or is the au-pair a bit odd?

[jackofall]

ok - first time on here but need to know if i am being unreaslistic with my expectations...
this is our second ap first one - great; really friendly and outgoing a few little niggles but really nothing - in fact 99.9% great and was with us for a year whilst she was taking a gap year..
the new one - dds seem to like her but dh and i are thinking she's odd.she makes NO effort to be part of the family - eats seperatly to us at her request, never wants to join us for days out at weekends or in what we are doing and is always either in her room or at church given any opportunity to escape.. i don't think it's us as the first one was the opposite and we have not changed?!
it's quite nice having the "space" but at the same time it's like having a stranger looking after the boys (7 &9) and living in our house.... so therefore very tricky to make a judgement call on if she is right for us. we have a few other issues including a total lack of initiative but we know that nothing is perfect....

i think you are right millarkie - two extremes and we were being unrealistic... will just learn to accept this one for what she is and how she wants to be.... the kids quite like her and thats the main thing.... :0

YABU VERY. When I was a teenager I aupair there is nothing worse than spending your weekend with the family you live with.

Its her FREE time you don't get to decide how she spends it.
How can she meet other people her own age, with her type of interests or even experience the country is she is trailing round after you.

Be welcoming, chatty invite her to have the odd meal with you and you will build up a relationship.

I would cut her some slack and give her time to get used to you all.

When I was 21 I went to stay with distant relatives abroad (who I had met once briefly as a child). I was desperately shy and a bit overwhelmed about the whole thing (was staying with them and working 2 part-time jobs to earn money for university). I really don't think they appreciated how different their country was to mine at the time (though the language was the same) and I probably didn't let on how lost I felt at times because I didn't want them to think I was a hick from the sticks! I'm sure half a chance I would have disappeared up to my room whenever I could!

do feel a bit like its a one way street though - sometimes she'll come into the kitchen etc and not even speak - we say hi and get no response...
grapefruit - she's been with us 3 months so i think she's had enough time to get used to us...
i think she is here to learn english and nothing else - thats fine i get that now but feel a bit disappointed tbh as it is like having a stranger look after the boys... i literally speak to her for 5 minutes a day and that's it....
she takes no real interest in the kids - does the minimum in terms of interaction etc....didn't watch them when i took them to swimming lessons or karate or anything just read her book - makes me wonder why she became and ap and not just got a job in the uk as she is eu and therefore can work anywhere...

perhaps i should say boys and 7 & * and she has them from school end till 630 monday to friday and has all day to go to school etc .. we have invited her to join us for meals etc but she never wants to - perhaps we smell ??!!

just as a matter of interest, why were you taking the boys and the au pair to swimming lessons and karate lol? i'm honestly curious, i'm having a vicarious sort of day and can't imagine a scenario where i'd do it, unless showing her where the pool was so she could do it next time?

The problem is she is an Au pair some of them are not intreasted in the children or child care its just a way to make some money and live in England etc

if you want Mary poppins then you really should find a Nanny they will be more intreasted in the childrens activites etc

I do feel bad for you as it must be uncomfortable maybe look into a different one

exactly - showing her where everything is and stuff - she needs her "hand held" quite a lot so want to make sure she is happy with the routine before she does it herself... bit of a pain in the bum but necessary.

A tricky one! I've had 4 au pairs so far, and a few short term ones in between. AP number 2 was my least favourite and I felt exactly like you did in the beginning, though I had no problem that she wanted to do things independently. I certainly didn't want to spend time with her.

She followed on the heels of my first AP, who was great. So a lot to live up to.

I let AP 2 stay the whole year, though I thought about asking her to leave after 2 months. It was a not fun and I was sooooooo relieved when she left. It wasn't the worst thing that ever happened, but it was a very long year.

The MOST important thing is: do you feel that your children are safe with her? If you can answer yes, then ask if the children like her? If the answer is yes, do you want her around for the year?

If I had it to do over, I would not have let her stay for the year. She made me uncomfortable in my own home. I kept her because DD seemed to like her and I didn't want to upset her.

The AP I have now is the best ever. I love her, and so does DD. She no longer says AP 2 was her favourite, which was the case for awhile.

Good luck

pp - yes we were spoilt first time round i think - it's so bloody hard - guilt is massive as both working full time - no grandparents to speak of and therefore need to off set guilt with good child care...
nannies don't want part time after school and i need the flexiblility of au pair as i run my own business .....
just wish i had a secret spy cam so i could see if she was a bit more interacive with the boys when i'm not there..

lj - oh thank god i'm not going mad....
i really want her to be independant but do feel uncomfortable around her... eldest dd likes her and the youngest doesn't but he has special needs and tbh doesn't like anyone until they go home and then misses them like mad....
i wonder sometimes if i'm keeping her just because it's easier than finding a new one!!

The interminable search! My beloved current AP is going to leave at xmas and i DREAD the thought of having to find another.

It is a truly ghastly thing and very random.

I now trust myself to know the good ones from the not good ones, but it is so hard to volunteer for selecting and settling in, after only a few months. It is a hugely time- and energy-consuming task, I know.

If it's any comfort, I survived my bad year. Maybe we all just get them. And I have no family around either, and a single mum so AP's my only support.

poor you - it's pants isn't it...
sometimes i so wish that i could be a stay at home mum and not have this stress but the mortgage won't pay itself and the kids need shoes!!
i just hope that when the dds are grown up they won't throw it all back at us for leaving them with and i quote from the m.i.l "foreign help" !!!!

I've never had an au pair, or anyone else working in my house. Im not sure i would like it if i am honest, DP and I are pretty anti social, so your OP sounds just about perfect to me! But, at the end of the day, she is looking after your children, how much time is she spending with them? I guess by their age they don't need the sort of input a pre-schooler would? Im just thinking that, you know, this is your home and whilst, technically she isn't doing anything wrong, maybe you should set a time limit and if you still don't feel comfortable with her, then find someone else.

I actually think the "forgein help" is quite good for the children, she can tell them all about her country etc so there is potentially a real benefit there. I don't think your children will throw it back in your face at all - why would they.

I am a SAHM, my DD has just started preschool, and I worry for the opposite reason, we are broke, im looking for a job now.

Its such a personal thing having other people in your house, i couldn't take to it i don't think. But that is cos im weird .

I dont think you are being unreasonable, it might be that your AP doesn't feel comfortable with you too, that sounds harsh, but well, people either gel or they don't. I don't think that means anyone person is in the wrong. I would have a problem with her walking into a room and not speaking, unless of course i felt VERY comfortable, but this isn't the case.