i am, but so are they, i think...! (likely to be long & make no sense!)

[blondiep14]

Please calm me down, i am blowing things out of proportion, that i know, but I am so mad i could cry!
Background; dp's family live around the corner, m ine all live miles away, my parents abroad.
dp's family all very close, see each other at least 3 times a week, speak every day on the phone etc. Fine for them but I find it a little suffocating, dp is understanding of this.
DS now 9m old, when i was pregnant SIL & MIL 'volunteered' to look after DS when I went back to work (3 days a week) although them not looking after DS was never really viable. I am now back at work & already i feel like screaming.
DS is bf and had never had formula so i feed him before i go to work at 6am, then when i get home at 7ish, and when i go to bed at 10ish. I have asked MIL to offer him formula at 4-5ish. She did so 3 times but then decided as he didn't like it she wasn't going to bother this week. she didn't ask me about this, she just told me that she hadn't bothered .
I just spoke to SIL & it came up in convo so i said well i will be asking MIL to keep offering it because it's early days & i think we shld be consistent. SIL laughed & said 'well yes but being a mother of 3 i can see why she didn't give it to him' . i said well it isn't her decision to make. to which she says oh yes, well, i'm keeping out of it. clearly they've discussed it as they do everything and i know it's probably not a big deal but i feel undermined, ganged up on and belittled.
MIL also does things like sit in the back with DS when they are in the car (when FIL is driving, obviously ) 'becaue he doesn't like being by himself' which irks me hugely as i feel its just ridiculous, he's perfectly happy sitting in the car for 2 hours in the back by himself, let alone the 20min journeys he does with her. she knows i have never sat in the back with him so is fostering a habit we didn't start or mean to continue.
She did say she wouldnt if i didn't want her to but it's said in such a way that she makes it clear she thinks i'm being a bitch for mentioning it at all.
She spent all day Tuesday carting him around to friends and relatives and they both went shopping with him all day (9-5) Thursday so i end up with a grumpy boy when I get home!

I KNOW i should be grateful he's being looked after by people who love him, and I am. And i also know i'm being hormonal & silly but i need to rant!!
I feel like my every move and decision is discussed by MIL & SIL and they just do what they want anyway and think i'm just good for feeding him grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
thanks if you got this far!!

the formula would bother me, so YANBU there. but h is still having breastfeeds from you, and as long as he is getting some fluids (are they giving him water during the day?) i wouldnt worry excessively.

however, lighten up on whether or not she wants to sit in the back of the car with ds (assuming he is in his car seat and not sitting on her lap in the back)

YABU - if they are looking after him then you have to accept you don't get the same say as you do with paid help. Relatives just don't work that way! Why shuoldn't they plan their day as they want? Why should n't your mil sit next to her grandson? And why should she spend time trying to get a bfed baby to take formula he doesn't want? If you want hime to have milk then you should express and see if will take that better. Other than that I wuld just grit my teeth and be grateful to save the money. Three days nursery costs me £102 btw.

The only way to dictate the childcare is to pay someone. If you are going to let his granny care for him, you have to accept that she will do it her way. You aren't paying her and she has no obligation to do what you want.

you are being ridiculous about where she chooses to sit in her own car though.

Have I misunderstood? Is he exclusively breastfed? Because, if he is, it's an awfully long time to go between feeds from 6am to 7pm. If he's on solids too, what other fluids is he having? Again, no fluids for over 12 hours is not really acceptable.

Sitting in the back of the car isn't such a problem really. OK you don't do it, but your ds isn't going to expect you to do it too just because gran does. I think it's really sweet that she wants to keep him company.

I think she should have discussed the ff with you, before she stopped giving it.

The rest wouldn't bother me unduly.

My mum looked after mine initially when I returned to work, and she was paid, but I pretty much left her to her own devices.

I understand the suffocating feeling you have but I am ssssssssoooooooo envious that you have free childcare for your ds ,he is obviously loved by them and you can go back to work.

You are very very lucky.

I don't think that yabu about the formula feeding either, he's your child and whether she agrees with you or not is totally irrelevent. I would certainly make myself clear to her with that but I wouldn't stress over the other things especially the car as it just sounds as if she really enjoys being with him. I can totally understand where you are coming from though because my mil and sil are the same - well they used to be until I had a huge bust-up with them and now they wouldn't dare . My dd was poorly a couple of weeks ago whilst sil was abroad on holiday and dh mentioned to his mum that dd wasn't well and by the end of that day we had sil calling from Cyprus to see how she was feeling!!! They tell each other whenever they've seen us, what we said, what we're up to etc. I just stand my ground these days, which is what I think you have to do otherwise they will completely take over.

Its actually quite terrible that a 9 month old is not getting any milk between 6am and 7pm! Do you not express milk for him? Shouldnt milk still be a huge part of his diet right now?

Pay for childcare if his Granny is going to deprive him of nessacery milk!

I thinking you are making something out of nothing tbh.

Do you feed him formula on the days when you are not working? Did you try to mix feed him before you went back to work? Mine both had a hell of a time switching between breastfeeding and mixed feeding.

My MIL looked after ds for one day a week from 9 months to 4 years, I can assure you that your ds will soon work out that although Granny does things her way (ie. sits in back of the car) Mummy and Daddy do things differently. I don't think it's a bad thing for children to learn that different people have different ways of doing things and different priorities..but as a mother, yes, it can be annoying to watch (and to pick up over-stimulated tired child at the end of the day so all you get is grumps and bedtime)..having said that, I picked up the children from their nursery days in much the same state

her sitting in the back with him - not an issue

not giving him milk all day is an issue, if that is the case

perhaps if he won't take a bottle then send him with a cup

and TBH, your MIL is doing you a massive favour and saving you a fortune so some things are worth buttoning your lip about

Are you having guilt ishoooos with being back at work and transferring it onto them maybe? I say this as a P/T working mum myself so not being judgy - just talking from my own experience. I use a mixture of nursery and my parents as my childcare solution and have to accept that when my parents are 'on duty' what they say goes. Obviously harder with the in-law dynamic. You have to put it in perspective - more control with paid childcare OR loving family as childcare but more of an emotional minefield for you. So YABU but I do understand where you are coming from.

oh, and i agree with Milarkie about the over tiredness

I don't agree that, if gran is to look after child, you have to accept her way of doing things. I think it's perfectly acceptable to set out ground rules and for gran to follow them according to mum's wishes. If gran refuses, mum has two options: to accept gran's way of doing things or to find alternative childcare.

he has the milk offered from a cup as he's never had a bottle. (just bought a doidy cup to try)
He has refused expressed milk too but i've only been back 2 weeks so still early days i feel. (part of the reason i am insisting he should be offered the milk every day)
i do totally accept i am being unreasonable to a degree, ie. it's free & very loving childcare, and i AM very grateful for this but i do feel if ask them to do something like offer him milk then they should do it!!!
totally accept the car seat thing is me being silly which is why i haven't said anything to her about it but not giving milk??
I suppose a lot of my hang-ups are due to feeling suffocated and/or ovre-ruled / talked about (totally know what you mean HelsBels!!)

YABU.

You have free childcare and grandparents who are interested in their grandson you lucky thing.