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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH shouldn't have gone away all weekend for a get-together with people he hardly knows?

27 replies

buickmackane · 26/10/2008 20:58

Dh has been away all weekend for a p* up in London with some people he hardly knows and I have never met. He dropped this on me last weekend after returning from being out all day at a meet-up to do with his hobby. I should add, this is how he knows the people he has gone to see.

I told him on Tuesday that I was surprised
he thought it was OK to go away like this. We
live in Leeds and have 2 DC (and one on the
way). We had a big talk about how I felt his hobby had become almost an obsession to him at our loss. He said he could see why I was thinking that and promised from now on he wouldn't go straight to his hobby room when he got in from work and would wait until DC were in bed.

On Friday night DS2 was ill and spent the night in our bed which obviously resulted in very little sleep for me. The next morning when I was trying to have a lie-in he came and started packing his bag (it was 8am). I was so upset that I actually broke down and cried (mixture of hormones and lack of sleep, I guess) and told him I didn't want him to go. I had said this on Tuesday during our big talk as well. He cuddled me and said I shouldn't be so upset, he'd be back before I knew it.

So, he set off at 8.45am Saturday morning and I've just rung him now because I was worried and he claimed to be on his way home and said he'd not phoned me because he didn't want an arguement!

Sorry this is so long I just can't believe he thinks this is OK when I think it's so wrong. AIBU?

OP posts:
chequersandchess · 26/10/2008 21:00

Um no, it's not ok, you are really not BU.

I'm sorry for you

acoady · 26/10/2008 21:01

No, I don't think YABU, but then everyone's relationships are different. I would be wanting a lengthy serious chat when he got home.

What's hobby is it?

welshdeb · 26/10/2008 21:02

Start planning a weekend away yourself.

themoon666 · 26/10/2008 21:03

What is this hobby then?

Lizzylou · 26/10/2008 21:04

He is being a selfish ass, I think you need to get firm about this.
Have you a "Hobby room"? Could you just up and go off for a weekend?
I am guessing that the answers to those questions would be no.

Be firm, don't cry just tell him how unfair this is on you and your DC and how selfish he is

guest · 26/10/2008 21:04

YANBU

solidgoldskullonastick · 26/10/2008 21:07

How well he knows the people he is socialising with is hardly the issue. When do you get time off to pursue any of your interests? Your DH has started thinking that he is the only person who matters in the family and that you are a domestic appliance. (Unfortunately this is very common especially when the woman is a SAHP: the man starts thinking that as he 'works' ie brings in an income he is entitled to do nothing around the house and no childcare, and to have leisure time when not at work).

When he gets back, don't rage or yell, just tell him that next weekend you are going out and he will need to look afte the children. And go out, away from the house - whehter it's to see friends or just have a day trip to somewhere that appeals to you. There is nothing at all wrong with people who are parents having hobbies, it is in fact essential to have some childfree time that isn't taken up with chores - but one person's hobby shouldn't be allowed to take priority over everyone else in the household.

Original poster
buickmackane · 26/10/2008 21:08

Thank you. I'm so confused by his behaviour. I flippantly said 'well how about if I disapear off for the weekend how would you like it?'. He said that would be fine. (but of course I wouldn't do that.) I have my family and want to spend my time with them.

His hobby is entomology. He keeps various bugs and creatures and often goes to fairs to buy them. He also spends up to 5 hours a night on forums to do with this.

I thought the big talk on Tuesday had done the trick but obviously it didn't.

OP posts:
bettythebuilder · 26/10/2008 21:08

yanbu- and if he didn't phone because he didn't want an argument, then he certainly knows that you're not happy.

I suggest you book a nice spa day, leave the children with him for a day (better still, a weekend ) and go and have some Mum-to-be treatments. Pampering yourself could be your new hobby

Original poster
buickmackane · 26/10/2008 21:12

Wouldn't that just make me as bad as him though?

Yes, I am a SAHM.

OP posts:
cat64 · 26/10/2008 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sazzerbear · 26/10/2008 21:56

He is being unreasonable, a hobby is fair enough but within limits. Men often forget (quite innocently in most cases) that they can only do what they like after helping mummy, especially in your case being pregnant and with 2 other children to look after. You definitely have to book some "me" time!! He is very lucky you have been so understanding - I wish I could have 5 hours a night to do what I like!!

solidgoldskullonastick · 26/10/2008 22:09

BM: no, it wouldn't make you 'bad'. You are still a person after having DC and you need time to do things for yourself. If he is prepared to look after the DC and let you have time off then it's not unreasonable of him to pursue his hobby as well.

pointygravedogger · 26/10/2008 22:11

Going for a hobby meet-up is fair enough. Hobbies are fun.

However, He's getting obsessive if he's on boards for 5 hours at night. That's not healthy.

bettythebuilder · 26/10/2008 22:24

I see what you mean about being as bad as him, but you've had a good talk about his behaviour, and he's not taken it onboard; so maybe leaving him to do the childcare for a weekend will help him to see your side of the argument.

pointygravedogger · 26/10/2008 22:28

no! Don;t go away so that he will feel things from your side. Go away occasionalyl because you want to and because you will wnjoy it. Otherwise it si most definitely not worth it

ledodgy · 26/10/2008 22:31

Come to the norh west or the London MN meetup/night out next month. Book a night in a hotel. Leave early Saturday morning and take your time getting back on the Sunday. You'l ahve a ball and give him a taste of his own medicine!

Original poster
buickmackane · 05/02/2009 09:58

Just to update: this is when H started his affair. The house he stayed at was sister of OW and he hooked up with her while he was in London that weekend.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 05/02/2009 10:05

What a knob! Are you still together? When/how did you find out about the affair?

Original poster
buickmackane · 05/02/2009 10:11

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=lone_parents&threadid=690618-39-dh-39-left-us-please-help-me-exp lain-it#14065400

try this:it's a thread about it

OP posts:
Karen36 · 05/02/2009 10:12

Hi buickmackane, I've just read through this and notice that you first posted this thread in Oct'08 and have now updated to say your husb had affair. I'm sorry to hear this, have you just found out?

NotQuiteCockney · 05/02/2009 10:15

Did he go, meaning to hook up with her?

Original poster
buickmackane · 05/02/2009 10:18

I think so, yes. I think he was talking to her through the bug forum and first met her at one of the fairs.

OP posts:
MarmadukeScarlet · 05/02/2009 10:19

lain-it#14065400

HolyGuacamole · 05/02/2009 10:39

I can't get my head around the fact that some men do what he has done. I don't think I know swear words bad enough to describe men like that! One of the positive things I read on your thread is that you have good support around you, I hope you're making good use of it because you deserve it.

How have you been getting on the past couple of weeks?