To want to stay in touch with my ex BIL?

[sphil]

My sister split up from her DH 7 years ago. It was instigated by her and was pretty unexpected, though I knew that she'd been unhappy for some time. They'd been married for 20 years so we knew my BIL well and he is DS2's godfather.

Ever since then she has found being in social situations with her ex-DH very difficult. It has meant that we've often had to choose whether to invite her or him to parties etc, which has meant that he's been excluded. She has told us that she finds it 'odd' that we want to stay in touch with him, as she has no interest in keeping in contact with any of his family.

As the years have gone by things have got slightly easier, but Christmas is still a sticking point. They share custody of their children, which means that they do Christmas Day on alternate years. This year she has the DCs on Xmas day and BIL has them on Boxing Day. She wants to spend Boxing Day with us, but thinks that BIL might ask if he can also come and see us with the kids. Her view is that we should tell him not to come if he asks, because she'll be there. She told me I should tell him to 'f* off and spend time with his own family'. I don't think she meant it, but the sentiment is there.

I love my sister - we are very close and I never want to make her feel uncomfortable. But at the same time I want to stay in touch with ex-BIL - we get on well with him, and he is, after all, the father of our nieces and nephews and our son's godfather. He seems perfectly comfortable in my sister's company - he has a new partner and has 'moved on'. (My sister has a partner too btw. She also gets on well with her exDh's new partner.)
Advice please?

At the end of the day if he is a friend ans someone who you welcomed into your family, AND he's not done anything worng then she should put up imo.

He's ds's godfather for gods sake and your not even allowed to see him once a year, in your own house?!?!?!?!

your sis needs to grow up

Oh we see him more than once a year - it's just Christmas and whole family gatherings that are a problem.

Well she still needs to get over it

Personally? I adore my sil, but if she became an ex sil she'd come second after my brother because I'd expect the same from my brother in return. So come another day (as he clearly does) because sister has first dibs on the date she wants to come because that's the way it works. If the kids are upset then I'd try and persuade her, but ultimately I'd suggest the next day if that's what it came down to.
It sounds funny, but my brother supported me in a very very messy break up with my boyfriend who was also his best friend and flat mate - and it wasn't obvious who was in the right. I was so grateful for that.
I appreciate that the children are an important factor, but if you see them a lot anyway I'd give your ssiter the day she wants.

Well that's what I think tbh, but I just wondered if there would be anyone on here who would see it from her pov, so that I could feel less cross with her! Iyswim.

Sorry Luckylady - xposted!

Feel cross with her - that's what siblings are for!. My brother has just been to stay for a rare visit, eaten the entire contents of my larder and shown off his designer clothes (I'm currently modelling George at Asda!) -- but what can you do? Take the piss mercilessly of course

Luckylady - that's interesting, because I think she may well feel it's a question of loyalty. She was very upset that our parents didn't support her more when she decided on the split and maybe feels that our continued contact with BIL (they still see him too) is disloyal to her. And I do feel that family loyalty is important, which is why I'm so torn.

The 'bloody family' comment would seem to suggest that - I know I revert to some of my childhood ways when I interact with close family - it's hard not too. Perhaps try and see in the way of the girl you grew up with rather than a mature sensible adult!

scuse the spelling - half a bottle of wine to cope with family staying!

Families eh?

my parents split up and still kept in touch with their ex-inlaws. They'd shared a lot of holidays / family dos etc together over the years so would have been a shame for them to cut em all out.

never thought it was odd myself
I'm pretty sure that if anything happened between DH and I, christmas and birthday cards would still be exchanged between me and MIL and SIL and we'd have a nice chat if we bumped into each other

My personal opinion is that you should respect your sister's wishes. Since you say the split was unexpected, it sounds like you were not privy (sp?) to the exact problems that caused the breakup. If one of my siblings asked me not to contact their ex, I'd do as they wanted.

I agree with Luckylady. I don't think that your sister is being completely reasonable but I think that your first duty is to her. It's obviously going to upset her if he's there, sounds like he will probably understand if he's not invited so I would take the easy option and not invite him.