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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go on my friend's hen do

21 replies

Quadrophenia · 16/10/2008 12:58

my best friend is due to have her hen do this weekend. It is a limo ride to another town and then on to a night club. The cost per person was to be £30 exclusive of drinks, as I couldn't sfford it she said she would help me out with the cost.
Last week my dp and i decided after ten years to go our seperate ways (thread around somewhere), we have four children and I'm struggling severely with the reality of my situation. Dp has taken the week off work and is viewing flats, and i am bumbling around in my pyjamas feeling unwell and in a bit of a daze. The last thing I feel i can do is go on a hen do, i just don't feel up to it. The fact that it is in another town and I can't slink off quietly if I'm not coping really worries me. Other than my friend I don't know any of her other mates so worry I would spend large periods of time on my own being miserable. I am very emnotional when drunkn at the best of times abnd know that even if i resolved not to drink would probably end up doing so. Anyway have just told friend and she sounded so disappointed, she told me a few people had dropped out and I just feel awful. I explained my reasoning and she said she understood but I just feel bad for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 16/10/2008 12:58

btw have offered to pay here for my share of the limmo ride etc

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DANCESwithLordPsGhost · 16/10/2008 13:00

I'm sure she is disappointed but at the same time she will understand that it would be the LAST thing you would want to do. Honestly, don't feel bad, put it this way, you wouldn't have been good company anyway
So sorry to hear about your separation.

gothicmama · 16/10/2008 13:02

hy not ask her to yours another time for a girls night in

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 16/10/2008 13:05

thats a lovely idea gothicmama, we met through school so I could ask some other mums that she is friendly with

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Original poster

Quadrophenia · 16/10/2008 13:05

thanks dances

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Tommy · 16/10/2008 13:06

I'm sure she is disappointed but it's hardly important when she knows what you're going through.

a few people have dropped probably means that it's a bit of a pricey night out and she should have thought about that before she organised it.

sorry to sound grumpy about it but this sort of stuff makes me a bit

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 16/10/2008 14:07

she also asked me about her wedding day, obviously I told her dp wouldn't be coming but said perhaps someone else could come with me, she replied that it would save her money if he didn't come anyway. Thing is i really don't want to go on my own, for same reasons as hen do, I just don't feel strong enough, can also see why she wouldn't want me to bring someone random along as it is her day. Just don't know what i'm going to do

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gothicmama · 16/10/2008 15:02

would you be able to just go to the ceremony, throw confetti and make a discreet eit

alicet · 16/10/2008 15:08

I think she will get over her disappointment about the hen do. If she is a good friend anyway. And it sounds as though she does understand. So I wouldn't lose too much sleep over that.

I understand why you would rather take someone with you to her wedding but to be honest I don't really think you can do this if she hasn't said it's OK. I really didn't want loads of random people I didn't know to my wedding - we didn't invite partners of friends that we hadn't met so certainly wouldn't have wanted to have a random person along like this. I think for her wedding day you should do as gothicmama suggests - go and celebrate with her and leave discretely as soon as is polite.

MorrisZapp · 16/10/2008 15:13

Wedding hell imo.

Surely it was easier back in the day when the stag and hens had a few drinks in their local the night before the wedding.

YANBU. I personally am sick of engaged people/ fiances/ brides thinking that I owe them a present and the night out of a lifetime. I'm beggared if I can work out why.

Look after yourself, this should be the least of your worries right now.

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 16/10/2008 20:30

Oh I absolutely wouldn't take anyone who isn't invited, its just the meal afterwards is a fairly intimate affair, I'm just dreading it so much. Its awful i want to be happy for my friend on her special day but I'm just in the wrong place at the moment.

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Yanda · 16/10/2008 20:37

YANBU at all, same thing happened to one of my friends, she was due to come to my hen night and the week before her marriage broke up. I did not for one second expect her to c ome to my hen do unless she wanted to and I totally understood that the last thing she might want to do is talk about my wedding etc.

Also on the wedding point, it was a feature of our invitations that anyone who didn't have a partner was welcome to bring along a friend of their choice if they liked. I didn't want anyone feeling out of place or lonely at my wedding, I couldn't care less if I had met them before or not, its not like they are freeloading at your wedding by gatecrashing.

daydreambeliever · 16/10/2008 20:42

No YANBU, it sounds like as night out would be torture for you right now, it is hard because people feel that pressure, did I have a big anough hen do, have i made a success of my life, are there enough friends type stuff, but it is all a bit silly and you cant do what you cant do. Hope it works out ok for you.

TheSmallClanger · 16/10/2008 21:33

YANBU. Your friend should understand about the hen do.
Is the wedding very soon? I'd reserve judgement about whether you want to go until later - just keep your friend informed. Do you have a good platonic friend who could go with you if the bride is okay with it?

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 17/10/2008 11:59

wedding is in two weeks am so worried about it

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CapricaSix · 17/10/2008 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 17/10/2008 13:30

Yes have been completely open, she has known about the difficulties in my relationship though and probably sees it as a good thing that we are splitting. She hasn't expressed that she is unhappy with me, I just really sense it, I'm sure it's more to do with disappointment than anything else, i guess she's just not good at hiding her feelings.

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SixSpotBonfire · 17/10/2008 13:33

Well, in a way, it is flattering and a compliment to you that your friend is disappointed - shows that she values your friendship and company! I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Best of luck with everything.

Original poster

Quadrophenia · 17/10/2008 13:34

thanks

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Blondeshavemorefun · 17/10/2008 13:39

sure she will understand about the hen night - and if she doesnt then she isnt a proper friend imo

regards to the wedding - assume if you and your dp hadnt broken up (sorry to hear that btw) then she would be paying for his meal,so therefore as she will be gallavanting about talking to all her guests, i cnt see how or why she should begrudge you bringing a friend

MadreInglese · 17/10/2008 13:42

Q sorry to hear you are going through a bad time, you sound like a lovely friend to be so concerned about your pal.

Sounds like she's disappointed with the accumulation of all the cancellers, not just you, but as others have said if she's a real friend she will understand.

I'd leave thoughts of the wedding for now - see how you feel about it in a week's time, you could be feeling differently about it in a week

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