Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not safe for my dad to do this any more?

27 replies

Wolverina · 04/11/2008 12:54

I live abroad and come back to the UK a few times a year to visit family. I am coming back next month for Christmas with my sons aged 6m and 6y. My parents always come to collect us from the airport, through their choice. They live about 2 hours from the airport and have to go along very busy motorway to get there.

My dad is 66 and has in the last year been diagnosed with Parkinsons. He is on medication but had to try a few as some made him feel quite ill. He is quite vague much of the time and his hand shakes uncontrollably. I heard from my sister yesterday that he'd said he found it hard to change gears as he couldn't control his hand.

Last time we went home my dad was feeling ill so we took a cab instead, which worked out really well, and I'd be happy to do that every time. However my mum has always made a big thing of how they love to come and get us, the 'magic moment' when we walk through the gate, etc, and would probably be hugely disappointed if she wasn't there to meet us. She told me yesterday that my dad is a lot better and they really want to come. I don't want to upset them or make my dad feel bad about not being as strong and able as he used to be, but AIBU to not want them to come and get us, and do you think with this condition my dad should even be driving at all?

OP posts:
lisad123 · 04/11/2008 12:56

i ca understand but your mum sounds sensiable enough to know if your dads well enough. Maybe say to your mum how worried you are.

LoveMyGirls · 04/11/2008 13:01

My grandad has parkinsons and has just turned 70 and is still driving 100 miles to see his family nearer to us so if your dad thinks he can manage then I wouldn't suggest stopping him, he may not be able to do it for much longer so let him do it if he wants to and feels able i think.

ninedragons · 04/11/2008 13:06

Can you suggest that they come on the airport bus/train to meet you, and then you all share a large taxi back to their place?

That way everyone gets their "magic moment" and no-one gets exposed to what does sound like very dangerous driving.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. A relation of mine had Parkinsons and there is no fucking way I would have let any of my family get in the car with him (he didn't drive after diagnosis).

FourArms · 04/11/2008 13:23

Could a local taxi firm (to your parents) pick you up, so they could come in the taxi too to meet you.

captainmummy · 04/11/2008 13:30

I don't know what the law is but i suspect that with Parkinsons he should not be driving.

Yes that 'magic moment' is great but sometimes you just cannot have it all. Yu will be there withthem for your holiday, that should be enough surely.

LazyLinePainterJane · 04/11/2008 13:33

My grandfather has Parkinsons and stopped driving some time ago. I don't really think with Parkinsons, unless he has just started the medication, that once severe shakes have begun, they go away enough for him to be driving.

LazyLinePainterJane · 04/11/2008 13:35

DVLA website says that they must be informed of the condition and that he could have a shorter licence once he has been medically assessed.

It is not up to your mother to make this assessment. How would she feel if there were an accident? Not so much a "magic moment", eh?

LazyLinePainterJane · 04/11/2008 13:36

Here is the link, Wolverina, it is on page 10.

Mitchell81 · 04/11/2008 13:48

My uncle has parkinsons he drove during the first few years, but he has now had to stop driving. It is a difficult situation as you don't want to put your family at any risk, but don't want to offend. How will you fit all 6 of you in the car, obviously unless they have a 7 seater?? Or is DH not going?
I think you need to talk to your mother and maybe explain that 4 hours driving is too much for him.

silverbirch · 04/11/2008 13:49

I don't know about your father's condition, but please say something if you think it is dangerous for him to drive. I worried about my father driving. He had told the DVLA and had a short term license that needed to be reviewed but I felt uncomfortable...he had convinced the his gp that he was safe to drive and both he and my mother believed it was ok...until he was taken ill at the wheel and they were both killed in the resulting accident.

Mitchell81 · 04/11/2008 13:56

Silverbirch: I am so sorry to hear about your parents, that is devastating news

Original poster
Wolverina · 04/11/2008 14:13

Thanks for replies. Mitchell81, my dh is not coming over until Xmas Eve so we would fit in a regular car this time. I guess most people are saying it's not safe and I think I agree - so stupid of me but I just don't want to upset my dad or make him feel inadequate..but keeping my boys safe is more important I think, especially as the trip home is such a small part of the holiday, and we're always jetlagged and don't really care much how we get home as long as it's easy, and the taxi would be lot quicker and smoother ride..

PS Silverbirch, that is terrible about your parents, I'm very sorry for your loss x

OP posts:
ninedragons · 04/11/2008 15:01

God, Silverbirch, what a horrifying thing.

Honestly, it's not fair on either your family or other road users to indulge his fantasy that he's ok to drive. I know it will be hard for him to hear, but you can't really escape telling him.

blackrock · 04/11/2008 15:10

I think a taxi, or a close friend or neighbour for the airport. But can you be put on their car insrance for the duration of the visit? Then you can ferry everyone about with peace of mind? Could your mum learn to drive? Discuss your concern with your mum and sister, and your worry about this.

thehairybabysmum · 04/11/2008 15:26

Could they (and you) not get the train...most airports have pretty good rail links and with senoir/ffamily railcards it neednt be too expensive.

