To Tell my DH to "Get back with the programme"....

[Bathsheba]

After a very had 3.5 years when my DH has been very ill with mental health problems, being "Team Family" is very important to me at the moment.

However, Dh went out at 12 noon on Saturday to go to the football and to go out with his mates (they felt the need to do a restaging of friend's stag night which was a year and 10 days ago) - got in at 4am. (So I had 2 DDs from 12 myself..DDs are 4 and 2)

Then came yesterday...

• No sign of Dh surfacing by 10:30 meaning I have to take DD2 to church as well as DD1 (I normally take DD1 but not DD2 as DD2 doesn't settle in the creche at all so I need to go through to the creche with her meaning I miss almost all the service kind of defeating going in the first place.)

• When we get home at 1:30 he is lying on the sofa eating...no lunch made for the girls which he normally has done when we get in from church...

• No suggestions as to what we are going to do with the rest of the day other than "sleeping" and "watching the grand prix" - so they all get dragged out on a family trip to Tesco.

• I left to go to church again (don't normally go in the evening but I had missed the entire morning service as I was in the creche with DD2) at 6 saying to give the girls ravioli and toast for dinner (they had afternoon snack at Tesco so 6 wasn't too late - thats our normal dinner time) and put them to bed.

• I come back at 8:30 to find the floor around the table covered in breakfast cereal (so they had cereal for dinner rather than ravioli and toast) and all the toys, books etc still all opver the floor while DH lies on the sofa with his laptop

• Middle of the night DD1 comes through to our room - there is no loo roll in the main bathroom - last person in the main bathroom doing a huge dump at 11pm was, yes, you guessed it, DH. So I have to get up at 4am and get loo roll for DD1 (when challenged he denies he used the alst of it)

• This morning I go into DD2's room to find

a - the dress I had asked him to hang up to dry yesterday afternoon lying in a ball on the desk

b - last night's nappy and this morning's nappy lying discarded on the sofa - no nappy bag, nothing, just lying there open on the sofa

Apparently they "wanted" breakfast cereal for their dinner last night.

I have NO PROBLEM with DH going out because its a fairly rare occurence (although the last time was about 5 weeks ago and upset me hugely then as well) - what I do have a problem with is having to write off the entire weekend to drunkenness and hangovers. When he is hungover he behaves like he is still drunk - forgetting to do anything, being completely unable to follow instructions, wandering around in a vague dream.... I'm a FT SAHM and other than church last night I've not had a moment to myself this weekend and a new week starts today.

He goes through phases of having no thought for anyone other than himself - especially me, and seems to think that all I want to do in life is clear up behind him (leaves mess everywhere, dishes everywhere, sh*t all over the loo) because I'll clean it up for him...

This morning, whilst denying he had used the last of the loo roll, I told him to pull himself together and get back with the programme and start being part of the team again. He wasn't happy. Was I unreasonable?

YANBU

Bathsheba, I really feel for you. I was just reading my old therapy notes this morning( I used to suffer from depression) and realise that I'm out of that, so much happier and healthier now. I have taken everything for granted for a while and will give a little pray now to god, mother nature and my dad in heaven for what I have now.
Now you've told him to get back with the programme, what do you think he'll do next? How will he be feeling? Will he be keen to come back through the door or pop down the pub before he comes home? I'm only asking to help, not cause more grief.

I think that to an extent YANBU, but if he has mental health problems then you need to maybe just let it go and chill out next weekend together.

I am not excusing him, to an extent mental health problems are not an excuse to behave like he has, but you do have to make alowences.

TBH, I would have left the DC with him when you went to tesco.

Also the fact that he doesn't go out often woul also sway me to not be too hard on him.

But I do feel your pain, I too am a SAHM and live for Saturdays when DH gets up with DD and I have a lay in and the DH does the tidying and most things that DD needs. I still do all the cooking as I love cooking and it is my way to relax.

Hope things are better soon.

Generally, men don't like to 'follow instructions', even if they need to be given them.
Agree with Hedgewitch, if he goes out on the p*ss, the following day is a right-off.
Also, if he's suffered with anything like depression, he needs to know that his happiness is important to you.
It is crappy being a sahm if you never get a breather, but being your own boss makes up for it, and although DH may get to have a peaceful coffee break at work, their time is not their own.
But of course yanbu to be irritated. And the nappy thing is minging!

xx

However hungover and crap he was feeling, leaving TWO used nappies on the sofa is just rubbish.

Bathsheba - YANBU, but let it go now - you have told him how you feel so let tht be an end to it.

I wouldn't have left him with a list of instructions, but what would have angered me is him not being involved with the family during the day - that was out of order and having mental health problems does not excuse his behaviour at all. I have mental health problems but i don't expect to just be able to lie on the sofa hung over all day to mope over a hang over.

I don't think you should turn this into an issue, unless of course he goes for a repeat performance anytime soon - then i would say "no way pal, not after last time". I feel very strongly that weekend time should be family time not individual hobby time. different if it takes a couple of hours etc, but not the whole weekend.

YANBU to be irritated

But it sounds like this isn't normal for him...

He probably felt dreadful all day. I wouldn't want to go to Tesco with a hangover. Giving dc cereal once for dinner is not something I would worry about.

He probably is still drunk. If he is drinking very heavily, he probably is still drunk the next day.

in my reality (is it alternate? i just can't comprehend the idea he should be cut slack!) i can't understand anyone giving quarter to a hungover husband the day after. he's had his fun, he must pay and that means getting up like a decent human being and contributing to the family. he souldn't be happy about being told to get with it, he may well feel guilty and defensive. he should be willing to work out fair plans ofr free time, work time, family time with you.

Hungovers in my opinion are self-inflicted. You know that if you are going to drink x amount of alcohol then you are going to feel hungover the next day.
You also know that you have children to look after the next day, so you have a choice to make look after the children hungover or look after the children feeling tired because you were out last night but drank sensibly and in the knowledge of your next day responsibilities. You could also go get hammered but arrange to have a babysitter look after the children the next day.
It does not sound as if this is his first night out with his pals so he really should know how much he would be able to drink in order to remain a parent "in control".

He knew that you wanted to go to church, and would have to take care of your youngest, as again, presumably this is not the first time you go to church but something that happens every Sunday.

Nothing wrong with them having cereal for dinner, mine does that as well from time to time. Something wrong with him not tidying up after it.

Something seriously wrong, hangover or no hangover, with not throwing dirty nappies in the bin.