to think that friends should'nt make negative comments about my kid......

[needsomeonetotalkto]

My DS is 4 - he is very livley but not naughty!(They all have their moments!)

I was having a coffee with a friend today when she said that my DS reminded her of another kid we know (she is always complaining about his behaviour) and that my DS needs to calm down before starting school.

AIBU to think that this is nasty or that it was a joke?

She didn't use the word "naughty", you did.

it doesn't matter if the ds is an ill disciplined, badly behaved bully, you don't expect your friends to point it out

I would'nt say what she did to anyone and very hurt by this - rightly or wrongly.

There are lots of things i could say about her children to her but would'nt as a)it is nothing to do with me (as long as it does'nt effect my DC and b)I would'nt want to hurt her feelings.

"Mmm... a loud 4 year old can actually be naughty/ badly behaved etc. And a child who interacts with confidence with staff, sings loudly, runs around while waiting to go in may be a normal, happy, energetic 4 year old... or an attention seeking, ill disciplined potential bully who doesn't respect other people.."

NASTY!

Look her comments are really bothering you
But did she say it nasty or was it a passing comment....
If it was nasty
DON`T bother with her again

I do understand why you are hurt - I was VERY upset when my friend had her say about my whingy dd - but I think you need some perspective. We can't tell you how reasonable or outrageous her comment was - we don't know your kids. Maybe she was being out of order because there's some underlying issue for her (defensiveness about her own children, perhaps). Maybe she thinks (rightly or wrongly) that you are naive or in denial about the extent of your child's liveliness. I don't know. All I know is that this kind of thing happens between friends who have children. We all compare our children, we are all super-sensitive to criticism of our children (or, by extension, our mothering skills), if we spend a lot of time with them we will likely get annoyed by their children's 'endearing' habits. It goes with the territory. It's very hard to handle. I try to head it off at the pass as soon as I see it coming. I only ask my friends for their views on my child or my parenting if I am prepared for their honesty. If you think there is any possible grain of truth or good advice in what she said, then take it and be grateful. If you think it was ignorant nonsense, tell yourself she's in thrall to her own issues, forgive her and move on. If you think it was spiteful, then rethink your relationship. But try not to let it eat you up.

Sure... I used the word naughty! I'm just pointing out that one person's boisterous child is another's ill disciplined one... one person's quiet/ shy child is another's repressed one... each child's behaviour reflects not just the child's "wiring" but also their home environment/ what's considered acceptable.

It is possible that the friend is correct in her observation... equally, it's possible she's wrong... it all depends on where she's coming from.

And no-one likes being criticised by a friend and even less so having their child criticised. Sometimes criticism hurts because the truth hurts. Other times criticism hurts even more because it's wrong.

monkeyblue,

Hmm -I'm not sure. I may be reading far to much into this but I am wondering if she has issues with my DS because she has major problems with her DD behaviou which She has asked me for advice on - I have given her what I think is tactful advice and possible solutions, however I did say once that I had a problem with like her DD has with X (a child with behavioral problems at the school I work at) and I tackled it like this. I did state that I did'nt think her DD was lkie X. Also, our Dc did a show a few weeks ago and my DS sang really loudly (he was proud because he know the words) and lots of people commented in a positve way about this - he also had a couple of small parts - her DD had 1 as well. After the show she seemed pissed off.I could go on....

You used the words 'attention seeking, ill disciplined potential bully'.
Why not just tell the OP she's a shit mum with an even worse child!

Maybe she is jealous
she feels bad and wants to put you down
e.g
Ds having more lines and people commenting about his postive singing

In that case just ignore her

That is NOT what I'm saying... I'm saying that how you view a child's behaviour depends on where you are coming from yourself. The OP's subsequent post gives more information which does seem to suggest they are coming at this issue from different perspectives. No more, no less...

Thanks to everyone who gave constructive/supportive advice. It is nice to have different opinions. I will take some sapce to think things through!

I ditched a friend recently for something similar, haven't looked back, our DC's are up against enough without having to listen to that rubbish from "friends"

"you don't expect your friends to point it out"

Actually, yes I do. Especially in the way your friend did. I wouldn't expect them to say he was a naughty horrible little brat but I wouldn't be shocked to have it mentioned in the same way as the OP.

The comment wouldn't bother me, it didn't appear to be said in a nasty way. You appear to be taking lively as a criticism whereas I think lively is quite nice -perhaps you think she really means badly behaved.

Blimey, he's only 4. I wonder what would have happened if you had pulled her up on this at the time?? Would it have cleared the air or would it have destroyed the friendship, do you think? By the way, there's nothing more annoying than smug parents of naturally passive (boring) children passing judgement on other children for having a bit more personality about them, in my book. Is she one of them?? If so I would probably be ranting on MumsNet as well.

Some people are just desperate to be smug about their own children and use those around them to justify this. My DD has a friend who is a poe-faced little shit- totally cosseted, spoilt and rude to her parents but doesn't say boo to a goose in public. Her Mother thinks that my DD is horrible as she is confident, out-going and bossy . I am fed up with her using my daughter as a source of comparision because we are not comparing like with like. She is also blind to her own child's faults and encourages the friendship with my DD so that she can feel that she is the better parent because of my child's willfulness.

I have stopped the kids playing together out of Nursery as it wears me down continually hearing about how my daughter is 'naughty'. Sometimes she is and usually in public but I have high standards so very often I am the one who is telling her off. She is also a loving, charming and funny little girl and no-one wants to hear that their child is totally terrible when compared to the child of someone else.

Maybe you should step back from the playing together bit and just see her on your own. Some people are not prepared to be honest about their own children but are horribly honest about other people's.

Hear, Hear shootfromthehip! Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and all that.