Am I? Very complicated and a depressing tale.....

[tessofthedurbervilles]

Am in early stages of an unplanned pregnancy and ex partner split up with me while I was deciding what to do 'to help me make an informed decision' in his words.
He has made his feelings very clear and has told me that his feelings are not being taken in to consideration (he wants rid I have decided to keep)
To complicate things I am working for him, although he is trying to make it difficult and get me out as he also doesn't want to pay my maternity pay (he won't sack me as he knows he can't he's just making it hard)
Yesterday he was openly on the phone to an ex girlfriend in front of me....is it wrong of me to wish he would just respect my decision and leave me in peace? My blood pressure has been a concern and I have already been in hospital ... all of this he knows but chooses to continue in his mind games and bullying.
Please can people give me another perspective as I feel so angry towards him I cannot bear the thought of him holding the child he fought so hard to get rid of...and I know I have to grow up and accept he is the father but its very very hard....

Sounds like you need to find another job asap. Do you have family and friends supporting you?

It seems that if you could get some distance from him so that you can continue your pregnancy with out the pressure of working near him, both you (and him) might have some space from each other to come to terms with the fact that he will be the father?

Sounds like a very tricky situation, but you are pregnant and you need to prioritise yourself, your health and that of the baby above his petty behaviour.

Thanks I am trying to get a job (anything) but there is little about at the moment and I cannot afford not to work so I have to put up with it on a daily basis while I job hunt.

I would definitely take legal advice on your employment situation - he shouldn't be making your life a misery. good luck

What type of work are you in tess? And where are you working? Do you have contacts/friends who can put you in touch with other employers?

Yes, zookeeper has a point - if his behaviour can be construed as harrassment, try to keep a log of inappropriate behaviour including dates and times and speak to a lawyer...

And try to ensure that no matter what he does, your behaviour remains as detached and professional as possible.

Agree with zookeeper
Yes, the lines seem a bit blurred, but you both have to find some way of achieving a sense of professionalism while you are at work. Not just to be "nice" but for your health, and that of your child.

Can you tell him to back off - that your gp knows the stress you are under, and if your ex adds to it, it will be on his head.

Sounds messy

Good Luck

Were you citing his being on the phone to an ex in your hearing as an example of "mind games and bullying"? If so, that seems like an over reaction from you.

I would be more concerned about him not wanting to pay maternity pay. Make sure you know your rights fully. Is he the overall boss of his own business or your line manager in a company?

Yes it was me over reacting but it just seemed a bit rude not to take the call elsewhere and show me some respect. It is his company and he knows I need the job so he has got a bit of an attitude about him on that. I just want some idea of why he is being like this, if I understand it then I can maybe deal with it all better....

Get legal advice on your work situation before it gets messy, and also on what your rights are re: maintenance pay from him, etc. Talk to the CAB.

It's hard to advise, as don't know the full circs, but it sounds like you would be better off distancing yourself from this man for the time being, for the sake of your emotional health. You need to focus on yourself and the baby.

It sounds like he is angry with you for not doing what he wants (i.e. terminating pregnancy). He may feel he has no control and is going to become a father (with all the financial and emotional implications that parenthood brings)reluctantly, and so is more controlling at work, where the balance of power lies with him.

You have to prioritise the health of both yourself and your child and do your best to ignore his behaviour.

Get some advice re your entitlement to maternity pay/maintenance issues etc.

Maybe once he has come to terms with your decision things will get easier - he is probably still in shock (me giving the benefit of the doubt).

Hope things work out well for you.

I would get to the CAB if I were you - keep logs of every incident (even possible overreactions on your part) as you may have a case for constructive dismissal if he makes it unbearable for you to stay.

They will advise you of your maternity pay rights etc.

This must be an incredibly difficult situation for you. But it does sound like you are angry with him, rather than the other way round. I can understand that, but he is entitled to his view about things too. And he is going to become a father against his wishes, and that must be really difficult for him too.

Maybe he didn't realise that making the phone call in front of you was insensitive. I'm not sure I could call that mind games and bullying. In what other ways is he making things difficult for you?

