To tell my mum a bit of a lie...

[girlylala0807]

Hi all,

Honesty would be appreciated here.

Im due to give birth in the spring, very nervous about whole thing but support on other threads helping.

Now, I want my husband to be there when it happens, however, he does not really want to be there. He panics when im in pain and im afraid he may be no help to me.A good friend who i trust and feel happy with has offered to be there to. Poblem solved. But....

My mum wants to be there though, but i just cant stand the thought of that.We dont have that kind of relationship. She will be upset if she finds out about my friend so we have decided to keep it quiet and say she had to happened to come into it all by accident.

AIBU or do we just tell her.

xx

Why do you have to tell her anything?
Just get DH to phone her when the baby arrives. I can't see any need to tell her who was there at the time.

I agree with AbbeyA.
Although my exdp wasn't with me for either of my babies for similar reasons and my mum lived 200 miles away and I NEVER thought we had that type of relationship either. Due to her distance aways I never thought whe would make it in time anyway so I called her when in established labour with my 1st and her and my dad made it to hospital with 40 minutes to spare and she literally held my hand as I brought my own baby into the world and it did change our relationship to the point that 2nd time around she was the one I opted for to be there.

I probably wouldn't tell her either. What's the point of hurting her?

But if you really dont get on with her, could your baby not be the bridge to bring you closer together ifswim. I also had the sort of relationship with my mum where we got on fine as long as we didnt see loads of each other but since I had my kids, we have become a lot, lot closer.

My DP was the same as yours - hates blood, hates hospitals. He said he'd come in with me if I really wanted him to but I said he could stay at home if he wanted and my mum came in with me both times. She was really, really good - didnt stay all the time - but was there to bring me water etc.

I wouldn't tell her 'til your db had arrived. Then say - it all happened so quick. Or that you didn't want her to hang around for all the long time you were in labour (not fair .... ) and then it all happened so quick.
Your dh may change his mind anyway. But otherwise go with you friend. It may help to line up a couple of ideas and then once things get moving you'll know who you want.

Perhaps she feels she has to offer as she doesn't want you to be by yourself - if she knew you had a friend with you she might be relieved.

Thats a good point cupsoftea

It's true your DH may change his mind. Mine never considered staying away, but I did wonder if he'd stay the course as he's very squeamish.

In the end he lasted 24 hours of labour, held the sick bowl for me and held my hand while I was given an epidural and later while DD was delivered by emergency caesarean. He said afterwards he physically couldn't have brought himself to leave even if he'd wanted to, and it bought us a lot closer, especially immediately afterwards.

That said I can sympathise with how you feel about your mum. I love mine to bits but she is more than a bit neurotic about anything medical.

I would just say nothing. DH might change his mind, and with a bit of luck she'll be so besotted with her new grandchild she won't care if was George Clooney at your bedside.

My mum dropped loads of hints before I had DD (my 3rd child) but one day she just came out and asked me if she could be there. I was so shocked that i just blurted out "Er, NO!" and explained that when I'm in labour I'm a complete cow and the fewer people around me the better. TBH she would've just annoyed me. If I were you I'd tell a white lie and just say it all happened so quickly there wasn't time.

YANBU

Tell her your due date is two weeks after it is. Agree tis best to do the 'quick, friend to hand' thing.

You'll want to tell her all about the birth - not a lie about a really important thing to happen (imho) to you & her as a grandmother. Just explain how you feel and see how she reacts.

I'll be havin the same conversation with my mum but I'll be telling her the truth

we just dont have that kind of relationship
If I was ill when I was little her attitude was either you were too ill do do/need anything other than bed or you were fine. It was my dad who would bring me soup and rub my head and make me feel better. Even now, if I have a headache or am tired or ill she takes it personally - she needs to be constantly spoken to / entertained and ends up starting an argument with me if I am quiet at all for any reason as I'm obviously in a mood with her (for the record I am not a grumpy patient and do not have this prob with anyone else)

She seems to think that although she never properly bonded with me or built a good working relationship with me that she will somehow be round here all the time to spend time with her grandkids. She even went so far as to say that "the grandmother is the 3rd parent".

I'll be telling her straight about her not being at the birth cause if I lie about that I'll have to lie about why she cant move in to "help"* when the baby's born and why she cant start calling round every week

*I know we'll need a lot of help when the baby's born, but I KNOW that she would be more of a hindrance and an aggravation than a help

Imagine how you'd feel if role was reversed and you found out. I'm not saying you should tell her but make sure she doesn't find out. It would be very hurtful.