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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To *still* feel bitter about things in the past

19 replies

MrsSnape · 19/10/2008 21:26

DS1 doesn't 'gel' with school very well. He has asked me to move him to another school more than once but I think he'd be the same at any school and plus, I think moving school unless you have to isn't a great idea...all that disruption etc...

Then it dawned on me that as a child, I went to 5 different primary schools!

Started off in school a at the age of 5. Then we moved and I started school b. Then my parents split up and my mum decided to go and live with my grandma rather than keep the house and keep me at the same school etc so I ended up at school c. Then my mum got a flat and I went to school d. Then she moved again and I went back to school c. That was HUGELY embarrassing having to go back to the same school. No wonder I was bloody bullied and singled out all the time!

And then I went to 2 different secondary schools for similar reasons (i.e. sorry, new boyfriend...we're moving again).

AIBU? bitter and twisted for no real reason? feeling sorry for myself? etc etc?

OP posts:
Flum · 19/10/2008 21:30

Yeah you are a bit. Loads of people move schools alot as kids. We did only 3 times and my brother still harps on about it.

You might stillhave been miserable if you had only gone to one school eh? Who knows.

Bit of therapy might help you sort out your feelings about it though.

poshbloodencrustedwellies · 19/10/2008 21:37

No you aren't,I have a dh who moved schools alot due to his father being in RAF..he has never felt like he fitted in and he never had chance to make long term friends as a child,and now he finds longterm friendship difficult as he isn't used to it (he went on to be in RAF too)

You aren't bitter and twisted-school days are difficult at the best of times but when you move from pillar to post,they are even more difficult imo

AbbeyA · 19/10/2008 21:41

You just have to let it go! I went to 3 different primary schools because we moved when I was 5yrs old and had to have rented accommodation between houses. I failed the 11+ and had to go to 3 secondary schools to get my qualifications. It isn't important; it is what you do from now on that matters. Draw a line under it, it was unfortunate but it happened-you can't change it.
Find out what problems your DS has with school and try and sort them out. There is no point in taking the same problems to a new school.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 19/10/2008 21:43

I suppose....

Its just something my mum said the other day...

I was really happy at my first secondary school and finally started making friends. Then my mum moved me to a really, really bad school (it now has one of the worst names in BRITAIN) and I casually asked the other day...

"How come I was moved from School A, which was a really good school...to School B...?" and she replied really calmly "to save bus fares"

OP posts:
combustiblelemon · 19/10/2008 21:47

It sounds shitty, but try not to let your bad experiences colour your decision about your DS1 wanting to change schools. The right move for the right reasons can have an amazing effect.

sallystrawberry · 19/10/2008 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbeyA · 19/10/2008 21:48

I think that is enough to make anyone feel bitter MrsSnape! However you can't get the past back so it is better to forget it.

Tinkywinks · 19/10/2008 21:50

MrsSnape, I went to 8 different schools altogether - somehow or another, I was lucky enough to never get bullied, but I do think it affected me; I didn't do very well (academically) at school, not only because of constantly changing but I was far too concerned about making sure I fitted in.

Is that a good or bad thing? A bit of both? Joining new groups/classes/going to new events etc. certainly doesn't phase me, but ended up with crap qualifications, for example and put off studying ever again, even though others say I'm bright enough.

Why does your ds think it would be any different at another school? Isn't there the possibility that he could even hate it more?How about you set a time period, say a few months and see if anything has improved? I think, whatever issues he has with school, then it's actually a good lifeskill for him to learn how to work through them rather than running away from the problem.

katch · 19/10/2008 22:24

Mothers can be rubbish, but that is a separate issue from what to do about your son not 'gelling.'
If there are genuine reasons for concern at his current school (which can reasonably be established), and you can find an alternative you both feel positive about, it could be the making of him and alter his whole perspective regarding school.
Btw, I'm not belittling your experience, just saying it doesn't necessarily have a bearing in this matter.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 19/10/2008 22:36

Thanks for all the advice/thoughts.

