she is smart lucky unusual enough to have avoided marriage or long-term pairbonding, she's still kind of sneered at as inadequate or somehow suspect. TO make a marriage work, you have to insist on equal free time for the woman, otherwise it's way too easy for the man to start thinking that the woman is not a human being, just a 'woman' ie servant/possession/domestic applicance.

Solidgold, is it REALLY that way? Honestly?? I actually don't think so.

Firstly, to address something that the OP said in the OP. I absolutely think that when you have children, they come first, waaaay way ahead of us, as parents. Thats the key though, as PARENTS, in the plural. Your DS should be paramount to your DH too.

I think it can be very easy for SAHMs to fall into a pattern of doing all the childcare - i am one, and sometimes i do resent it. Sometimes, though, i think my DP rather resents that i CAN do all the childcare.

I have never been a party animal, we ironically had started socialising quite a bit more before DD came along but of course that all stopped when she arrived. For BOTH of us. Yes, i suppose we could have made the effort and gone out either separately or got childcare. But we didn't want to. We have pretty much grown out of that now (we are 38 and 44!).

For me, successful family life is about working together and playing together, pardon the cliche, but it is. I can never understand couples, children or not, who's principal hobbies are separate from each other. I have lots of friends who are like this, the men at the golf course, the women shopping or with their horses. That for me just sucks, whether it is a SAHM or WOHM or childless couple, i just don't see the point of being together if you are not going to be, well, together! Yes, have your own friends and hobbies, but not that take up most of the spare time.

I guess this would be felt even more acutely by a SAHM, as it is very easy to fall out of the loop while the working parent remains within their social circle as it is often linked with work.

I really don't feel that I have made more sacrifices than my DH to make my marriage work at all.

We both put our son and our home life way ahead of anything else in terms of priorities. When DH isn't helping out with our son, housework or DIY, he is working like a dog. I feel like he juggles huge amounts very well and has sacrificed a lot of things for the greater good of our family. He takes very little leisure / rest time, and will break his back rather than see me or DS unhappy in any way.

I have also sacrificed things - I am a SAHM at the moment, so obviously my career isn't 'all guns blazing' right now, and I don't have the great social life I used to. But who does, really?

I realise I am in the minority among some of my friends, though. I see some great women reduced to complete and utter servants to their men (not just their kids) and that does make me sad and angry.

MCL: I think many people do make it work in a fair and mutually-satisfying way. But many don't, and that so many women put up with being treated like a serf is down to the long history of that being what women were for. and the constant flow of crap like The Rules and the entire output of John Fuckhead Gray (Mars, Venus, and You're talking out of Uranus mate!) - it's still seen as the woman's job to fix and manage the relationship rather than telling the man to behave fairly or fuck off.