To think this is child neglect and maybe I should say/do something?

[mamhaf]

My dd, 12, had a new friend to stay over on Friday night after a bonfire party in our village.

We arranged with the friend's mother, a single parent (this isn't judgemental btw, just an explanation that there isn't another parent we could contact), that we'd bring her home at 5pm yesterday.

But when we pulled up outside the friend's house, it was all in darkness.

The child phoned her mother on her mobile who was in the pub, drunk and who told her she wouldn't be home for about another 5 hours.

We brought the girl home and she's still with us - absolutely no problem for us, but left me and dh wondering what, if anything, we should say/do in regard to her mother.

We've left messages on the mother's phone saying where her daughter is and asking her to call us, but no response.

The family seem to live in some chaos - when I called around to pick up the child for a previous sleepover, the mum, who was very pleasant and friendly, asked me in.

The house was a tip - not just untidy, but with rubbish piled up everywhere.

It seems from what the daugher says that her mum may be on antidepressants. She certainly has problems with her older teenager, 15, who has been excluded from school and may be going to live with the father 200 miles away.

What would you do? Say nothing, but tell the child she can come and stay with us whenever she likes?

Say something to the mother? If so, what?

I feel very sorry for the child - although she seems very mature (I suppose she has to be) and at 12 is able to fend for herself I suppose.

What a sad situation, feel very sorry for the girl too.
Am not sure what you can do, but this really isnt right.
What have you said to the girl about her mother, does she know she hasnt returned your calls?

Oh dear - something definitely not right. I mean if the mum is meant to be at home at 5pm to wait for her DD to be dropped off, and she is in the pub drunk .

I would probably keep as much of an eye on the girl as I could, and make sure she is not in danger of being neglected.

Keep a note of any instances, incase you need to report later on.

Poor girl

So she's stayed with you overnight? That's bang out of order for the mother to do that. She's lucky that it was not too much of a problem for you guys to put her up. Poor girl having to live like that.

As for reporting her, it's so awkward isn't it? I think I would do a bit more 'research' before doing that as it could mean that your daughter's friend is not allowed near you guys any more and loses her only form of respite. I think I'd try and talk to the school and see if they can do a bit more digging their end. It might be something they've already picked up on and that they could get Social Services involved without it coming from you. (I'm a teacher at Secondary school and was a Head of Year and I sometimes had to deal with similar situations).

I wouldn't confront the mother about all your concerns, though I don't think it's totally out of order for you to tell her that her behaviour last night was out of order.

We haven't said anything to the girl about her mum - she's her mother who I'm sure she loves and I wouldn't want to be passing judgement on her to the child.

We've said something like:"oh it's a filthy night anyway, why don't you just stay until tomorrow and we'll take you back the?"

Thanks chocolate - I hadn't thought of speaking to the school. They must be aware of some of the circumstances of the family because the older teenager has been excluded - apparantly for doing things like taking alcohol into school.

I'd prefer not to confront the mother because that might get back to the child, who I don't want to feel even worse about her situation.

It is fortunate we weren't doing something last night or today which would have made it difficult for the girl to stay with us.

Oh, I think you did exactly the right thing and were very sensitive to the poor kid's feelings.

mamhaf - It was very good of you to let the girl stay another night!

I think talking to the school might be your best bet - are your dd and this girl in the same class?

The girl must feel awful. Well done for brushing it off in front of her, I can't imagine how awkward she feels.

Yes, the girls are both in the same class, so I think talking to the personal tutor is the best thing to do.

And also having a word with dd to make sure she gives her friend as much support as possible and sticks by her.

poor girl, I agree about school.
awkward situation for you, but think you did well.

I would go above the girls' tutor, to be honest. They would definitely have to go to Head of Year/House anyway (and they'll come back to you for more detail) and that'll take time. Write your concerns down so that they've got something to refer to...

By the way, the poor girl is VERY lucky to have you and your DD in her life. My mum and dad took in a friend of my sister's for a few months when they were a similar age because things at home were pretty dreadful. She still sees mum now, almost 20 years later and thanks her.

Good luck x

i agree flag up to school and also make sure the girl knows that she can cme to you at any time if needed. that's worth a huge amount i think. as long a you and your family are happy with it.

I think you have dealt with this complicated situation in the best ever possible way. Thumbs up for not having passed any comments about the mother in front of her daughter. Start with the school as you said.

