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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more support?

21 replies

Rose72 · 28/10/2008 15:38

It is quite possible I am being unreasonable. I need some perspective on my situation.

Before becoming a mum I wrongly assumed that I had family and friends that I could rely on if I needed to, the type of people that would drop everything to help in time of a crisis.

Since becoming a mum I have realised that I am on my own. I don't think it helps that I am a SAHM if I was still at work I know without a doubt that my boss would give me time off but as a mum I don't get annual leave and I feel that people just think "tough, get on with it".

My mum is in hospital and I really want to be with her but I don't have anyone to look after my child. I had always assumed that my inlaws would be there for me in this eventuality but I suppose I must still be viewed as an outsider, I know that if it was one of them they would take time off work and drop everything to help. Dh can see how much of a struggle things are for me at the moment but he chooses to bury his head in the sand. Is this normal in a marriage once you have had children? This is the same man that used to drive halfway across the country each weekend just to see me.

I don't know if it is down to lack of sleep but I am physically hurting at the moment. My chest is really painful and my mind is in a dream like state. I look at ds's face and know that I have to pull myself together for his sake but I feel that my mum needs me more right now.

I feel angry with myself for posting this on an internet forum but I need to get it out and I can't tell anyone in RL because I expect they are too busy at work in meetings or ordering paperclips from the stationary catalogue or whatever it is that is so important in the world of work, I can't remember...

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 28/10/2008 15:39

can you not visit your mum in the evening?

how old is your ds...can you not take him with you?

Original poster

Rose72 · 28/10/2008 15:41

My mum is in hospital at the other end of the country. I can't take ds with me because she will be in intensive care.

OP posts:

poshbloodencrustedwellies · 28/10/2008 15:44

Why wont your dh have your ds so you can visit your sick mother?

Neeerly3 · 28/10/2008 15:44

you sit down with your DH, you tell him how worried you are over your Mum, could he take a few days leave, have DS so you can go and visit. Don't wait for people to offer......

where abouts do you live, and where is your mum?

jesuswhatnext · 28/10/2008 15:45

rose - are you asking for help from your in-laws or are you expecting them to offer?

i only ask because it is unfair to not ask and then moan that they are not helping iyswim - they may be being thoughtless toward you and just need a gentle reminder that what goes round comes round. they may need your help one day!.

MrsMattie · 28/10/2008 15:46

Have you asked for help? from your DH? Your in laws?

MrsHappy · 28/10/2008 15:46

Have you asked people (i.e. your in laws) to help?
They may not want to interfere without invitation. They may not be able to afford time off work.

Alternatively, you should sit down with your DH and tell him DH that you need to see your mother and let him take responsibility for childcare while you are away - be that by getting family to help, taking time off himself or by hiring a temporary nanny. He may not have realised that he needs to step up for one reason or another.

Cupofteaplease · 28/10/2008 15:47

Please, please demand that your husband take care of your son and go and see your mum.

I know this is awfully morbid, but I had a phonecall in March to tell me that my dad had had a heart attack. By the time dh got home from work and we had packed for the children and driven them to the PIL (because they wouldn't come to our house ), my dad had died. I never got to hold his hand one last time and tell him how much I loved him- all because I was 'stuck' with the children and nobody would offer their help, despite asking.

I pray your mum will be fine, I'm sure she will!! However, please don't put yourself in the position of carrying this guilt that I have- ask for help. In fact, demand it.

I would normally say, you chose to have a child, deal with it, why SHOULD anyone take him off your hands- but on this matter, you be as selfish as you can be.

Best wishes x

Original poster

Rose72 · 28/10/2008 15:47

Because he doesn't have any holiday entitlement left. I have asked him to work from home for a couple of days but he won't because he is too busy and knows that he won't get much work done at home because it is half term. I know that we can all visit at the weekend but I want to go before my mum has her operation, she is scared and I am too. I am sad that dh and his family don't seem to recognise how hard I am finding this.

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/10/2008 15:48

I think you need to tell your dh that you need him to take time off your your mother is critically unwell and you need his support.

