I possibly just need to vent, but any helpful advice would be gratefully recieved....

[Gracie123]

Time old issue of MIL. Lol.

DH's parents got divorced when he was 10, so he has always been 'man of the house' to his mum and 2 sisters.
They were really resentful about us getting married (even though we postponed for a year because MIL wanted us to wait - her suggestion was 8 years, we thought 1 was reasonable).

When I was having DS they made it clear that we had made a terrible mistake, and when I was heavily pregnant took a 5 week family holiday to Africa without me (DH went with).

They are now planning another one for next year, even though DH and I are trying to get pregnant again, and it's been suggested that DH and DS go without me if I'm pregnant by then. I should be happy that they want to spend time with DS, but I'm actually just jealous.
MIL found out that I was going to stay with my sister for a week (to look after her DD whilst she had some surgery) and arranged to come visit whilst I was away, arriving and leaving on the exact days so she wouldn't see me.

Now we are having issues over christmas. DH says that we should take turns to visit all family over christmas, e.g. my family one year, then his mums, then his dads, then mine again etc....

The thing that's annoying me is that christmas has always been a really big celebration at my house, with lots of family and friends gathered. He has worked every christmas, christmas eve, boxing day since he was 12 and family didn't care. Now that he has spent one christmas with my family (they were all invited - didn't want to come though) they are insisting it be shared equally.

The other crap thing is that they don't have anyone else over, MIL is drunk by lunchtime and falls asleep, SiL is going to be spending christmas with her boyfriend and there are no other children for my DS to play with.

Is it unreasonable to suggest we alternate families as in my family, then one of his parents, my family, then the other of his parents, etc... ?

I would not be happy with a his mum, his dad, your family arrangement because you only get to see your family every third turn whereas his side gets two thirds of the celebrations. Not fair IMO, However, I'm not sure if my family then alternate his mum/his dad is fair either, since they are then relegated to the once every four years position. Perhaps you could say your family one year his the next - and then alternate who you actually spend xmas day with (his dad or mum) and spend a few days in the period with the other.

Sorry you're being left out so much though, I'd be peed off too!

No YANBU.

As for 5 week family holiday when you were heavily pregnant . Absolutely outrageous! Also would be a cold day in hell before my DS went off on one of these holidays from which I was being deliberately excluded unless considerably older. Your DH needs a kick up the arse.

As for the arriving and leaving so she wouldnt see you, well thank goodness for small mercies, though I know that is not very helpful.

I have had many trials and tribulations with In Laws and one thing I know is that if your DH doesn't step up and do the right thing and by this I mean not pissing off on long holiday from which you are excluded then you will never get anywhere.

I really do feel for you.

i would be going mad at my Dh if he went away with his family for 5 WEEKS without me let alone if i was heavily pregnant!!!

you need to tell you DH to step up and be a man yes he was the man of the house to his mum and sisters when his dad left but now he is the man of YOUR house and has his own family to think of!!

yanbu

however you dh sounds like an arse

sorry

I think you have to get DH to stand up to them-he could start by telling them that he can't go on the planned holiday.

How old is your DH? He sounds about 12 years old. Tell him to grow a pair of balls.

There is no way on Gods earth that my DS would go on a 5 week holiday that I was deliberately excluded from. FFS.

Gracie I sympathise with you. My DH's parents have been divorced since he was 1 and live at opposite ends of the country so Christmas can be a problem for us too. We tend to do one year with his Mum, next year with my parents and try to spend New Year or a bit of time in between Xmas and NY with his Dad and that side of the family.
My MIL has now moved 150 miles away (thank the Lord) and is refusing to come back to where all her children live for the festive season, so we've taken the decision to do a family Christmas without her,although I'm sure she'll insist that we all godown and staywith her at some point over the holidays - luckily I'll have a brand new baby as an excuse!
I really think that once you have your own family and kids that it is time to put your foot down and do what you want to do, so no YANBU!

Your dh needs to grow a pair of bollocks-he should be supporting you and your dc's not carrying his mother and allowing this behaviour to continue...5 weeks away while you are pregnant? -the guy is a joke!

Okay, people really seem to have got the wrong idea about my husband!

He is actually the most loving and supporting person you could ever imagine, under every circumstance, except where his mum is concerned! The guy took 7 weeks unpaid leave from work when I actually had my DS (I had post natal psychosis - unfortunately when he went back to work his mum moved in for two weeks to 'keep and eye on me with the baby!)

He really is just a very compassionate guy, but also really compassionate with his mum. He would much rather spend time with me, but feels incredibly guilty about his dad leaving his mum, as proved by the fact that although he went to SA, he rang me about 5 times a day for a 'chat'.

His mum is a very forceful woman, I find it hard to say no, but she is very 'nice' and doing everything for your benefit, it's just not always what you want.

The problem is not that my husband won't tell her what we are doing for christmas, it's that I don't know how to tell him I don't like her or want to spend more time than necessary with her.

Oh my God. Your MIL sounds horrendous.

I know you love your husband and want to defend him, but it really is out of order to go on a 5 week holiday when you are heavily pregnant. And as for wanting to do the same thing next year and you are excluded again.... bloody hell.... .

