to seriously want to divorce dh over this. long sorry.

[EndOTether]

DH and I are both freelancers, things are not good for us at all work wise at the minute.
Infact it's looking very likely we will go under.
Dh is very reluctant to search for work and has been for the last 2 years at least. I knew this and so have worked my arse off trying to pull in enough work so it's not a problem. Now it is.
The big problem is I'm a fighter and he isn't. There is no way I'll go under without trying absolutely everything. He has taken the "it's inevitable" stance and imo is doing very little to try and turn things around. He reckons he's doing enough.
We had a huge row last night.(well I shouted,..he doesn't speak!)
I asked him if he'd phoned various people looking for work...nope. I asked if he knew what his agent was doing....nope.
There is no way he's doing enough.
I have pussy footed around trying to encourage him for years and now I'm at the end of my tether. Everything I suggest he interprets as criticism and becomes more and more monosyllabic.
ATM I have lost all respect for him and if we lose this house with him not doing absolutely everything to try and keep us afloat, I could never forgive him.
He's not depressed, he is shy, his work is very good, there is no reason he couldn't get new clients.
So..AIBU?

i think you need to tell him a few home truths, if you havent already. Sometimes it takes a real rocket up ones backside to open your eyes and see how pathetic you have become. It sounds a little like he has got used to relying on you to be the strong one. Perhaps if he can find something else to do and ride out the current rough economy? its got to be worth a try. He needs to earn your respect back and the only way he can do that is to see himself just how you see him.

Is it a case of the family home and you though, I mean would you really leave the father of your children over a house ?
I'm very materialistic but would sleep in a cardboard box with DH and the kids if it came to it.
It sounds to me like you have to hand over the running of the house/children to him and you have to get a full time job and do the freelance on the side too.
If that's what it takes to hold it together, you work and tell him you do not expect to be cooking meals and making beds too.
You may find that makes him happier anyway ?

Believe me I've tried everything. I've praised and cajoled and encouraged. Even when I was shouting last night I offered to help phone clients. I said I'd email his agent and get the current list of clients so I could go over it...everything is refused. I know shouting doesn't help him, but I've tried everything else and have nothing left now. and actually I don't care if he's pissed off anymore.
Thanks btw for everyones suggestions so far,...they are helpful

yep, I would leave him over the house. well, it's not the house really, it's the fact he hasn't tried his hardest. I couldn't sit in a caravan with him knowing he could have done more.

Then throw him out and you do it all, because that's what it'll come to eventually anyway, you doing it all and maybe when he realises what he stands to lose he'll pull his finger out.
Does he have a mother/family you could send him too ?

Are you quite sure he isn't depressed?
But if not, then no, YANBU, this would be a deal breaker for me.

Bloody hell - i feel REALLY sorry for this guy! I think you should leave him if he is THAT much of a disappointment. My partner is much the same, really disheartened with things, we are likely to lose our house and will never be able to get another one. Will i leave him? Um, NO because i LOVE HIM. Yes, he drives me mad, yes i've nagged, cajoled, praised, shouted, cried, had a nervous breakdown but I love him. He is my soul mate and we are in this together. I had to look to myself, i haven't helped him, but that is me, not you - you on the other hand, you sound perfect. Perhaps you could get together with my DP and "help" him.

Have you ever thought that actually, your DP really might have had enough, but that you are forcing him down a road, career wise, that he doesn't want to go. I'm sorry if im being harsh, I DO understand your frustrations i do, but to leave him over a house?? Is it really worth it? What is bricks and mortar at he end of the day? Things aren't always going to be like this - they can't be. We just have to ride the storm. I really really think you should get off his case, you say he is not depressed?? I am, you could be describing me!

Maybe he wants to jack it all in and get a job at Tesco, maybe he wants to work in an animal shelter or with disadvantaged children, all jobs that have their own rewards, would this be good enough for you?

Do you still love him? Because if you do, and you leave him because of this, you are going to be so unhappy.