DS is a little eccentric (sp?) which is why I think he'd run into problems at any school. He's a lot better than he used to be, much more confident and seems to have a few friends now but at one point he was a complete bully magnet and it wasn't just at school...I'd take him to the park and kids would start on him there too....I'd let him play out and he ended up being chased down the street by the local shits kids

I didn't know what it was about him but I was listening to him at park one day and I heard him say to another kid "you know, the way you talk to people is really rude, didn't you learn any manners as you were growing up?" and this kid was about 2 years older than him and alot bigger.

He's still like that now. He was having a go at someone the other day for not using proper grammer when they speak to him over the net. He's just more confident with it now...

Other kids: are you gay?
DS: I think I might be, why? does that make you uncomfortable?

still, he is who he is!

OP posts:
Tinkywinks · 19/10/2008 22:43

Is he the one that also wanted all the Sweeny Todd soundtracks?!
I think he sounds fab.
School is all about following certain 'cool rules' and he is not willing to be a part of that because he is too individual. He sounds VERY mature actually.

combustiblelemon · 19/10/2008 22:44

He sounds wonderful

Original poster
MrsSnape · 19/10/2008 22:52

No that's DS2 who likes Sweeney Todd. I have a couple of odd balls

I'm very proud of them, they are different from the rest but so was I and that's what I wanted them to be like. DS1 could only be settled to Nirvana as a baby He prides himself on being different.

So yes, a bit of a bully magnet but I'm sure he'll fit right in when he goes to university

DS2 is different though. He is really popular...I think because he's the class clown and is cheeky and sometimes naughty at school. He's managed to convince all the other kids that Rob Zombie IS cool and rock music IS the way forward lol.

(I don't laugh at or encourage the bad behaviour obviously, that is another issue).

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 19/10/2008 22:56

Dh moved schools a lot but I didn't. He hated it. We are both keen for dd not to move schools. If your ds is a bit eccentric, a move could be hard on him - out of the frying pan. He'll come into his own, as all us eccentric kids do eventually.

But one move is one thing - 5 moves is rather too much. You're allowed at least, hmmm, 5 minutes/month to brood on it.

beaniescreamyb · 19/10/2008 23:04

I went to 7 or 8 schools. Some of it was awful but I got to university and never looked back, People don't bully me now. I never think about the shit times I had in school. I can't change it and I din't think it's had a bad effect on the me I am now. Try to ook at it that way, if it#s not holding you back now then don't get bitter about it.

Tinkywinks · 19/10/2008 23:07

You done well there MrsSnape, my hat off to you. I'm not exactly conventional myself.

My ds is only 3 and I have visions of him being a teenager and me nagging him "Why don't you dye your hair green! Or get a piercing!A mohican would look great on you!" but I wonder if he'll turn out the opposite just to spite me. I can just imagine him pleading "But mum, I just want to study law" and I'm going "No such thing! You are going to be a rock star and that's all there is to it!"

deathbychocolate · 23/10/2008 21:35

I think it depends on the type of person you are. I have a very confident friend who moved schools and loved the changes. I moved primary and secondary schools (not my choice). I was not a confident child and found the moves extremely stressful.

georgimama · 23/10/2008 21:40

We moved a lot (army brat) and I changed primary school nearly every year. I was "fortunate" that by the time I was in secondary school my parents had split up, meaning we stayed put. I went to one secondary school.

I didn't actually mind changing schools and moving a lot though, I enjoyed it.

DH was hoiked out of a lovely school which he attended on assisted places because his parents couldn't be bothered to pay a minute contribution when the rules changed (and they could afford it) and then went to a horrible school. He is only just getting over it now.

The thing is, you can't change the past, or other people, but you can change your reaction to them. That is what DH is doing now and he gets on much better with his parents now.

ScareyBitchFeast · 23/10/2008 21:45

why is it that you changed schools to save bus fares?
wouldnt you do it?

apart from that though, i moved schools a few times and was always oddly proud of it, well 3 primaries, 1 secondary - i think - anyhoo you can't change the past - only the future

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