At one point in my life I got pretty depressed and the only thing I could do was shout all day,there were definitely days where I wished someone would come and ask if I needed help. It never happend. Maybe in a few days if you invite the mum for a coffee with a "our girls seem to get along so fine, it would be nice to get to now eachother more." and take it from there. She might just be going through a very bad patch and could be "sorted out" with the right sort of friend or advice. As it is a very delicate situation do not rush things and barge in with judgements(It does not sound as if you are the kind of person anyway.)

Thanks everyone. The mum's just phoned and collected her daughter - very apologetic although her excuses didn't hold water, but I didn't push that.

After listening to the child tell us a bit more about the problems with her older sibling this morning (before the mum arrived), I have nothing but sympathy for the mother - she clearly has a lot to deal with and while not excusing her, I can understand why she took the chance to have a few hours release last night.

From what her daughter was saying about the sibling, social services must already be involved with the family. It sounds as though the sibling might be moving away soon on a semi-permanent basis which would probably improve things for them.

I'll keep an eye on things - the girls will be together again next weekend, and I've asked my dd to support her friend as much as she can.

I think you are being slightly naive about the mother mamhaf. The 15 year old is probably behaving as she is because of neglect from the mother. It is not normal to ignore your 12 year old and not telephone people who are looking after her.

I would be very wary of getting too involved with the mother in this situation. She evidently prefers being in the pub to looking after her children (and 15 year olds still need lots of looking after as well as 12 year olds).

Mamhaf - no advice - apart from I agree having a word with the shcool. Just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely person.

mamhaf,

I feel for you, see my thread from earlier this year on a similar situation.

In your shoes, I'd keep track of this girl for a few weeks, and if this isn't an isolated incident, then ring the NSPCC and talk to them about the child's situation. You can remain anonymous (and You will probably prefer to. They cannot guarentee that your name will not get back to the mother eventually, I was shocked to learn), but this child needs someone to be taking an interest in her.

If she and your DD get on, can your dd invite her to contact you if she is alone or something (if you feel you can get this involved).

As I found out, Schools are not able to be as much help as we would like to think in this situation.

In part the problem could have been that she shouldn't have been drinking alcohol on her anti-depressents and got very very drunk very quickly

Im afraid you need to speak to SS. it is quite possible they are involved already given the eldest daughter's problems with schol. but they need to know what hs happened over the weekend.

what on earth would have happened if you hadn't been caring for the dd.

please contact them and explain what you have said here...or if your worried about calling yourself speak to school on monday. they will call instead.

She's a single parent and on antidepressants?

So am I. Big deal.

My house isnt dirty and I dont neglect my kids. Being pissed in the pub and leaving her kid with you is just not on im afraid. Single mum or not.

poor little girl

thank god you were there for her

yes the mum was wrong, but havent most of us got a bit pissed at one time or another

keep an eye on things and it wouldnt hurt to have a small chat to school/teacher and just make sure that the girl knows that she can always stay with you - maybe give her your mobile number so she can contact you in an emergancy

umm most of us have got pissed on many occasions - I have NEVER been so pissed I was not able to look after my DC
It is not on and I second above that the elder childs problems are almost certainly as a RESULT of the mothers behaviour not a cause of it!
Poor poor kids

all i am saying, is if it was the 1st time it happened, then yes it shouldnt have, but give the mum some slack

we all do things we regret

being a single parent is very hard and maybe she needed time out - but yes agree she shouldnt have done it

but keep an eye and lets hope it wont happen again

Just one question - how did the little girl react to the house being in darkness and ther being no mother there - and to finding her mother drunk when she phoned her?? If it was a one off then surely she would have been horrified by this? If a regular occurance, she might have been a bit casual about it (maybe to hide the shame ). I grew up in an alcoholic home and this scenario sounds terribly familiar. I think that you did a lovely thing taking her in and obviously it would mean a lot to her to know that she could come to you should there be a problem again but I really think that if you suspect there is any sort of pattern in the mothers behaviour/drinking then I agree with the posters that suggest taking it seriously and think you should definately report it to the school or to SS.

yes i do agree i think you are brill at the way you handled it tbh yes i agree you should talk to somone in the know while still being in contact with the dd and freindly terms with the dd mother we really don't know what sort of state the dd mother is in like said she should'nt drink while taking ad for a start but don,t know why etc be her friend and speak to some one she does'nt need to know its the dd welfare at heart at the moment poor thing