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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hell yes I am but I have had enough!

16 replies

Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:32

Dd goes to 3 extra curricular activities. I love her going to these activities, it is my time to heap attention on her and she loves the activities she does. Recently a mum I have known on and off started at swimming, and her child was in dd's group. The child really didn't like it and disrupted the class every lesson, as the dc needed more attention than the rest of the class, her mum had to stay poolside or the child would freak, so I would be left looking after the very difficult 18 m/o as the baby wasn't allowed poolside or in the viewing gallery. Therefore I couldn't watch dd, and missed her achieving her first two badges (pfb I know). Her child is horrid to dd-scratching, biting, kicking, saying really nasty things as dd isn't in to "cool things" (they are 4 btw). Yes, it was dd's fav after school thing, but I figured we had two more that were just me and dd, so we can cope. Now they have started dancing too! And the child is just as disruptive, and still makes a bee-line for dd, and still makes dd's activities a misery, but I don't want to take dd out of them as she enjoyed them pre-scary child. I can't be straight with the mum really as we work together (she is much more senior than me) and we get along really well, and the children used to be play friends until her child became a bit hard to cope with. The dc also turns everything around so tells her mum my dd did the biting, scratching, hitting, and my dd then gets confronted, then I have to step in, and it all goes haywire, even if the mum saw the whole thing (dd will eventually shout "get off!" or "leave me alone!" or something, and is therefore unreasonable .) Should I just abandon all activities?

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Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:34

Heap attention as in dd knows I am watching her for the full class time as opposed to the "just a minute"s she gets at home, and we always have an hour long "dd and I" time afterwards in the cafe bit (or used to before scary came along)

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TheProvincialLady · 07/11/2008 12:35

No you certainly shouldn't do that. You CAN be straight with this woman about the difficulties between your two daughters because this is a private matter and not in any way related to work. I would present it in a non judgemental way about the girls having trouble getting on rather than her DD upsetting yours. And tell her that you can't look after the 18m any more at swimming because your DD is upset that you aren't watching her win her badges etc. The other mother has no right to expect that you will.

blueskyandsunshine · 07/11/2008 12:38

God you poor thing.

No don't abandon activities.

Who has the 18 m o? Is it the other mum? I would stop minding her child for a start tbh.

Stay very very VERY calm when addressing the dd-dd fighting issues. When altogether you must support your dd, and show that you trust her, and not fall in with the other dd's version because of the work hierarchy.

Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:38

Thanks provincial-I know I'm a wuss but I'm so scared of the repercussions, but dd is starting to dread going, and is getting really mean to the other child if she gets a badge or something and the other child doesn't (don't want to divulge sex of child incase the mum recognises me ) which I am appalled at-dd has never had a mean streak until this, and doesn't say it to any other children.

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JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 07/11/2008 12:38

Sounds awful. I have no experience but I don't think you should abandon all activities - that would be giving in! I understand it being awkward if the other mum is more senior to you at work, but if you do get along well can you not say something tactful about your DD needing to be able to concentrate more on the activity so can her DD be encouraged to leave her alone a little? Good luck!

more · 07/11/2008 12:39

Are there not some other classes in the area which you could enrol her in instead.

more · 07/11/2008 12:41

Is the kicking, biting etc going on in class? If yes then you should bring it up with the teacher.

Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:42

I never get into politics with the children as it is unfair, but the child will NOT apologise, and will run off shouting "I hate you dd fat face" or something, whereas dd always apologises and is seeing that it is unfair. I want to give her a smacked bottom! . The 18 m/o is other lady's, and have steeled myself to say I must watch my dd, as she is getting too upset. I used to love talking to the other mums too, and now I have lost that as she monopolises me and now I am "the friend of the woman with the uncontrollable child", so they won't talk to me on the occassions they don't go.

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chopchopbusybusy · 07/11/2008 12:42

I'd stop minding the toddler. What would the other Mum do then? With luck, she'll have to stop going - problem solved. But definitely don't cancel activities for your DD.

TheProvincialLady · 07/11/2008 12:42

Yes you could always say that you are not pleased with your DD not concentrating on what she is doing in classes when you are paying so much for them..

You are in the right and she would have to be very unprofessional indeed to let this affect you in any way at work. You would be within your rights to complain (and she would know that).

I think if you model a good response to this for your DD it will benefit all of you and her meaner behaviours (which are quite understandable really) will stop.

Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:44

The teacher is getting v with the other child anyway, as she won't join in or do anything he asks, and isn't up to the standard of the class. I am hoping he may move her to another class . There are other classes, but these ones fit our budget and are really good, especially for what we pay.V good idea tho Jammy . May also say "you will never get any better if you just play in the pool other child, why don't you swim more and try and beat the others?"

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Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:46

Dammit, gave the sex away . You are all so sensible, thank you so much, I was convinced I would get flamed and told to stop being so precious about it.

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JammyQueenOfTheSewers · 07/11/2008 12:50

Paws - you gave the sex away in the first post - "her mum had to stay poolside or the child would freak"

Hope you sort something out amicably. It's a shame for your DD's activities to be ruined, and even more so if it's affecting her behaviour.

DarksomeNight · 07/11/2008 12:51

Why are you watching her other child, why can't she do it????
I would say no thanks you are quite able, just cos she is your boss at work, doesn't mean you ahev to do as you are told outside of work.

Pawslikepaddington · 07/11/2008 12:54

Because I am a wet blanket and let people walk all over me . I am a very independent person, if I want dd to go to a club it is so she learns to socialise, does some sport, and has fun in the process. I get chance to sit down, and watch her properly, and it is win win. Therefore I have decided I am NBU in telling this woman that she needs to look after her family and I need to look after mine . Oooh, I'm all puffed up now, lets hope the confidence lasts until I see them (I am such a dur-brain thinking I had slyly concealed her dd's sex!)

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DarksomeNight · 07/11/2008 12:56

Why on earth should you look after her children when you are there to watch your dd. From now on don't tell her where you go. And draw the line. Tell her that this is your social time, you are off duty and are spending time with your dd.

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