What airport is it, where do they live??

thefortbuilder · 04/11/2008 20:10

o'h silverbirch how dreadful for you

my mother has recently been diagnosed with parkinsons and although it is very very mild and is not on medication yet she is self restricting her driving.

i agree if it makes you uncomfortable you need to say something - not even phrasing it for you but how devastated your dad would be if anything happened to the dgc's.

LuckymummyBigFatTummy · 04/11/2008 20:18

wolverina YANBU.

Just a thought, Have you ever actually tried to sit in a car with 2 kiddy seats in the back? My DDs (as you know ) are 2.5 yrs and 6 months. In the summer we tried to fit my DH, my Brother (in the front) and me squeezed in between 2 girls in the back. We have a Mondeo so not a small car, and it was so uncomfortable. The next day, we decided to transfer the girls seats to my brothers 4X4. Even bigger car, slighty more room but still very uncomfortable and I certainly would not want to travel more than about half hour tops in that way.

Could you talk to your Mum and explain that it will be too much of a squeeze, esp with all your luggage. Presumably this situation hasn't arisen since DS2 came along?

Personally, I would try and talk to your Mum about it. After the awful story from silver birch, I think you have to. It's a lot of people to put at risk.

OR Could you get your parents to insure you on their car and you could do the driving? Not ideal after a flight form Singapore I know, but at least you could relax???

exasperatedmummy · 04/11/2008 20:56

oh silver birch, how absolutely awful for you - i am SO sorry xxx

OP, is it financially viable for you to stump up for a taxi? or even more, say a stay in a hotel near the airport? You could just say to your mum that you want the magic moment to be really magic and want it to be worry free for everyone, including them. Make it into a bit of event for them. Of course i appreciate that this might be expensive and difficult to arrange. The hotel stay could be just for the two of them, the night before say - rekindle some of THEIR old magic. Sorry to hear about your dad, it is very difficult to let go of the driving. My Dad had alzheimers, he had to stop driving but couldnt bring himself to sell his car, we "helped" with that and took the car ourselves , which helped us out of a spot too. It was awful for him though to not be able to drive around.

Im sure you will sort this out

tittybangbang · 04/11/2008 21:10

Silverbirch - so sorry you've lost your parents in this way.

My dad is 79 and insists on driving, even though his perception of distance has been affected by the TIA he had a couple of years ago and by his poor eyesight. He refuses to wear the glasses the optician has told him he needs. I'm terrified of him driving on the motorway with my mum in the car, but don't know what to say to make him reconsider. I can't see him EVER giving up driving voluntarily......

LittleWhizzingBella · 04/11/2008 21:12

Bear in mind that his insurance is invalid.

LittleWhizzingBella · 04/11/2008 21:13

God just seen your post Silverbirch, so sorry.

nestingswizzlesticks · 04/11/2008 21:19

tittybangbang - if you're afraid for your mum, be as afraid for the other motorway users. One quick way of getting your father to comply could be for you to tell him that you will report him for driving unsafely in the same way that you might report someone driving while drunk, perhaps. If it's so bad that it makes you feel terrified for your mum, then you have to stop him somehow.

My father also has Parkinson's, drove for the first few years when medication made the early symptoms well controlled (and it was just shaking), then had to stop due to effects on eyesight as well as muscles. OP - it is very hard for someone to give up something that makes them independent and useful to their family, so be sympathetic, but don't drive with your father if you don't feel it's safe.

captainmummy · 04/11/2008 21:27

Tittybangbang - you should get your dads GP to withhold his licence. He should have informed DVLC of his 'disability' and he should not be driving. Silverbirch's story is horrendous

OP - the magic moment is surely still as magic whether your mum is seeing you for the first time outside her house? Or at the station or whatever? I really doesn't need to be at the airport. (I live near Gatwick and I think airports are the most soul-less, life-draining places on earth.)

notsoseriousanymore · 04/11/2008 21:28

Wolverina... YANBU... Absolutely not.

I agree with Ninedragons - can you not get a taxi to come and bring them to the airport to meet you? It's SOOO hard to begin to contemplate that our parents aren't as rock steady as they used to be, but you must put the safety of your LOs first.

Or could you arrange to take a train to a nearby station and have them meet you there (so they still get the moment etc)

Nestingswizzlesticks sumes it up - it IS hard to accept you are no longer as independant as you were and would like to be, but safety must come first.

tittybangbang · 04/11/2008 22:06

My dad's gp has cleared him for driving..... but I've been in the car with him as has my brother and we're both concerned about his perception of distances, plus the fact that he doesn't wear his glasses.

I don't know what to say or do. my mum backs him up in everything he does. I've said to him that he needs to wear his glasses and that his insurance won't cover him if he's not wearing them. He says he will wear them but I know he doesn't. He says he sees better without them. I do think of other road users - all the time.... not just my mum. But if his doctor has cleared him to drive then what?