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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect friend's supportive phone call to be about "me" and not "her"

25 replies

feelletdown · 09/11/2008 20:32

DS failed entrance exam. Friend's DS passed. Friend phoned me to see how we were all doing given disappointing news. After opening sentence, conversation turned to her continued concerns about school being right for her DS and how worried she is about whether he'll be happy there etc etc. Now, OK, she has every right to be worried and of course she should feel she can discuss with me. But AIBU to think it was a bit tactless,on results day, given that my DS didn't get into the school he so dearly wanted to go through? Feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth to get a phone call along the lines of " so sorry your DS didn't make it into the school he really wanted. Just phoning to see how you are. My DS did pass, unlike yours, but not sure it's the right one for him, will give him a year, and if it's still not good enough for our precious DS, we'll pull him out and send him to the second rate school your DS will be going to..." All valid concerns, just think the timing was a bit off. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
MoreSpamThanGlam · 09/11/2008 20:35

Nope YANBU. Sounds like she is gloating...and disguising it as being concerned.

ilovemydogandPresidentObama · 09/11/2008 20:35

She sounds like a nervous type who just spouts off rubbish when she doesn't know what to say... She was probably trying to be supportive, but doesn't know how?

StealthPolarBANG · 09/11/2008 20:35

no yanbu! very tactless and self centred
sorry about school

Lizzylou · 09/11/2008 20:36

Perhaps she was trying (badly) to make you feel better? Assuring you that the school wasn't the be all and end all?
It sounds like she was trying to be nice

LaDiDaDi · 09/11/2008 20:37

Maybe she was trying to paint the school in a "not necessarily all it's cracked up to be way?" so that you wouldn't feel that your son was going to get a worse deal than hers??

Hard to say if yabu or not tbh.

StealthPolarBANG · 09/11/2008 20:40

hmm interesting, I think they may have a point!
Especially as she suggested pulling him out and sending him to the same school as your DS - as though she was trying to say that the "best" school isn't necessarily the best for each child.

forevercleaning · 09/11/2008 20:43

with lizzylou on this. sorry about your ds though

Original poster
feelletdown · 09/11/2008 20:45

no, don't think it was a clumsy attempt at being supportive. Don't really need to ask MN if she IBU, I know she is. Of course, all our families come first, but please, don't ring someone on the pretence of being supportive just to open up the opportunity to share concerns about your own DCs, who are actually doing perfectly ok at this moment in time. I'll be there for her if and when her worries come true. But that's not NOW, this is my time to be worried. No need to post more, I know IANBU and she is being very selfish, whichever way you look at it.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBANG · 09/11/2008 20:48

fair enough, we weren't there, you were!
It does sound like the kind of thing I would do though (DS only 18mo so no opportunities so far ) and then kick myself for being such an idiot

MoreSpamThanGlam · 09/11/2008 20:55

bloody hell...sorry I spoke

Original poster
feelletdown · 09/11/2008 21:00

not sure I understand that post MoreSpamThanGlam, sorry if I did something wrong.... just very emotional right now and need my RL friends to be supportive, so perhaps I have pissed of the MNetters being kind to me in the process. Sorry.

OP posts:
MoreSpamThanGlam · 09/11/2008 21:03

Maybe think before you post and ask for support then eh? Pick up the phone and speak to your RL friends.

Your mate was being insensitive but its not the end of the world fgs.

puppydavies · 09/11/2008 21:09

tbh from what you've said i get the impression she was trying to be supportive. fair enough, she got it spectacularly wrong, but i think your response is being coloured by your understandable disappointment for ds.

onebatmother · 09/11/2008 21:09

Oh dear, I think people are trying to be kind, fld, by pointing out that it's likely that your RL friend was actually trying to reassure you.

Honestly, I think she'd worry that she'd sound a bit crass if she said 'oh how awful, but don't worry, it's not the end of the world, DS might not have enjoyed it anyway..' It would be rather patronizing, wouldn't it?

I think she's trying to 'model' it, by telling you that same fact, but applying it to her own son.

Sorry you're so upset.

frankbestfriend · 09/11/2008 21:13

Sorry for your DS.

I think it sounds like your friend was making a very clumsy attempt to play down her son's acceptance into the school, to make you feel better about your own situation.
Is your own dissapointment clouding your judgement of her reaction, possibly?

Original poster
feelletdown · 09/11/2008 21:14

ok, so IABU. Hope you never have to go through similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelletdown · 09/11/2008 21:16

BTW you need to understand that the opening sentence of the call was about being sorry for my DS. The other 10 minutes of the call was about her worries about her DS. Just to put it in perspective.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 09/11/2008 21:19

yabu

she was trying to empathise
she was making a valid point re schools being right for individuals
she was making a point that she felt the school that your ds will be going to WAS good enough for her ds too

what did you want her to say?

of course you are disappointed, and you have every right to be, but you sound quite bitter about it and - well - them's the breaks you know.

EmiliaCoralie · 09/11/2008 21:22

It does sound as if your friend was trying to make you feel better by suggesting that the school might not be that great after all and that her son might in fact be happier at your son's school. I would think that would be more tactful than just phoning and pitying you

Sorry you're upset though. Hope your son ends up being happy at the other school after all

Original poster
feelletdown · 09/11/2008 21:35

OK, IABU. Just find it hard to spend 10 mins of an 11 min phone call re-assuring someone who got the result they wanted, when they phoned supposedly to offer their support. Clearly, I have to put aside my family's disappointment to support others . silly me.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBANG · 10/11/2008 09:16

That isn't what people are saying.
It's impossible for us to know but it does sound as though she was using this as an opportunity to (without sounding false) emphasise that the school isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Of course that might not be the case, but we don't know!

AbbeyA · 10/11/2008 09:29

Results are a bit emotive for everyone. I think she was trying to help. If you put yourself in her shoes it is difficult to know what to say to the person whose DC failed when your DC passed. I would just let it go and not dwell on it.

Lizzylou · 10/11/2008 09:35

I really think that you are feeling very upset and disappointed and letting this cloud your judgement (although, I conceded I didn't hear the conversation).
This is exactly the sort of thing I would do, run off at the mouth because I am nervous and want my friend to feel better. I am sure that it is a clumsy attempt at empathy.
Hope you and your DS are OK

CrushWithEyeliner · 10/11/2008 09:36

Look I think you need to take some time. I read the post and really my first thought was that she was trying to play the school down a bit and give the option of going to the one your DS is going to. She obviously did it very badly and upset you in the process. I do feel for you on this one but you have to move on.

blinks · 10/11/2008 09:53

CAAAAM DOWN! CAAAAAM DOWN!

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