DH had a minor operation today and I feel so guilty....

[makeminealargeoneplease]

DH has had an operation today to remove a varicose vein in his leg, apparently it was much more involved than he thought and involved 5 people in the theatre cutting away at his leg . Anyway, he went in at 1.00pm, he thought it would be over in an hour and I'd pick him up at 2 or 3pm. He's been checked over and in theatre and checked over again until 6pm . When I said goodbye I wished him luck and cuddled him,said it will be ok, he was very reluctant and was very cold like I'd not given him enough attention in the run up to it what should I have done? I feel like I should have done something but I didn't....felt very guilty that I hadn't done 'more'??? Go to pick him up at 6pm and when I get there I have a ferking flat tyre....he is not impressed at all and just wants to go home but we have 90min wait for RAC man to come and sort it out, kids (DD-3 and DS -20months) are demolishing his room, making lots of noise, poking him in his hurty bandaged up leg, that kind of thing and I am apparently not doing enough to keep them under control...I end up feeling like I am just a shit, uncaring, wife. I never seem to do the right thing in these situations, whatever I do is not enough, I greeted him with his favourite chocolate, and Mr Kiplings French Fancies, which are his favourite ....but didn't seem to be that touched by it. RAC man came and repaired the tyre, I drived us home (and of course I instructed on how to drive on the way home, and telling me what lane to get into and grabbing the wheel etc etc. Thank god he was there, or we might all of died!!!!! [hmmm]) I've completely messed up this one by the looks of things but just tell me...what the FERK is a wife to do in these situations, I feel so guilty!!!, Just taken him up some homemade sausage casserole, and french fancies laid out all nicely, like they do in hospital, on a bed tray....he seemed impressed..."mmmm, ahh thats nice" he said. Blokes could never cope with childbirth could they, or am I being too sceptial??

nah, i'm more sympathetic.

i knew taht tooth was bad, though, because he was actually waking up in the early morning hours - and he sleeps like the dead - to gobble nurofen express.

FINALLY went to the GP (DH thought it was his ear!) who sent him straight to the dentist.

now i've had 6 teeth extracted, three wisdom and 3 molars, and most of those has absessed, so i know it's painful.

but he took it like a champ!

he inspires me.

that's why i love it when he's there during the childbirths - he makes me feel strong and helps me hang tough.

dd1's like him, she's has a REALLY high pain threshhold and doesn't whinge or complain.

it is apparently quite common to get ear and mouth pain mixed up expat. DS complained about earache and turned out to have tonsilitis.

i had no idea, bozza.

he kept gobbling that nurofen express.

that stuff isn't cheap, so i nagged him to get his erse to the GP after about a week of that.

by then he was in a bad way, but they couldn't get the tooth out till he'd cleared the absess.

he tropped into work all the same.

he's my hardcore Scotsman .

Yes DH was the same with his - the dentist sent him away, told him to eat a couple of marsbars and come back later in the day. Of course, DH didn't register with a dentist until the emergency came up. And this was back when registering with a dentist was actually feasible rather than the farce it is now.

oh please, he is just being a baby! dp had his fingernail PULLED of during an operation to repair the nail bed and he was just the same for all of 10 mins because i set him straight, i let him know it can possibly be as bad as childbirth/emcs where you feel like your guts are about to spill out if you move, and your entire body hurts just sitting up, he soon got the idea.and my freind casually mentioned the three episiotomys she had during the birth of her kids!! that shut him up.

Expat I find it difficult to understand why you felt it upon yourself to refer to my DH as a 'man' rather than man. How sad for you that you value a man by their toughness and ability to stand pain. (by the way I consider my DH very brave, to have had surgeons make a number of incisions in to his leg and to physically pull out live veins in order to chop them out, while he was still awake, you make it sound like your DH would have revelled or even enjoyed going thorough this!!).
You sound very proud of your DH, good for you. Each to their own but I however have never gone for the 'tattoed hard man' type, instead preferring a more distinguished gentleman. I too am very proud of my DH, he is classy,sexy,gorgeous looking with a body to die for, he is amazingly intelligent, successful,sensitive, quick witted and very funny,a great husband and fantastic dad. So really the fact that he was maybe a little over sensitive and considered that he warranted some extra attention from me at this time in his life surely makes him no less of a man. And I object to you judging him in this way. That wasn't my question in my OP, I was asking if I should be feeling guilty or not whether I should I have done more for him, not for you to cast aspersions on a man I love very much. I did make an age old flippant remark about men going through childbirth and could they cope, but I would have thought it obvious that this was not the crux of the matter and it was just that, flippant. I'm sure everyone is guilty of wanting some attention and fuss from their loved one at times like these.

Eh up girls, it's kicking off!!!

You can't post on AIBU and say that your DH is being a big girly wuss and not have people agree with you OP. I don't think expat was having a dig, really i don't.

When i had my tattoos done, the guy said to me that it is mostly the men who wimp out or faint. Women can endure more persistent pain than men, wheras men can tolerate a punch on the nose - i'm not sure what difference that makes really.

Both of your OHs sound divine to me, perhaps i could borrow them both for a bit of contrast

I had my contraceptive implant removed and the aneasthetic wore off because it had migrated up my arm - they asked me if i wanted more local, but it would take time to work, i said "nah, just whip the fecker out" The nurse went pale - i'm well 'ard i am .

Its nice that you want your DP there expat - um, have you had your baby yet?

