to be upset because my daughter's friends mum said something hurtful to my daughter

[LJWinN10]

Not sure how to handle this. My DD's friend's mum (call DD's friend Z) told my DD that Z and Q(another 8 yr old girl) were better friends before DD arrived at the school (which was 3 years ago). Obviously, DD was gutted. It would seem that Z's mum is actively trying to un-do their friendship. Which has been flourishing over 3 years, incidentaly.

If this is so, not much I can do about it. Initially, I wanted to call the other mother but DD didn't want me to because she was afraid that would make friendship between DD and Z impossible. So I respected DD's wishes.

Well, a few weeks into this ridiculous situation, and friendship is impossible. DD having a hard time. Can't really pit an 8 yr old against an adult.

Now I feel it is time to say something but WHAT exactly? How would she feel if I spoke to her DD that way? Why did she do it? MY biggest fear is that I will lose it with this woman. And I do not want to stoop to her level of rudeness.

Any advice on what to say, notes to make to myself before I call etc etc would be most welcome. Or should I not call?

Hmmm, very tricky one. What sort of relationship do you have with this woman? Do you chat to her?
If you don't know her very well it's hard to know how to speak to her. You could maybe ask casually how she thinks the girls are all getting on, giving her an opening to make any comments to you rather than your DD.

Before you do anything make sure you are certain what was said and not that your dd misinterpreted it.

Could it have been something simple - like an argument and Z's mum saying ' well Z and Q have been good friends for a long time'.

If this isn't the case I am at the mum of Z as I don't believe you should interfere with your dcs friendships unless you have very good reason such as bullying etc.

Good luck I hate dealing with situations like this and normally develop the head in the sand approach unless absolutely necessary - but it sounds like action is required

id stay out.give your dd comfort and support and hope the other girls mother feels shame in getting involved in a pety 8 year old girls arguement.

Been doing the comfort and support thing, but this is not really working anymore.

And I much prefer head-in-the-sand to confrontation too!

It could be a misunderstanding, but I doubt it. I have an au pair, who backs up the playground tensions, and has witnessed several uncomfortable comments from Z's mother. So DD perhaps misinterpreted something, but not all.

I do know Z's mum, because the girls have been such good friends. So I think I need to say something, to support my DD, but how awkward is this!

For whatever reason, she has decided the girls are not to be friends. I need to understand the reason, I guess, but am dreading the phone call.

I suppose I could say that if she has an issue with my child perhaps best to discuss with me, not the child?

I don't know...

keep out of it
It will resolve itself one way or another i expect
Encourage other friendships
If it is as your daughter says then perhaps she's better out of that relationship anyway

I wopuld leave it, it will blow over quicker without the adults getting involved. Make sure your daughter has lots of friends and is not just relying on this pair.

LJW - could you phone and play the innocent - maybe phone to invite Z over to play and say you are doing this as they don't seem to be getting on very well - does she know why?

Thanks. Feels like good advice! I can avoid the call, and don't have to feel like I'm neglecting DD because I don't want confrontation.

This has been very difficult and hard to know what is right thing to do.

I agree adults should stay out, so I will. And I will encourage other friendships. Trouble is, very few moms allow their DD's to play with an au pair in charge, and I work so not there after school. That's why this friendship worked.

But, hey ho. Things change. Will concentrate effort on new friends for DD and not dwell on this rubbish.

It couldn't have been that good after all, if things have come to this.

Thanks so much. This is my first posting here and I think I'll be back...Have 12 yr old DS as well, and already trouble brewing there!

Awww bless your DD!

I remember as a child we had a massive green and the was at least 20 houses surronding the green when the any of the kids fell out with each other the parents got involved by giving out Ice poles and sweets to make sure that there kid was liked one summer there was halve the kids on either side. I have 5 sisters and I was on one side because the mum gave out better ice cream and my sisters were on the other side because the mum gave out sweets. When I think about it I can see how petty the parents were.

I would not get involved or just have a quiet word not in front of the DDs just mention your DD was upset

Keep out of your dc friendships - it will end in tears and if you think it is badnow you interfering will make things 10x worse

leave your dd to learn her own life lessons about friendships.

Had sleepover last Friday with a different friend. The only other one allowed for a sleepover.

DD at dad's every other Saturday so often difficult to organize Saturday things.

A few families also like to keep weekends for family things.

Add to that many parents who, even in Year 4, do not allow their children over for sleepovers. I do struggle to support other friendships!

Have actually thought about switching schools, but know that's not an option.

Why are parents so over-protective? Am begining to wonder if there's something wrong with me?! I don't think so....

Sounds like an unpleasent situation for everyone

I think if i were in your situation i'd ring her and ask whats going on.

you've nothing to lose after all.

LJ I know how you feel.

My dd is in a triangle friendship. As the old saying goes 3 doesn't work, unfortunately it always seems to be my dd that gets left out. One of the girls keeps saying to dd that her mum is going to phone the school about dd, which makes dd cry at school and alienates her further. I have told her to say to the girl if her mum phones then I will too as there are always 2 sides to every story. But then she comes back the next day and they have made up again and things are fine for a while until the next time. There are only 8 girls in her class, so she only has 5 others to play with and they are all in firm friendship groups, making it hard for my dd to break into.

I have phoned her bf mum in the past, because I know I can talk to her without any upset but that initial phone call is hard. If it was just dd and her friend things would be rosy but as I say the problem is the 3 thing just doesn't work.

I had a nanny who did a fair amount of shit stirring/misunderstanding in the playground for me, which led to my blood pressure going through the roof, because if you aren't there you can't know the true facts.
I would talk to the mother directly find out exact what was said and go from there, in my case it turned out the woman had said nothing of the sort and my nanny was a fruit loop, you never know could be a storm in a tea cup.

I don't understand what Z's mum has said thats so hurtful? Sorry if I'm misreading the post but if she said her child was good friends with someone before meeting OP's DD how is that hurtful? My DS has friends he's only known for a couple of years, since he went to his current school out of normal admissions. Most of them have been there longer and therefore known each other for longer. Neither he nor me would point be offended to have that pointed out as its a simple fact. His best friend was closer friends with someone else before DS arrived, but he isn't anymore. COuld this not be the case here?