To be annoyed at Ds' nanny

[Mum2OliverJames]

9/10 weeks ago i had to kick my violent X out of the house because he went too far and ended up hurting our DS, he was arrested and was given bail conditions not to contact me even through a third party.

Just before he got arrested but after i had kicked him out he came around with his parents to get his stuff, i had told him he had to come with a police escort if he wanted it but he wouldnt so i arranged for one to be there.

They (XP and his DM and DF) arrived early and so i had to shout through the door that they would have to wait a minute because i was waiting on the polie officer to come!

When the police officer arrived they were all absolutely horrid to me, saying they wanted to take the washing machine and tumble dryer (and leave me and DS with no way to clean clothes) or take the fridge, so basically making me choose between feeding and clothing my DS! the only way i managed to keep them was buy saying well there is nothing they can do because I am the one who has the receipt.

TBH i didnt want anything to do with them at all because i could clearly see they didnt have my DS' best interests at heart

Anyway, two weeks ago i decided that by excluding XPs parents from my DS' life was only punishing my DS, his nanny would never hurt him and loves to play with him, so i decided to give her a call and i met up with her and fed the ducks with her and DS.

she asked if it would be too much for her to come over and see him sometime and i said that was fine and arranged for her to come over. I said to her when she was at mine that if she wanted to make this a regular thing, her seeing DS, then she could, which i thought was a generous offer (seeing as i dont really trust her after seeing her true colours) and she pretty much turned it down, said she would text me in the week (it thursday and she still hasnt) and we will have to see

i feel like the offer which i stressed over making has just been thrown back in my face, i feel for my DS because i wanted him to have has many ppl to love him in his life as possible and i feel at her for not wanting to see my DS (her DD is now pregnant and she is the sort of woman that as soon as a new baby is on the scene all others are forgotten)

AIBU to be annoyed at her?

Sorry if doesnt make much sense, trying to get all factors down in right places

No, what you've written does make sense. You were being very kind to her to arrange contact with your DS considering her previous behaviour.

I totally see it from your point of view, and would feel exactly the same. As an outsider though I am wondering if she is hesitant because she is worried about upsetting her son? Or if he has been angry with her for maintaining contact? (with you?)

I'm sure you can appreciate that she is torn here

she is having to take sides and has both her DS (your horrific ex) and her DGS

her DS is the baby she brought up and he has turned into a fiend .. in order to see DGS and be civil to you she has to truly accept that

I think you are being decent and honourable and kind by making this offer to her. You are definitely putting your DS first.

don't ruin it now by lacking empathy for her position

i thought it was a good offer too, one i put my own feelings aside for so that my DS would still get to know his nanny, thats why i feel so about it

TBH his family arent ones to comunicate, they aren't close at all so am quite doubtful that she had even spoken to XP about coming over and even if she had i doubt he would have said anything to her (he hasnt got a pair and is a bit of a mummies boy)

even if he did protest i dont think that she should stop seeing her GDS because of how much of a prat he is

Am feeling hormonal so here goes.....if he sees her surely at some point your X will be there too? Mother-in-laws are like this I find and would be very surprised if she didnt try and get ur ds to see him. Also if your ds see's her isnt it going to make questions about your X more difficult to answer? If she is as bad as you have said I think you will both be better off without any part of that family.

Is it possible she is worried that if her son finds out he might be violent towards her?

Mof2 - i have told her that until XP has saught help for his anger issues he wont be seeing DS out of a contact center(and even afterwards it wont be totally unsupervised) and because she know that he wont do that (he is lazy and couldnt give a crap about anyone but himself) she has already asked if i could just do it with her and her DH there to supervise instead

but i wont be doing this because then XP will think that he can just do what he wants and things will still work out ok

i have tried to be as fair as i can, when XP wanted his stuff i ran around like a headless chicken trying to get everything sorted and when they can in to get it they just walked mud all over my carpet, walked all over my newly grassed garden and was very rude, i didnt even get so much as a thank you for doing it

bubbaluv - he has never been violent to anyone other than me and finally DS (not directly though)

everyone else thinks he is this decent quiet guy who would hardly ever raise his voice, let alone raise his fists (i think thats prob why i stayed with him so long )

Just going to bump this because i cant be bothered to wirte another thread about it and have a question

What do i do now? do i just leave the ball in her court and wait at her beck and call until when she decides she wants to see DS or should i text/phone her and ask her

also feel quite annoyed because i offered to send her pics of DS becausei would have thought she would want to see them, i gave her my email address and told her to email me and then i would send them, she hasnt even bothered

Part of me thinks because my XP isnt on the scene any more, that she no longer needs to bother with my DS

{sad] for you M2OJ.... leave it for now love...you don't know if MIL is having a hard time with your XP, is torn, feeling guilty or what...Give it a few weeks and see if she tries to make contact. hope it all works out ok for you.

Leave the ball in her court now. You have made the offer, her loss if she doesn't want to take you up on it. Also, it's still less than a week (I think? - you might still hear from her. She may be trying not to look too eager to take up your kind offer - which would be a bit pathetic, I know, but there you go.