10 yr old wreaking havoc.......HELP

[hammouhouseofhorror]

Could you please tell me the sort of expectations you have if you have a 10 yr old in the house? Jobs, behaviour, being in on time, attitude etc............

I am going NUTS.

I would like to assess if I am being realistic before I ground him until he is 17 and throw away the key.

DD2 is 11 now. When she was 10 we expected -- room to be kept vaguley presentable from day to day and then blitzed with adult help once a month;

• help with washing or drying dishes 2 or 3 times a week
• all ironed clothes to be put away tidily
• table set each evening, or help with getting salad ready or something like that
• pleasant attitude, or pleasant apology if not maintained!

They don't "go out to play" so that was never an issue for negotiation tbh. Now, at 11, if she goes to a friend's after school, arranged beforehand, she has to phone to say she's on her way back (only goes to friends within 10 minutes' walk).

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW.

What about homework?

Jobs: keep own rooms (reasonably) tidy, lay/clear the table, load/unload the dishwasher a couple of times a week, take own belongings upstairs from wherever dumped, put away underwear/own clothes from laundry process, take out the recycling.
Behaviour/attitude: no back-talk to me or DH, (but we've been hot on this for a long while so "excuse me???" with a glare is enough for a "sorry mum" nowadays. Sibling squabbling - SEPARATE! NOW! Threat of pocket money loss usually works.
Being in on time not really an issue, because there are limits to where/how far/with whom they go out with. Tends to be either playing out in the close (safe) or at friends' houses (arranged basis). If they go up to the local shops they take phones and then pester me several times whilst out as to what they can buy over and above what's on the list!

Homework to be done the evening it is set. Although tbh they had very little H/W in primary school.

And don't get the idea that she did all this without moaning; she didn't!!

We reached some very low points with keeping her bedroom tidy, culminating with me in tears in there one day, throwing everything into a bin bag! She's been much better since then!

Rewards - a new book, or a trip to a coffee shop, or some sweetie money at the weekends.

Punishments - removal of nice things after warning given - if room is not tidy by tomorrow, no watching Dr Who; or whatever.

I don't make my 12 yr old DS tidy his room. Doesn't really 'play' in it much. I just clear up clothes etc. I really don't care what state it's in.

Helps set table, takes rubbish out, that sort of thing. Feeds the cat occasionally!

He only goes out to friend's houses for his social life and we pick him up or he is dropped back by friends' parents at set time.So that isn't a problem.

Usually does as he is told anyway.

Doesn't have pocket money so doesn't have that as a threat.

Is youngest of 3, other 2 at university and not here at the moment, may account for not being as annoying!

If table not laid, then no tea served on it!
If squabbling over TV, it goes off 'til compromise worked out.
They plan when homework can be done in sufficient time, with a bit of advice from me if unrealistic. They've had to miss treats out a couple of times if they've not done it in time, so now they're pretty good at forward planning.
Some chores are too much of a hassle to insist on, like clearing the leaves from the garden. Can't stand the moaning and sub-standard workmanship! If I'm up to it, I'll attempt to get them to help at least, but that one's generally simpler to just do myself. Or DH will sergeant-major them into it.

ROFL!! Might show DS!

Tell him of the slave-labour going on in other people's houses and he might realise he's getting off lightly with you and agree to do a bit more?

why ROFL HHH? thought you wanted ideas?

Look, our theory is that we all live in the house and there are various jobs that need to be done in order for it all to work. So, we all pitch in, according to age/skill/time/whatever. I don't think it's healthy for them to develop the attitude that they can loll on the sofa while Mum and Dad slave away on their behalf. Obviously we do the lion's share, but they're getting trained. Had to avert my eyes the first time DD loaded the dishwasher (glasses all the right way up!) and DS made me a coffee (knew I had milk but neglected to add the coffee!), but is worth persevering.

So, what is your DS doing (or not doing) to drive you mad?

I'm really sorry if my 'rofl' offended, I do want ideas but it was a kind of ironic 'rofl' because my DS does very very litle and everything that we try to achieve with him is done with a battle. He has 1/2 term homework and he knew he had to do some today but when it came to the time he went into a rage which involved throwing a chair at me. Seeing what other people get done puts it into perspective.
As i say I am really sorry if I offended anybody

Clam has written it all down well

We are a bit like Clam, DSS aged 12 pitches in, DS 1 &2 are 'in training' (only 1 &3 ).

I think you need to expect more of him and make have clear expectations and if he oversteps them he should know what the consequences are.

And you must follow through with any threats (ie No TV or whatever).

I don't know whether it's better to have set chores that are his responsibility to carry out, or just to do it on an ad hoc basis then. The trouble with the latter is that there's more scope for wriggling out of it.
But I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to help unload the shopping from the car, for instance, even if it's not on their official list.
If he originally agreed that he was going to do the homework today, what went wrong? Was there something specific he wanted to do at that exact time? Throwing a chair at you, however, is NOT ON, whatever the provocation, so what will the consequence of that be? What would happen if you said, "OK, don't do it, but you have to explain to your teacher why it's not done." Or that there will be no TV, playstation (or whatever) trips out until it's done. Your choice, matey.

What went wrong was he simply didn't want to do it, as this is an ongoing problem we already have an agreement that he has to explain to his teacher why it isn't done and she makes him do it in his breaks... she has been brilliant.
He has massive anger management problems, which we are getting help for. This is a previous thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=am_i_being_unreasonable&threadid=624446-to-be-tired-of-39-picking-my-ba ttles-39-with#12719862

Consequence for throwing the chair was to be banned from the computer for the day. When I got back from a run he was on it .

I am completely in agreement with everything you said clam, and don't think it actually does his self esteem any good not to contribute to the family, but every step is a challenge.

Last 20 months have been hell and he now has a mentor. He is supposed to see him on thursday and the deal is to fulfill two challenges but he just can't be bothered and I am coaxing him because he really wants to go.

I'm shatterd and wanted to know what other people expect because I thought maybe I was being unrealistic.

Oh dear. I'm sorry. It's easy to be smug if your kids are reasonably compliant and biddable, but it sounds like you're really up against it.

Just read your other thread. So sorry. You probably don't need to hear what other kids are doing, actually. You're trying your very best to deal with a challenging child. The washing up is probably the least of your worries.

No clam, I really needed to ask what other parents expected of their children because I doubt myself all the time. Maybe it is me, maybe I ask too much,.....
I don't see other people as smug in any way. I don't know if it makes sense but I suppose I needed some reassurance that what I expected of my 10 yr old DS wasn't extraordinary.

Please believe that the posts have helped because at some point in life he is going to have to accept that he has a place in the world and his actions will determine where that place is. I'd like to think I can help it be a good place.

So thank-you. I really appreciate your posts. And if Dorisisapinkdragon looks at this I am sorry if I seemed flippant.

I wonder if he's improved now he's 24