My lovely dsd was an unplanned pregnancy - well, by dh anyway. He too had wanted his x to have a termination and she was understandably devastated. She had naively thought it would cement their relationship. But she went ahead with the pregnancy and by the time dsd was born, dh had come round to the idea and was excited about it. He was there when she was born and cuddled her for the first half hour of her life. I can honestly say that he loves every little bone in her body, and I cannot see any difference between how he is with our own much wanted dd and dsd.

Maybe you just need to give him a little time and let him come to terms with what has happened? It must have been a real shock to him (and you, of course) to find out that he was going to be a dad.

Thank you so much everyone, I am not very good at seeing the other side at the best of times, so it is good to hear other perspectives.
I think I am being hyer sensitive to his behaviour and yes I think he is furious with my decision and is going through the stages of shock anger and so on.
Any tips on how I can let go of my anger and be reasonable with him would be really great....
Oh and I just got offered a job I have been waiting to hear from for two weeks hurrahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Once I am not dependent on him things might become clearer xxxxx

That is good news. Well done on getting the job! It can't be easy to have to see him at work and some space between you might help. I bet both of you are feeling all sorts of emotions right now.

Congratulations!!

Maybe some space from each other will help you both find a way to let go of your anger.

One tip is this: when you hand in your notice to him try to remain professional. Tell him you have appreciated working with him, but you feel ready for a new challenge in your work life. Try to avoid bringing your personal situation into it, no matter how injured you feel.

He will already know the real reasons that you are leaving, but you will show that you are capable of rising above the current situation and are determined to not make things any worse between you (even if he is not so magnanamous)

Good luck with everything and congratulations on the baby!

Tess, have you checked that you will be eligible for maternity pay in the new job? Great that you have a new job, but if you have to have been in the job for a certain length of time to be eligible for mat. pay, you might find you don't get it with the new one.

I had only worked for him since 1st august....got made redundant so took a job with him so maternity benefits wise its as broad as it is long....plus this job is an extra 10k which means I can save for my baby.
The advice on being proffessional is gratefully recvd as I was wanting to flash my bum at him and shout 'you can kiss this loser' as I walked out....not very grown up I know but would have made me feel better!

that's lovely that you can get away from him then and earn more money before you stop - hurrah! congratulations and don't worry about him - he'll either come round to the idea or he won't; and if he doesn't you won't have to worry about him holding your gorgeous, precious lo when it arrives. (I had enough trouble letting people hold mine who DID love and want him!)

tess your last post has made me rofl.

Seriously though, my dd's father worked at the same place as i did when i was pregnant. It was very unplanned and taking aside his many many issues with mental health etc etc he also had not wanted to be a father. I knew he felt that i had all the control and tbh this probably exacerbated some of his problems and his bad behaviour towards me at the time.

Have the two of you managed to have a conversation about what will happen once the baby is born? Are you happy to say to him that it is his choice whether or not he becomes emotionally involved with the child?
I know that is not a nice thought to have but you do need to be practical. He will always have a financial responsibility as clearly it takes two to tango and if you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to understand this may lead to pregnancy and a child.
I found that keeping conversations very matter of fact and unemotional helped. It lessened the opportunity for arguments and further hurt for both of us.

A good website to look at is www.didnthaveachoice.com.
I found it useful at the time as there were people there willing to give me the other side of the coin and share how they felt the situation could be improved from the blokes point of view without insisting that a termination was the only answer.
There are a few nuts there as well, but lets be honest, you get those everywhere.

I think that perhaps you need to have a think about how you could work together as co-parents now rather than 2 people in a relationship. At the moment it's all vry raw for both of you, you said that you are in the early stages of pregnancy so i would allow more time for both of you to settle into the idea of being a parent now.

Best wishes for you and congratulations! I'm sure you will be a ovely mum.

I think that

lol tess . Yes, I did not mean to imply that I assumed you were not going to be professional about it, just meant that i think it would be easy (especially if he reacts badly) to get drawn into a confrontation about it. Good advice from Newspirits, though.