Name change regular getting worked up already about family strife over Christmas. Please - don't be horrible to me. I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight.
Anyway, want to send this letter to brother about SIL after a particularly gruesome family get-together at my mum's today. Have changed names for sake of anonymity.
"You?re not going to enjoy reading this. Sorry. I?m writing it for two reasons ? firstly because I?ve finally reached the end of my patience with Mandy?s behaviour and secondly to give you some time before Christmas to think about the practicalities of who goes where and when.
I suspect that you the situation between me and Mandy as being about a clash of personalities.
My understanding is this: that Mandy took a strong dislike to me around the time you two first got together, and has played out that dislike through subtle passive-aggressive behaviour over the past decade while everyone around pretends not to notice. To spell it out: she often makes a point of not acknowledging my presence in the room , and if she does acknowledge my presence it?s without a smile or any sign of interest. She?ll engage in desultory conversation with me if I ask her about herself, but won?t go further than this. She pointedly ignores my children and always has done. She?ll say goodbye to everyone in the room and hug them but either say nothing to me or at most leave the house with a casual ?bye? over her shoulder. She makes a point of contradicting me and of being dismissive of my opinions, though usually only if other people are listening. Otherwise she barely responds to my conversation. I could go on but I?m conscious it possibly sounds nit-picking and a bit silly to you. On the other hand you?re aware that Mandy has a history of taking violent dislikes to people for reasons that are very hard for most of us to understand, and you know she?s behaved vindictively towards these people at work. I can?t imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour from someone you have to work with.
Apart from on a few recent occasions where I?ve become so upset and worn down by her hostility that I?ve deliberately stopped trying to engage with her, on the whole I?ve not been anything other than polite and warm, have always taken an interest in her work and her life generally, have regularly invited her to our home and shown her hospitality, year after year, despite constant snubbing and a determination on her part not to return the courtesy.
At times she?s moved beyond simple coldness to do things that were downright odd and unkind ? like when ds was born, having not visited after the birth she managed to trump herself by not even acknowledging I?d given birth when I saw her the first time I went to mums afterwards a fortnight after, or looked at ds until she was forced to by mum asking her to. When mum told me about the way she?s behaved towards Mira [db's and SIL's friend, neighbor and former childminder] - blanking her, crossing the road when she sees her coming, not acknowledging or congratulating her on the birth of her baby, I had a sense of déjà vu. I wished I could say to Mira that I understood how upset Mandy?s behaviour made her feel ? it?s incredibly hurtful at a time when you are feeling quite raw and emotional already. And of course Mira has more to feel upset about than most, having had such a terrible time with losing her baby before this pregnancy. I used to agonise about what I?d said or done to offend Mandy. I?m sure Mira has done the same.
I also suspect it?s not occurred to Mandy that Steph [my sister] and mum and dad are aware of how she behaves towards me and are baffled and upset by it.
Anyway ? the point of all this isn?t just to let off steam ; the point is to ask you to address it. I can?t carry on behaving as though I haven?t noticed: it?s poisoning the time we spend together as a family at mum and dad?s. If I think Mandy is going to be there with you when I come around then I start feeling tense and upset on the way over. I feel really wounded by her behaviour and it undermines my confidence in myself. More to the point I really don?t see why I should be exposed to mean spirited behaviour in my family home. I?ve also had a bit of difficulty reconciling myself to the part you play in all this. I?ve heard you asking Steph to come and spend an evening with you at your home on three occasions in the past three weeks. I found myself thinking 'that?s three times more invitations than we?ve received in the past 13 years'. I?ve wondered what?s stopped you from extending the same hospitality to us as we?ve shown to you? It?s your home too. It?s left me wondering ? do you concur with Mandy, or is it just that you can?t find a way of challenging her behaviour. Whatever, I can?t imagine DH tolerating me behaving like that towards one of his sisters.
Anyway - I would like to think that you can address this issue with Mandy. Perhaps try and put it to her that it's not acceptable for her to be rude and cold to a member of your family who's done nothing to upset her. Or if you can't bring yourself to talk to her about it then begin to think about how we're going to organise Christmas. I'm not going to let her spoil my time with mum and dad once again this year, as she's done every year as far back as I can remember"
Send it or bin it?