Not sure but I can't help myself! - started short but now is long. Sorry!

[MadameCastafiore]

Is XH - as some long time mumsnetters will know he is an arse - went through 2 years of hell fighting for custody for DD from him - he is a drinker and used to take class A drugs after DD was born and he was also violent to me.

Anyway 5.5 years on he is still seeing DD every other weekend and although I would love for him to disappear off of the face of the earth DD has a good realtionship with him seeing him every other weekend and half the school holidays, she sees both sets of her grandparents then also as stepmonster and my dear father stood against me with XH!!

Well he has DD this half term from the monday tot he following Sunday but a while ago I mentioned that DH was taking DS to Paris one weekend before Christmas and if DD would like to go we may have to jiggle things around a bit and swap weekends near half term - it was only mentioned never finalised. I did say if it was inconvienient to him DH would just take DS but DD always misses out om going and maybe she would like to this year. DH's brother lives there and DD adores him.

He rang on my birthday last week saying he would pick DD up this coming Friday (22nd). I said that wasn't his weekend and we had arranged activities for Saturday and Sunday as we won;t see DD all half term. He flew into arage saying it is his aunt and uncles 20th Wedding Anniversary and they are having a party and DD needs to attend. I said I would think about it but we have a busy weekend.

He then phoned Wednesday and informed me that he wouldn't be able to pick DD up for the party and would send his father. Now and this is the am I being unreasonable bit - last time I saw his father he was laughing hysterically in my face in court whilst I cried because the judge would not give us an answer as to who would have custody of DD until the next day and after 3 days of hell I thought I would be going home with her that night. Anyway judge agreed that I should have custody of DD - h only didn;t tell us there and then in court because DH, his mother and father and stepmonster and dearest daddy were there and they were abusive and quite scary - he said it was best that we were apart when we got the final decision.

Sorry bit off track there but I said to XH that his father would not be picking DD up - and told him why - I can't get the image of his smoky breathed cat weazel face out of my mind - I detest him and his wife who pushed XH into fighting for DD no matter if that was best for her or not. XH then said by the time he finished work and got here and back they would miss the start of the party.

Now it is just a house party, drunken affair with most people just standing in the kitchen getting pissed if any of the others had when I was part of the family are to go by. Nothing special and I have to say we have attended weddings and DHs grandmas 95th birthday without DD because XH has her and it is more hassle than it is worth to mess him around.

But this coming weekend DD and DS are supposed to have friends over for a sleepover Friday (I am returning a favour for a friend who had my 2 a couple of weeks ago), Saturday my cousin is taking DD to see HSM£ and then we are having friends over Saturday night for dinner - who DD rarely gets to see although she has grown up with my friends youngest 2.

SO what do I do - I don't want his father to pick DD up, and it is inconvienient for her to go anyway as her friend will not stay here without her being here and I am going to be letting down my friend (DD friends mum) who thinks she has a lone evening with her hubbie who is a copper and has been staying away attending court for most of the last month. It also means that I will have to eithet swallow XH driving DD back after being lashed the night before - and she will have to be back early to go to HSM and then she will be knackered when her other friends get here that night.

Half of me feels that I should just agree with him and let her go to the party and half of me feels that I shouldn't have to change things on his say so - he spent many years telling me what to do and how useless I was and now I feel like it all over again.

Am I being unreasonable - WWYD?

It's not his weekend and you already had firm plans. You don't have to do as he says when it would not be in your DD best interest (or yours). Stand firm.

I know but I did mention that I might need to change and so should I be more flexible if he wants to change things?

He threatened that if I didn't agree he would stop bringing DD up to school friends parties that fall on his weekends - he doesn't see that the only person that would suffer if he did this is his DD!!

Sounds like there are lots of good reasons to say no;

1. Letting freind down.
2. Having to see vile XFIL
3. Risking XH driving DS home after drinking the night before.
4. Denying DS fun of sleepover in return for "adults" party.

Why are you considering saying yes again?

He is not making a reasonable request, he is making an unreasonable request backed up by threats! If you give in this time you are sending a doormat message. Do you think he would be willing to change his plans in the same circumstances? I would not be happy for my DS to attend the kind of party you describe in any case.

well if you think she should go can't you take her to the party instead of having horrid ex fil pick her up?

I don't know why he is so set on her going to the party - it is just a bloody house party FFS!

I wouldn't take her - his family would be waiting at thge end of the road with torches and pitchforks and I am not willing to take DS out in the car for an hour to drop his sister off at that time of night as it would send him to sleep and we would have hell for the next couple of weeks trying to get him back into his routine.

I am going to be strong and tell him that we have plans - plans that I frgot about when he rang in the week because he caught me off guard and was rude and obnoxious.

Bloody hell - will have DH waiting round the dorr when he drops her off in case he goes mad - he wouldn't dare speak to DH in any other way than as master to servant as he is petrified of him - DH is about twice his sixze - although he wouldn't hurt a bloody fly XH doesn't know that!

Thanks guys for bothering to read, understand and for advice.

Say no. Not his weekend. Not discussed in advance. Lots planned. Be strong, and make sure your DH is in the house if you think either he or your exFIL will arrive anyway.

I'm not in quite the same situation as you MC,but have had to lay down the law on occasion to ExH re:DS.As the court agreed you have "Custody" which means that you have the right to make decisions for DD that are in her best interests(don't we always anyway?)

On several counts,it doesn't seem that attending this party is in her best interests.

I would state these reasons,and ask him to try and remember not to retaliate with threats that will ultimately upset your DD,and not you.If so,she may want to stop seeing as much of him,if he won't take her to her friends etc.

IIRC,she is approaching an age where you wouldn't be expected to force encourage her to maintain the contact,he would do well to remember that.........

Well he dropped DD off at 2.30 - 2 hours early!!

His first words were - I've taken Friday afternoon off so I will pick her up.

You should all be proud of me - I took a deep breath and said - actually she has a sleepover on Friday night and is gping to the conema Saturday morning so she won't be able to come. It is my weekend and as you have her for the following 7 days I am sure you understand why we have arranged lots of fun things for her.

He went to argue and then just gave me the look and walked off - I shouted that I wanted to talk about it and try to make him understand - but he said I am not discusing this now - so I presume he will be completely unreasonable about anything from now on and will stop bringing DD to her friends birthday parties.

God - sometimes it is easier to let them walk all over you.

Oh he was just doing that to try and save face as you had stood up to him and he didn't like it but there was nothing he could do as you were in the right.

In the long run, if he denies his own DD simple pleasures just to get at you, he will very quickly alienate her and she won't want to spend time with him. I can't see him keeping it up TBH.

It is easier in the short term to let him walk over you but it pays in the long term to be assertive. After all you are standing up for your DD's well being whereas he is just being an arse for the sake of being in control...don't let him and he will give up in the end.

Well done

No it is never the easiest option to let them constantly get there own way. He sounds very selfish and i am not really surprised if his father is anthing to go by.Stay strong because as long as you know you are doing the best for your little one that is all that counts.