AIBU to be angry that DH kept DS (age 5) out past 9 on a school night?

[Kirk1]

Am I further being unreasonable to expect him to have the fucking brains to come home and put the child to bed when he's not well?

Sorry about the swearing, I don't normally do that but he's got the gall to then try and blame ME for his lack of thought.

OK, full story. DD, who is 8 had a school concert tonight (why they thought a school night was a good night for a concert... but that's another matter) I picked up both children from school fed them (MacD, I'm a bad mother sometimes) then dropped DS off with his father at his office (that's DH's office...) concert was from 7-8 with a half hour "refreshments" afterwards.

I came out with DD and tried to text DH that we were on our way home, but I was getting no signal so it failed. So I thought, oh well, it's nearly 9, they must be home by now. I hope DH has DS in bed. Get home, no car in the drive. He rolls home at about half nine and I can hear DS coughing from the end of the driveway.

Then he tries to blame ME for not coming past the office when my text wasn't working. When I said well it's past DS's bedtime it was 'well daddy had things to finish at work' (he can do the same work at home, he works by email)

ok, so now child is getting distressed with his cough so it took me a further half hour to calm him enough to get him in bed and now I'm so worked up I'm keeping out DH's way. So, who's unreasonable? Me or him?

You.

It won't kill him to have a late night now and again. Why didn't you just take him to the concert with you if DH was working late?

Woahh calm downn.
Its only one night.
Chillax

YABU. The odd late night will do him no harm.

yabu.one night.

I didn't take him to the concert with me because DH and I had a discussion and I said I didn't want DS out late tonight because he was hell to get up for school this morning and if I'd realised DH didn't have any intention of coming home before 8 I would have taken him.

DH could easily have come home and finished his work with DS happily already asleep in bed before 8.

It's not ONE late night. I've been called into school because DS is falling asleep in class. He needs to get to bed before 8 or he's late for school in the morning and too tired to work in the day.

I guess I'm more angry that DH tried to blame me for it.

YANBtotallyU. It is only one night but I would be annoyed too.

if its not just one late night is it your dh fault for the rest of the nights?

Not exactly. DH and I both work, and the children go to and after-school club till 5:15 (ish) By the time I've picked them up, found all their bags, searched the school for lost stuff etc. and finally arrived home it's usually past 6. They have homework, tea, then they're supposed to go to bed.

By this point I'm too tired to be tough on them about bedtime and DH shuts himself up in his room playing World of Warcraft and expecting me to do the getting the children to bed, tidying, clearing, getting all stuff ready for the next day and getting our tea. I'll be honest and say I don't do a very good job of any of this, but I do like to spend a little time NOT shouting at the kids.

DS normally crashes at about 8. That's his cut-off point. You can keep DD out all night and she'll be bouncy after you've dragged her out of bed the next day, but DS is dead-tired after 8, whatever, and if he's up past that he's horrible the next day. Like I said, the head has called us to express concern that the children are often late (DH is often still in bed when I leave with them in the morning) and DS is tired and grouchy. We were supposed to be trying to get them both into bed at a reasonable time and to school on time every morning. I just know tomorrow we'll be late again because DS will be a complete zombie. That's if he's well enough to go, since he was coughing fit to burst from when I picked him up from school. I'm cross for three things - I made it clear that the reason for not taking DS to the concert was so he could get to bed early, he was clearly unwell, and then DH tried to tell me it was my fault for not phoning or texting him.

It's a male thing - when they know they're in the wrong, it's never their fault. They then turn it around, so it's your fault. The best form of defence is attack!

Kirk1, as soon as I saw the words World of Warcraft, I was on your side.
What a nightmare that bloody game is. It causes so many rows in our house.

The game isn't so much the issue but your DH's attitude is... he's a parent too and should be halping with the bedtime routine.

YANBU - sounds like DH generally not pulling his weight and tonight was just another example of that

The truth is that your dh and you both need to get together and sort out a bedtime routine. Both work, neither should start relaxing in the evening before the other does (guilty looks towards kitchen where dh is still doing the washing-up)

Our routine works like this:

I usually cook supper (though not if I'm having pupils round)

between 8.15-8.30 it is dh's job to get them to do their teeth/get into pyjamas etc. Once this is done, his involvement is over so it's in his interest to get it done quickly

I then take over to read bedtime story, soothe children (dd has chronic pain and breathing problems) etc

In the meantime dh does washing up.

We usually finish at same time and then have a cup of tea to congratulate ourselves.

Team work, it's the only way.