...not to want ds's to 'order' their main Christmas present?

[sunnygirl1412]

This applies most to No1 son (aged 15) who is mad keen on cycling - he does jumps/stunts at skate parks. Each year, as we approach Christmas or his birthday he always has some expensive bike component that he desperately needs - mainly to upgrade the bike as the stuff he does on it means the bike needs to be bomb-proof. He has a paper round and often asks for a contribution from us, as his main present, towards whatever expensive bit/new bike he needs, making up the rest from his own money.

The other two boys do this to a certain extent too, and it finally got too much for me recently, and I read everyone the riot act about not wanting to be seen as simply the Bank of Mum and Dad, there to bankroll whatever they 'order' for Christmas/birthday.

I am probably being very unreasonable, as I do understand that if they are going to get a big gift for Christmas/birthday it should be something they really want, but I am starting to feel that I'm only here to do the paying, and that I put more thought into the gifts for my friends' children than I do for my own. It all seems rather cold and mercenary to me.

Iknow how you feel, but it is better than them getting things they won't use.

How about getting them to write a list and then pick some of the things you like best?

I used to do this for my parents (who hated thinking things up)

I often would get the big thing I wanted for money reasons, and tbh I think that set me up for a life time or understanding that if I wanted something expensive I would have to save for it (and get a job!).

YA kind of BU

I know that it must be frustrating to be told what to get them since it does take away the excitement of christmas/birthday mornings and if the item is particularily expensive then you may feel pressure to pay out for this when you weren't intending to spend that much money.

But what are the alternatives? a) Give money which might just end up being wasted and definitely does not have the excitement factor of an actual present. b)Buy something bike related which you think he may like (although you may be off the mark since the chances are he knows more about bikes than you do).

My parents must have thought I was a complete nightmare, apparently my christmas list would not only have the names of the items I wanted but where they could get them and the price! Wish I could get away with that now...

I think as our children get older this is inevitable. Ds has asked for guitar lessons and a guitar. I like the idea of him learning an instrument, so he will get his wish. So the element of surprise will be somewhat missing.
To make Christmas more 'fun' I will also buy him some small gifts so he has some surprises and some more stuff to unwrap. I have asked him to write a wishlist to father Christmas (I think he still believes, he is only just 9) and will pick some of the smaller items (books etc) .

Ok - you're all right, and if I'm honest, I knew I was being a bit unreasonable but didn't want to admit it to myself.

Would it be reasonable to give some money towards the expensive bike part (for example) and then spend the rest of the present budget for that child on something that's a surprise for him?

DD is at university & I'm starting to get emails saying 'Your friend wanted you to see this' from various clothes websites!
I think it's a good idea - I'd much rather know I've got her something she'd like, and even at 18 it's nicer for her to have something to unwrap rather than just money or vouchers.

my ds is only 4 so got all this to come I suppose. Friend has 18 year twins who have been choosing their own gifts at Xmas for a few years now, but they also get a Xmas stocking full of little bits that are surprises (she spends weeks getting the right bits and making sure the stockings look the same size etc) - they both think that getting up and seeing whats in their stockings has always been the best bit of Xmas for them so its a win win, they get what they want and she gets to give them surprises.

Sunnygirl, I would give him 90% of the money towards the bike stuff and some small things to unwrap.
There's no point in wasting your money on stuff you think he wants.
I for example have 5 unopened bottles of Channel Chance which I went of about 18 months ago because nobody can be arsed to think of something different to buy me, such a waste.

It would be lovely to be able to surprise them I agree. The year we got a computer for the first time was fab even though we had to share it. I cried the year I got an electric typewriter - so handy for writing my uni essays on, I was surprised and thrilled.

Other years I knew what I was getting.

The year I got a pink dressing gown was a low though.

From a very young age people ask kids what do you want for Christmas, everybody asks them including total stragers in Woolworths in October, I think it is unsurprising that kids expect what they want if you have previously gone along with this.

I would rather buy them something they would like and enjoy rather than something i think they would like.

I used to ask for something in particular but never assumed that I would get it but would desperately hope that I had. I would see if the parcels looked 'the right shape' etc and was THRILLED when it was what I was hoping for and gutted when it wasn't because it then meant that I had no hope of getting the item I'd hoped for because I just didn't have and couldn't get the money. My parents used to really disguise presents heavily so I genuinely couldn't work out what was in it and often it would look like something else that was 'boring' to put me off the scent.

For the main present I would much rather buy them something that they really want, dd2 who is only 2 has been telling everyone she wants a bike for xmas for months now, actively encouraged by my mum. however, it is worrying when they change there mind at the last minute, Mr X doesnt know everything.

For my sons, christmas and birthdays are the only times of the year when they get big presents. Understandably, they are really specific in what they want. If they got more big stuff at other times of the year, we could risk surprising them at christmas.

Be pleased your 15 year old wants something so constructive - it's nice that he has a hobby that keeps him fit. Buy what he wants, then a few small surprises as well. I think the surprises are important, as they add a bit more magic to christmas day.

I will be giving ds1 a cheque this year. He is 17 and still at school but working part time.

He will use the cheque for more driving lessons if he hasn't passed by Christmas time or to put towards a drum kit. (god help us and the neighbours)

There is no point in buying him stuff you think he will like,i will get ds sweets/aftershave etc and do a stocking so he has a few little bits to open.

i can see what you mean as xmas gets boring when everyone knows what they are getting.

But yes I do think it is good that your 15year old has a hobby that he is so interested in as will keep him out of trouble.