Now is not a time to expect him to read your mind, you need to start the dialogue preferably today then you can, pack and get there asap.

dismemberingdora · 28/10/2008 15:50

Hallo rose sorry you're having such an awful time. I had similar situation last year, dh was in hospital, I was quite ill and off work for 2 months and had not childminder as she was being treated for cancer.
I would have thought that both our families would rally round, not at all, I'm afraid. Someone babysat two evenings in all that time, I was close to tears all the time...
Demand that your dh takes your ds, you need to be with your Mum, you need a break from the ds even if your Mum was ok. You need support. Please do this, you are not being selfish/demanding etc which might be how you feel (I felt that I had to hold things together particularly for dd, didn't want to worry dh). But being a mum means that that you are on your own in terms of responsibility (I get angry when I hear of how some people's families support them, horribly envious but there you go).
You need to be with your Mum, your dh has to be there for you, let him mind your ds - if he can't then his family might step in.

So sorry for this situation

Neeerly3 · 28/10/2008 15:50

so he doesn't have any holiday left, what about compassionate leave? Or like someone else said, let him take responsibility for the childcare (he can ask his folks) and you get on with looking after your mum.

If his mum was ill, he would take time off and you would be looking after DS I would expect, so vice versa applies....

bozza · 28/10/2008 15:50

TBH if it is so serious that your Mum is in intensive care I think you are perfectly entitled to let DS be DH's issue. So either he takes time off work or finds some emergency childcare or gets his Mum to do it. I think YABU to expect your MIL to take time off work while your DH is working still but YANBU at all to expect your DH to take the reins at time like this.

Hope you get things sorted to go see your Mum.

bozza · 28/10/2008 15:54

Definitely DH should arrange childcare or take compassionate leave. Have you any friends who would help out? I have helped out my friends for things like grandparents funerals etc. How old is your DS?

more · 28/10/2008 15:58

I am sure he could pull a sicky if he really wanted to.
Ask him how he would feel if it was him in your situation. Would he want/expect nothing from you or your family? Or would he expect for you to show some love and support!?

Neeerly3 · 28/10/2008 16:11

rose, his family will not recognise how hard you are finding things if you don't tell them. My family and my dh's family still go on and on about how fab i was looking after my DT's when they were tiny, and how well I coped with everything. No one knows i was on AD's for much of it and close to a breakdown - because I didn't tell anyone.....

Original poster

Rose72 · 28/10/2008 16:14

I am going to tell dh that I am going to the hospital, he will have to sort things out. I do have friends that would help out but they are relatively new friends and I can't put put on them to that extent.

I have just had 3 phonecalls.

Phonecall 1 - Sales call, the woman nearly gave me heart failure as she had the same accent as the nurse on my mum's ward.

Phonecall 2 - Dh, asking if I still felt ill and he then said "I wonder why you are ill?" Fgs, he clearly doesn't have the brain that he was born with.

Phonecall 3 - My mum, she doesn't want any visitors before the operation. I am now worried that I if trek halfway across the country she will be even more worried when she goes in for the op. I don't know what to do now.

OP posts:

bozza · 28/10/2008 16:18

Have you got any other family members you could discuss what to do with, regarding whether to visit your Mum or not?

Dropdeadfred · 28/10/2008 16:21

have you asked the in-laws for help?

Original poster

Rose72 · 28/10/2008 16:24

My mum is now in a specialist hospital in a different city, I don't think anyone was planning to visit until after she has moved out of intensive care. My mum was in her local hospital until yesterday and had lots of visitors then. My mum has told her partner not to visit but I think that he may well just turn up anyway.

Thanks for all your messages, I realise that I am expecting dh to read my mind and yet most men aren't that great at that are they?

OP posts:

scattyspider · 28/10/2008 16:30

Is she in intensive care now, or is it planned for after the op? (this is quite common).

When is the op?

Is there anyone (your dad, sibling, family friend) who can have your ds while you visit if you take him to her house?

If the op is soon, its probably worth chatting to her on the phone now, then planning to visit (with or without ds) after the op.

Assuming she doesn't have an infection you can take ds into hosp to visit her.

Definately ask your pils for specific help (ie to look after ds while dh is at work).

When you have children you get good at asking for help.

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