As for him feeling guilty about his dad leaving when he was 10, just a little boy, it's harsh, but he needs to let that go. I can't imagine it was anything to do with him, and I think he's been more than supportive to his family. Just because he's male, doesn't mean he needs to bear all the responsibility of looking after the family into adulthood.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but you and your DC are his responsibility now, and they come first....

Hope you manage to sort it all out. I don't envy you and don't think it's unreasonable to sound pissed off about it....

My sympathies, your MIL sounds like a right cow I wouldn't be upset that you don't see her and your husband needs to get his priorities right.

Why should your dh feel guilty about his dad leaving? It wasn't his fault. And it sounds as though his mum has been playing on that compassionate side of him to the point where she is almost getting him to choose between you.

He does seriously need to stand up to her and say no. No way should he have buggered off on holiday for 5 weeks when you were heavily pregnant. That is just totally unacceptable, regardless of how obliged he feels to his mum.

my parents are divorced so i've always had the pulling in 2 directions. Our solution is xmas day is for OUR family, me dp and dd, then we see all parents brothers and sisters at some point over the hols, maybe xmas eve, boxing day and new year but xmas day is just for us and no-one can spoil it. I'm sure ils will ask to come round this year as they came round on dd bday but i will say no.
i think your dh should be more loyal to you than his mom and not go on holiday without you.

YANBU.

I would insist on my family having Christmas every other year and no to separate hols.

I did agree to him going away. He wouldn't have gone if I didn't. I just felt like it would be worth it not to have to deal with her sulking every time I saw her. I didn't realise I was setting a precedent!

It would be much easier just to say we are not visiting anyone and have christmas on our own (DH would love to as he thinks it would stop all arguments) but I don't see why I shouldn't see my very reasonable family (who by the way DH loves as well) and my DS shouldn't get to spend christmas with his cousins.

It probably is unreasonable to want to see my family and not his, but that's why we have to work out a solution that keeps them happy too.

I'm just a bit resentful as they never celebrated christmas together and weren't bothered until DH wanted to have christmas with my family, now they are acting like it's a really big deal.

Okay, so you agreed, fair enough. But it doesn't happen any more. There's no such thing as setting a precedent in this situation. He had a long hol last year, and that's it.

You are perfectly entitled to spend Christmas with your own family. Can people not come to you?

My nan was vile to my mum for the first 7-8 years of their marriage. In fact, bar the long hol, the situation is eerily similar (dad's dad left when he was 7, he was the MAN of the house, nan resented mum coming in, didn't want the marriage etc). It got so bad that dad had to tell her that unless she stopped making mum feel that way, she would never see him or us grandchildren again. Unsurprisingly she's been nice as pie to mum ever since (tho through gritted teeth I'm sure).

It's bloody hard when it comes to families, but your husband IS going to have to do something at some point. How dare they make you feel like this? I'd be ashamed if it was my mum, and I'd bloody tell her that.

Again, you have my sympathies xx

Thanks. It's good to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this.

I'm sure my husband would stand up to her if I asked him to, I just don't want to be the one to come between them. It would be another thing for her to resent me for, and I'm hoping that eventually I'll win her over

Thanks for the advice form everyone though. I really do feel better just for sharing, even if I am no wiser about what I'm actually going to do!

I would LOVE that. Unfortunately, we live a 5 hour drive from everyone else (they all live in the same town!) and we don't have space to put everyone up (one bed flat, our son already sleeps in our room!)
The issue is not that I want everyone to come to us, but I want to see them all. My family have invited his family countless times, but they don't want to come. When we suggested that my family join his instead MiL insists they don't have space for that many people (which is ridiculous, she actually has a massive house). I really feel like she just wants to make sure we only see her.

This sounds like an awful situation- one I am horribly familiar with-

I suggest that you tell your hubby that you would like to spend Christmas with your family- though when we did this my MIL refused to speak to her son on Christmas day as she 'was far too emotional'. it is emotional blackmail and I really think that he needs to say to her that he loves her very much... BUT... that her behaviour is upsetting him and that he needs to spend time with his family and hopes that she will want to be a part of that too rather than asking him to choose his wife or his mother- it is immature and unfair...Easier said than done- I know!!

Oh, I do know where you are coming from with relation to your DHs relationship with his mother. My DH is so close to his mother, that at times it becomes a bit silly the efforts he will go to for her. Fortunately for me, she would NEVER do anything to make me unhappy, and pulls him in line if she thinks I might get upset over something. (I have an excellent MIL!! )

Would it be possible for you to do a big family bash at your house, for both your families? Maybe not his father if his mother can't stand being with him.

If you want to win her over, maybe ask her to do something special (but easy) and tell her much you want her there. Could this work? Might not be as much for your family though if she's a misery for the day though.

No, we only have a small one bed flat. We'd struggle to get six people around the table, let alone our families (5 in his, 9 in mine!)

Had a little breakthrough recently though! I left a magazine open with an article on emotional incest (google it - it's really interesting!) and DH read it and told me he thinks that's what's happened with his mother! HE never would have admitted that a year or two ago.

I think he is coming to see it my way, more since I refuse to speak about her, and let her bitch about me all she wants. It only makes him feel more defensive of me.

I think it's going to be a long battle, but I kind of knew that when I married him, and decided it was worth the effort.

Thanks for all the advice though.