But I didn't say he was a wuss...did I? I wouldn't say that about him. Because he is far from that, he's done really brave stuff in his time, he has risked his own safety to help others in danger, although he never talks about it because he wouldn't brag, but the person who was in danger constantly tells me he owes his life to him. I know he wouldn't hesitate to do the same again. Its not all about pain threshold and 'my tat is bigger than your tat' - bravery is a different thing altogether. I merely said that my DH was a typical guy when it comes to being ill...they like to be pampered and fussed - its a normal guy thing - all the blokes I know are EXACTLY the same. I was also just saying that I felt guilty for not having done enough, but was asking if I was right to feel guilty. I hope Expat wasn't having a dig. I just felt like I had to stick up for DH.

LOL and so you should He might well be brave, but you lady, are scary

chillax, george.

you write an OP that paints your DH as a complete jerk, and then 'stick up for him' and write diatribes about him.

if you want to put up with someone who - according to what YOU write- acts like a stroppy teenager over something relatively minor, that's your lookout.

i'm some stranger online. it's your life.

what is this, a playground?

seriously, get a grip.

exasperated, DH will have to stay home with the girls when this one is finally born, but he'll be with me in spirit .

MMALO:
I think few people are able to behave reasonably when in pain and he almost certainly is in a lot of pain - and not enjoying feeling helpless, either. He IS being unreasonable, you DON'T need to feel guilty, but don't take it personally that he hasn't showered you with thanks for all your thoughtful attention. Hopefully things will improve with his leg, and if there is an ongoing communication problem you can talk to each other wihout competitive martyrdom over pain thresholds, guilt or resentment!

My DH has never let me forget that when he had an operation (minor) about SIX years ago (!) in a private fancy hospital (well, fairly fancy) that I "only visited for 3 hours and then left me". It was an hour and a half drive away FGS!!

We were girlfriend/boyfriend at the time and without any ties but I left at 9pm to get home. Leaving him to his glass of wine (yes really they served wine, free of charge!!) and football on TV. He was home the next day for goodness sake.

Exasperated....am I really that scary? Oops! , that's nothing - you should see me when I get angry...its my Italian blood! Fiery temper!

"if you want to put up with someone who - according to what YOU write- acts like a stroppy teenager over something relatively minor, that's your lookout"

Expat, are you serious? I shouldn't put up with this, do you mean I should divorce him over this, leave him for this? I'm not trying to be argumentative here, I am honestly interested if you believe I should leave him over this, I just think that's hilarious because you tell me to get a grip - LOL!

It does make me wonder, and again, I'm not trying to be argumentative (or scary!!) but I'm just interested in what people will or won't 'put up with'.

In my book - occasional strops = fine, adultery, wife beating = get the hell out. Does your DH do NOTHING that gets your goat, annoys you a little bit? That's all part of marriage isn't it? for better for worse, everyone has good sides and bad sides to their personality and I do believe we should 'put up' with some things, thank god he's put up with my bad side enough times! Its give and take. Just my opinion.

Eergh, it always makes me feel queasy reading on here about grown ups needing to be treated like babies and women stereotyping men into this especially. I am so with you on this expat.

if you're not trying to be argumentative, then WHY on Earth are you a) carrying on about this? b) reading things into random posts - like the suggestion you leave your spouse over this, which is minor?

seriously, step away from the PC.

it's not worth getting so wound up about.

you posted AIBU, people, myself and several others, said you weren't and i, among others, said he was acting like a twunt about it.

that is all.

I only asked the question, I was only curious as to what you do and don't put up with from your DH, if you don't want to answer it then fine....I'm really not wound up....my post wasn't at all aggressive, yours however was, if you don't mind me saying. Seriously.... I will not be told when to step away from my own PC, whoever you think you are, thank you. I wish you many a 'meaty' thread on this board for you get your nails into.

I think that there is a tendency in AIBU for people to take things too seriously.

People have different relationships. I dont mind my DH acting like a baby (its not a stereotype if he actually does it?) from time to time.

I think OP (IMO) was making light of her DH, which is fine/funny/"normal" in my opinion.

oops just read this properly and maybe OP was not making light of her DH. MMALO - am bit confused, were you?

I dont think that there is anything wrong with ANYONE being a wuss at a time of pain.

And yes, I had an epidural

Pamelat, I posted on here to try and fathom out if I should have done something 'extra' before he went in. For example got him a card/gift to wish him good luck in his operation or something along those lines. I wasn't asking if he was being unreasonable (because under his circumstances I feel he was entitled to be a little bit grumpy) but if I was being unreasonable, if I was being uncaring by simply cuddling him and saying 'there there, it will be ok, see you later, hurry along in to the op theatre now' and patting him on the head (so to speak!). I wanted to know what other people would have done for their loved ones (be it a husband, mother, wife, child, father, sister, brother etc) in the run up to this to let them know that they care. That was all. Sometimes on here people are too busy sharpening their claws to read the OP properly, IMO.

Ah in that case I don't think you were being unreasonable.

You bought his favourite cakes and picked him up, I think thats enough

I can see why you get replies about how he is being (a bit) unreasonable even though you didnt ask that Q (but I dont think thats a bad thing, look at it as mumsnetters defending you and anyway his being unreasonable is ok,he has had an operation, he is entitled to whinge a bit)

If I had an operation I would want my DH to be extra nice but with having other responsibilities, I would realise that there was a limit to what he could do. I would strop and get over it within a few hours, as your DH probably has?

It wasnt your fault the car had a flat tyre. BUT I can see why someone post op would mildly strop about it.

Pamelat - thank you, thank you, thank you!

PS, yes, thank you, DH is very much back on form again, despite a bruised and what looks to me a very sore leg ...we've had it out together, its all passed now....Not a grump or frown in the house.