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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about DH going away when I'm so near my due date?

16 replies

MegaPhone · 10/11/2008 13:54

I'm 8 months pregnant and DH has just announced that he has 'business' to deal with in Chicago and will be leaving for a couple of weeks.

I was furious and told him he couldn't leave now and he said I'm being dramatic and have family to look after me. By this he means "his" family who basically smother me, not look after me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Iklboo · 10/11/2008 13:56

Hide his passport

Cies · 10/11/2008 13:58

YANBU. Is there anyone else who could point out to him that this is a really important time for him to be around?

Fiveplusbump · 10/11/2008 13:58

YANBU I would be furious .

annh · 10/11/2008 13:58

When is he leaving and what does he mean by a "few" weeks? Is he actually prepared to miss the birth?! Which could be any day now if you don't go to term?

SoWhat · 10/11/2008 13:59

YANBU at all.

Sparkletastic · 10/11/2008 13:59

totally out of order - has he indicated previously that he didn't want to be at the birth and / or wasn't bothered if he's there or not?! Is this major avoidance tactic?! for you. Do you have other DCs - if so they'll need him around surely?

onthewarpath · 10/11/2008 14:48

It's funny, Had exactly the same and in Chicago too... He came back 10days before due date, only to tell me he had to go somewhere else for "just 3 days" , so still before DD. On the day he came back he just had time to go through the door and I told him we had to go to hospital as contractions became stronger.(I was actually just about reaching the phone to call for a friend to get me FAST to the maternity unit)Hospital 5 minutes away, got there, DH put bag down, I pushed a bit and DD4 appeared...Time from leaving home 'til first cry...12''

Funny to think about it now but quite sressfull at the time. Try to really get him to understand it is putting you under a lot of stress that you do not need.And insist on the fact he might miss his DC's birth and there will be no "replay" of the magical event. He also needs to know that yes, he is due back before DD but sometimes things do not quite go according to plan...

WorzselMummage · 10/11/2008 14:51

Blimy.. YANBU !

Spink · 10/11/2008 15:09

YANBU!!
dh had a job offer which meant he would be away for 2 weeks either side of ds' due date. We talked about it LONG AND HARD and in the end decided together than he had to take it (the money was just too needed to turn it down). This then meant we had plenty of time to plan for lots of (helpful) support being in place for me. As luck would have it, ds was born early and dh was at home til he was 3 days old. I didn't like it at all but AT THE VERY LEAST would expect dh to a)understand the gravity of potentially not being there
b)want to talk through with you all the consequences and impact of going away and c)help prepare by putting in practical plans to help you manage as best as possible if he is not there.

What gets me most about your situation is how dismissive your dh seems to be about it. Has he just reacted without thinking? Would it help if you could have a calm conversation about him going away and the effect it has on you (and on him, should he miss the birth).
My dh thinks he is pretty good at this sort of stuff but he too is being a bit clueless now that dc2 is due - another job has come up for him, which means he'll be away on and off right up til my due date. It was only when I sat him down and explained that I won't be able to cope very easily, when heavily pregnant, with ds (21months), no family support, and the likelihood of dc2 arriving, like ds, early. He admitted that he'd 'forgotten' about that and had just focussed on the actual due date. Once he realised, we decided, all things taken into account, that he wouldn't take this job.

Sorry, I've gone on for ages.. but I hope in some way that helps!! My advice would be don't back him into a corner, have a calm clear conversation about the practical and emotional realities of him being away, and explain that you need to come up with solutions that you're both happy with.

spookycharlotte121 · 10/11/2008 15:13

My ex wanted to go to magaluf with his mates on the week I was due... I told him no! He didnt go and then when dd was late had a go at me because he could have gone. But then he went shopping instead of coming to the birth anyways!

Imagine if you went into labour when he was away.... would you really want you MIL in there with you coz I would rather stick pins in my eyes than give birth with my exps evil interfearing mother there.

MrsTittleMouse · 10/11/2008 15:17

spink speaks words of wisdom. My DH had to go away, just for two nights, and it involved a lot of discussion to make the decision that he should go. In the end he had a dreadful time as he was stressing the whole time that I would go into labour and he wouldn't be there with me.

mayorquimby · 10/11/2008 15:22

depends on how important the business is.
the way the markets are at te minute any potential business is noot to be sniffed at

MrsMattie · 10/11/2008 15:27

Depends. My DH went to Dubai on business for 4 days recently (I was 37 weeks pregnant). I wasn't overly happy about it, but we discussed it and decided it was OK because a) it was going to bring in a lot of money to his business (money we need!) and b) my mum and sister had agreed to be on hand to help out with DS and be there if I went into labour. If it hadn't been an essential trip, or I hadn't had back up help from family, I would have been very unhappy about it, and I think my DH would have respected that.

As with MrsTM - my DH suffered more than me in the end. I was diagnosed with obstetric cholestasis while he was away and although I was fine - had my mum and the hospital looking after me - he was scared shitless and couldn't wait to get home.

alicet · 10/11/2008 15:28

Spink sums this up really well. Have a clam discussion with him about what the options are for both of you and what the implications are for him going and not going.

No way would I have been happy with this. But then I am lucky that both myself and dh have pretty secure jobs and him turning down somehting like this wouldn't have had any impact on that. If thats not the case with you then the situation is different.

How about showing him this thread?

alicet · 10/11/2008 15:28

Um that would be a calm discussion not a clam one

tw70 · 10/11/2008 17:55

Pfft, I like the clam discussion - she talks, he sits there like a clam, listening!

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