to wonder what the motives are for the other grandparents?

[TinkerBellesMum]

I'm a great believer in family, I come from a very close family and want to continue that with my own family. We didn't have much in the way of extended family as there was a big bust up in Mum's family that left her with only an aunt from each side as an ally; and my dad's family never really liked Mum. Mum always made sure that we had a relationship with our extended family, I even emigrated to Canada aged 9 on my own to be with my grandparents for awhile after Mum had a hysterectomy, I spent most of the other summers with one of my dad's siblings for a week or so. I feel Mum has been a really positive influence in my life from that.

Moving on to the present

TBD's family aren't as close as ours - they'll go ages without talking to each other and they're often mean about each other. His youngest sister is bit of a princess and doesn't like me, I've no idea why she says I've said or done things that aren't true - for example handing Tink to her niece when I walked into a room with "Quick [TBM] won't be happy if she sees me holding her" and when Tink was born she said she didn't think she was allowed to the hospital. I'm fairly shy with new people (I still see her as new after 4 years because she won't allow me to get to know her) and I'm not at all malicious, I'm far too lazy! So I'm not sure where any of it has come from. But, following Mum's example, I've always said she is welcome to have Tink for a weekend (she's a childminder so I know she's got a lot of things for her to play with, she lives on a farm so lots of space and I trust her anyway).

His parents (mum and step-dad) are lovely but they don't go out of their way to have much to do with us. His step-dad loves Tink as his own and she doesn't know any different (first of his step-GC to not know the natural GF, we think that's why he's so close to her). I've always said to them that they're welcome to have her anytime, I've told them when the CM is on holiday in case they want to have her, but they rarely take up the offer unless I actually ask them to babysit.

Recently my back has been giving me a lot of problems and I'm now on crutches, I live on the top floor of a lowriser and can just about manage to get myself in and out. Tink's asthma isn't taking too well to the weather so she's not as mobile now as she tires out very quickly. Added in that the baby has been threatening to come since 24 weeks so my parents have taken Tink in as I'm really in no state to look after her and in an emergency we'd have to find someone to have her which wouldn't be easy. Since she's been at my parents her other grandparents are suddenly very interested. They call my parents all the time and have her at least one night a week.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they're being interested but I can't help but wonder what the motive is. I don't really trust any of his family (a few exceptions) to do anything without there being a motive.

I think the truth may be that (this is blunt so sorry) people see it as a favour to you if they look after your child rather than the other way round. So if you offered your SIL to look after your daughter for a weekend as she is a childminder (thinking that she'd like to have her), she'd be thinking you'd be asking a massive favour espec as she is a childminder and probably worn out by children the whole time.

The grandparents probably feel they don't mind helping out the other grandparents so much as they are old(er) and need the break whereas you are young and have chosen to have children therefore she is your responsibility.

I know it sounds harsh but I know this because I have no help whatsoever from my family (apart from my parents) and I am a single parent (or from my ex who has never seen our son). But the truth is, if I wanted help I'd have to grovel and even then wouldn't get any! so I don't ask.

As to why your SIL made the comment about the hospital and holding the baby...it must be because she has picked up vibes that you don't like her

Maybe your DH/DP has said something to them about you not being able to look after Tink due to your health problems so they're rallying round to help you/your parents. It's easy to be paranoid but from what you've said, I really wouldn't think there is anything untoward in their offering to help.

Im sorry but what does TBD mean?

TinkerBelle's Dad.

Ah now I understand

I think there are lots of familys like TBD family. They are there when you need them but not all the time.

Have you done or said anything to SIL that might make her think that you dont like/trust her? Is she like this with other people or is it just you inparticular?

It does sound like they are rallying round to help out with your current situation which is a good thing. Maybe it will help you all to grow closer and in the future they may offer to spend more time with your little one rather than waiting for you to ask.

I don't know or care why his sister says the things she does, it's just her she'd do it to anyone, I think maybe loyalty to her ex-SIL. I don't dislike her and always made an effort towards her, which isn't easy as I'm shy and she doesn't want it. When we first got together I made him see her. I've never asked people to have her in a favour way because I don't need those favours, I've only ever said "If you want to have her at anytime, you only have to say, I know she'd love to spend time with you". The aunt has her own children so I've always said it would be good for her to spend time with her cousins, being a CM doesn't come into it. His two sisters are always swapping kids, I don't offer the other one as she lives quite a distance and is quite poorly at the moment.

I know TBD won't have said anything, they ring Mum to ask if I'm still pregnant! They didn't even know when we were sent home from Liverpool. I don't think it's them being nasty and I'm really pleased they are spending so much time with her, but I know his family and no one does anything for anyone for no reason.

BTW my parents are the same age as TBD, well not much older and his parents are also an age gap relationship so his step-dad isn't much older than him. They're all still working, childcare isn't an issue because Sure Start cover the CM. They're having her just because they can, which is great, what I've always wanted!

I've never really had a conversation with his sister, not for want of trying though! I've always made an effort towards her. My own personal feeling is that I've knocked her status a little. She came a lot later than the others so has always been the baby of the family. I'm 15 years younger than TBD and only a few years younger than his sister, we're either side of 30.

Plus she is good friends with his ex and makes a show of ignoring me or being rude to me in front of her (fortunately now she has a new partner she's realised she's not part of the family anymore and doesn't try to be like she used to) so I think there is some loyalty there.

She is like this to everyone, I've seen her mum upset by her behaviour, I think it comes back to being baby/ princess of the family. Her nan is the same too and she was always close to her grandad so probably picked up nan's ways. Nan surprised me recently because she made a comment on her behaviour towards me. We hadn't been at a meal and she must have said something pretty nasty for it to come back via Nan as she doesn't tend to notice her as they're so alike. She wouldn't repeat what she said just "Well, [SIL]'s [SIL]".

Seems a bit clearer with SIL now you explained a little of the history. If she is friends with your DP's ex then that probably explains why she is so off with you. She sounds like a bit of a cow TBH!

I don't think her brother is so polite

The ex lives in London (we're in Birmingham) and used to stay at her house when she brought their sons up here. She's still called "aunty" by SIL's children even though it's been over 6 years since they separated and they're 10 & 7. They used to see her once a year now it's less. Since the new partner came along XW stays in a hotel when she brings them but she that doesn't happen very often (she barely lets him take them out in London, let alone bring them here). The really sad thing is everyone says how much better I am for him, she's not a nice person and very controlling. But I think they're two princesses together taking it in turns to control TBD.

I sound bitchy today I don't mean to be but it's not easy to avoid when explaining the situation.

I think jnmum has hit the nail on the head - people generally see childcare as a favour to you rather than the other way around, though doting parents often don't seem to understand that. Given the circumstances, your in laws probably feel a duty to help out.

Impossible to comment on the SIL relationship, since this could have something to do with TBD's split from his ex, or a misunderstanding, or simply a personality clash or whatever....

I'm not bothered about his sister, it's just family background really.

I've come from a family that is very close and puts a lot of emphasis on family. I've never had someone have Tink as childcare apart from a few rare occasions where I've been on a course or had to go to a meeting or appointment. I have a CM for childcare and from my POV it's socialising her more than childcare, well it was until I needed to spend half my life at the hospital! I can't get my head around people not wanting to spend time with their family or families holding grudges because that's so alien to me. Tink is a lovely child (that's not just a mother's perspective, even my CM says she's never had one like her and calls her her gem) and I know her grandparents love taking her out, they're welcome to have her whenever they want but they only seem to want to do it when it's keeping up with my parents.