You say he does a lot of admin, well, would it work if he were to work for you for a while? Do all your admin and paperwork to free you up to do the more cutting edge stuff? This might mean that you can bring more money in yourself, he doesn't have to do things he hates doing and you can claim back what you "pay" him, against tax! Maybe that is where his strength lies, i have lost count of the times i have had to speak to DPs clients for him, he just wont, WILL NOT answer his phone, its almost like a phobia - yeah, it drivees me nuts, really nuts, but he can't actually help it - so i step in when i have to.

I don't think OP is leaving him over a house? She's leaving him because he's not stepping up when the family finances are in crisis. If he is trying his hardest and things STILL fall apart, from the way I read this, she'd stick by him. But it's the fact that he's taking a "there's nothing more I can do" approach when she sees that there ARE options?

And in that case, while I think you should work it out OP, I do have every sympathy. DP can be like this although he is SOOO much better. It took him waking up one day and realising I was paying for everything while he whined, even though I wasn't that happy myself for him to realise he needed to suck it up. And he has. And I'm very proud of him for that.

yanbu! He needs to pull his finger out and provide for his family, just like you are trying to do. Would kicking him out give him the suitable kick up the arse??

Thank you Bling. That's exactly what I'm saying. If he did just a little he would gain my respect back because I know how hard this is for him. Whatever happens we will dissolve or bankrupt the company. My agency do all my invoicing & finances for me and he deals with his and company finances. I'm going back to being a sole trader then I can take more control of what I earn. Then I will know for sure if I can pay the mortgage. And I'm not bloody perfect EM, I don't profess to be, but at least I'm trying my hardest and I know when we lose everything, I've done everything I possibly can.

After the birth of my baby, i lost my father, i suffered from crippling post natal depression. I am still on medication and recieving counselling. The PND wasn't diagnosed until DD was two! I was all the things you describe about your DP, demotivated, I did NOTHING to help with the business, in fact I am probably the reason why it is failing now. My partner must have wanted to shake me, in fact i know he wanted to shake me - it nearly finished us. THANK GOD he saw through that and loved me enough to stand by me. I'm getting better now and im looking for work - the irony being i have a high earning potential and i could have changed our predicament overnight. But when you are depressed, you can't see that, you just can't, you become self absorbed, self pitying and you just put your head firmly in the sand. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells you to pull yourself together, how many home truths you are told, how you know that all eveyone is saying to you is true, you are stuck in a whirlwind of stuff happening and it is impossible. Sometimes you just want to stay in bed and do nothing at all.

I don't know if your DP is depressed or not, but you could have been describing me in your OP and well, there are always two sides to everything, have you listened to his?

There are some real flags here for depression, somewhere you said that he said something along the lines of "well you are doing that, and it isn't working" when you asked him to try X. It is that negativity in the light of good advice that depressed people are so good at. There is no shame in depression, maybe he isn't depressed, but he certainly doesn't sound like a happy bunny to me.

EndOTether, unfortunately there are 2 ways people cope in cases such as yours - fight or flight. Looks like you are a fighter, but maybe he is the other. You need to sit him down (again) and explain exactly how you feel and maybe even give him some options to consider. He might be just burying his head in the sand and hoping it will go away, but you need to agree a definite action plan (little steps if necessary e.g sign on with employment agency, wind up business, see bank about financial worries to avoid repossession etc as the sooner you flag up issues, the better- you could ask for a repayment holiday etc). Good luck. Hopefully he can make the effort to get through this difficult time and it will be worth you sticking together.

YABU- for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. With marriage you take the rough with the smooth unless there is abuse/infidelity.

YABU- for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. With marriage you take the rough with the smooth unless there is abuse/infidelity.

Blimey exasperated, that is really bloody harsh.

As far "for richer for poorer", is the OP's husband holding up his side of the bargain? Doesn't sound like it.

This is kind of irrelevant, and in a different league altogether, but a few years ago I watched a documentary about the Twin Towers. Three blokes quite near the top of the building (don't know which tower) somehow managed to find themselves near a fire exit type stairwell. They were a long way up and they had to climb through lift shafts, down stairwells, anyway about 3/4 of the way down one of them just couldn't hack it anymore. He wasn't old but was pretty unfit and just sat down and refused to move. His wife was filmed and she said something like "I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, but I just can't get over what he did. He just didn't understand how much he mattered to us, how important he was to us."

If the OP doesn't fight, what's going to happen to her and her family, left to her DH?

No more harsh than people saying he should stop being pathetic and step up to the plate, i'm just trying to say that there could be another side to this and that the OP should consider it. I am not judging her, i feel for her, i honestly do - we are in a very similar position. Maybe if my DP were harder with me when i just stuck my head in the sand, i might have been better - but i actually think it would have been a very dangerous thing for him to do. But this isn't about me.

I just think that this guy should be cut some slack, he isn't handling things very well but that doesn;t make him weak or pathetic

Not everyone who fits this description is depressed though, and if he is functioning enough to do the VAT return he almost certainly isn't depressed. He isn't you.

Frankly, he does sound like he is being weak and pathetic to me, and a man with a wife and kids has no right to be. If the current career isn't working, get another one. Stack shelves, drive a minicab, anything, except siting on his arse waiting for the balliffs to turn up.

This might sound a bit daft, but would either his or your parents speaking to him have any effect?

Imagining us in the same sitation dh would feel guilty if the concern came from his parents and mortified if it came from my father!

Depression does not alway render you disfunctional, you manage, you get by. During the worse part of my depression, i was able to prepare DPs accounts and write up my PhD. But this didn't stop me from not being able to get through a day without ringing DP to come home over trivial things. It has destroyed my confidence and it seems like this man has lost his confidence too. I don't know how i managed to do those things, it is all a blur, but you become like an automaton (sp). Yeah, he might just be weak and pathetic, and in that case the OP should divorce him.

The question is, has he always been like this? Or is it just recently? If he has always been a bit of a procrastinator and head in the sand merchant, i can't imagine why the OP married him.

I'm sorry to hear the problems you have had EM, but he definitely isn't you..he doesn't have depression on that sort of scale. He may well be down atm, aren't we all, but as I said he's not a talker, so getting anything out of him is like blood from a stone and I haven't got the energy at the moment to support my failing career, the kids, the house and him.
I've just spoken to him on the phone and actually there is a tiny glimmer of hope in that he's talked to agent today and has the list that I demandedasked for last night.
I think he realises that I'm deadly serious.
I was harder last night than I have ever been, I said some pretty harsh things to him and I am not proud of that.But funnily enough I'm not in the best place right now either and I think he has to see that. I can't do it all.
I've said I'll do anything I can to help him, so I will have to wait and see if what he does tomorrow.
He has always been a bit of a head in the sand guy btw,... but I married him because he is kind, caring, thoughtful, and I knew he would be a wonderful father. And to be fair, our business is very different now to how it was 15 years ago when we got married.

It is very clear to me that you still love him and are still proud of him. It is easy to lose sight of it. My counsellor said to me, there is an old adage "when money troubles come through the door, love goes out of the window". I am sorry that i have posted so harshly, maybe i went a bit OTT but the reason i feel so strongly about this is because; the thought of money problems breaking up a relationship is heartbreaking to me. It is ripping us apart, and at the end of the day, is it worth it? Not when you look at it logically, no it isn't. But that doesn't help when the wolf is at the door, i know that.

You say he has done some of the things you demanded so that shows that maybe he has taken things on board. I guess now you have to sit back, watch and wait, don't do what i do and nag.

I sort of agree with em, I think the problem is you are under stress and it is forcing you apart as a couple - probably because you have really different ways of reacting to stress.
All I can suggest is that you keep trying to talk and to listen. And try to remember why you love him.
I also think you might benefit from counselling with a third party, but appreciate that sorting that out might not be the highest priority right now.

I also wonder if trying to play to each of your strengths might help - you've listed all sorts of ways in which he is helpful and supportive, is there some way he can take on more of those roles in order to better support you?
I do feel for you when you say you can't do it all, I sometimes feel like that, tired of being expected just to cope, when I need a bit of looking after too...