Grandparents and DS relationship

[Wigglesworth]

My DS is 11 weeks old and so far I have kept my distance from my parents. I love them but they drive me and my DH insane over DS, so much so my DH does not want to go round to see them as it always ends up with tension between me and him when we get home.
Already they are banging on about buying him a mini motor bike when he is older and getting him loads of extravagant gifts. We do not have the room for them as we live in a fairly small house and don't have much of a garden. I don't want all this stuff kept at their house cos then it would be like their house is really fun with all these great toys and our house will be crap and he won't want to come home. I also don't want him to be a spoilt little shit like my brother, he had everything bought for him by his grandparents (they were minted, died before I was born) and is 34 and still the same, easy come easy go when it comes to stuff and he has never worked for anything! He still lives at home, doesn't work or pay any rent yet he has a motorbike (which I am pretty sure my parents fund).
I have tried to tell them that we don't want them to buy loads of stuff for him but they just say "oh we have to spoil him he's our first and only grandchild".
Am I being ridiculous? I just don't want him growing up to be like my brother and being spoilt and not appreciating things. I also don't want him to prefer being at their house cos of all the toys. I feel that if anybody should buy him great presents it should be his parents cos he is our son not theirs! It really worries my DH cos he had grandparents interfering with his childhood and it caused huge problems!

I think you have to expect that Grandparents will spoil him a bit, but it is reasonable of you to set limits and to stop them from buying him certain things.

I buy the presents for my children from their grandparents (not little impulsive things - but big birthday and christmas presents). The cost never exceeds £25 and I always spend around the same amount. This works well for us. The grandparents are free to buy as many book and CDs for them as they want!

awww, it's early days. fwiw, my gps are minted, and i was spoilt by them but that was fab because my parents had no money. but i don't love them any less. it's way too early to worry, and why not say you just want to enjoy now with the baby not rush ahead, and could they get him a play gym/ light show / bag of nappies which he would really love right now.

Can you suggest that they put the money they'd spend into a savings account instead for your ds? Can pay for car/uni later.

The money thing is a good idea in principle. My Dad has already suggested this but at the same time they keep going on about us going on holiday with them next year abroad. I don't think that we will be able to afford it and we might like to go away on our own with DS. It would be hard to say no to them especially when they give money to DS, I don't want to feel in debt to them and that we owe them anything.
Do you think it would be bad if I told them that whilst I appreciate that they want to buy him nice stuff and help us out, I have alarm bells ringing from the past and what happened with my brother. They know he was a spoilt brat and still is, even though it is partly their fault for not nipping it in the bud early on.

I think it is a good idea to explain how you feel about your brother etc.

My mum buys dd large and noisy presents and after a while I said no more my house is too small so now anything she buys stays at her house. She has now slowed down on buy the toys.

Also dd is happy playing with her bricks and little toys like a spoon and bowl so feel that buying loads of noisy toys is showing off really. But my mum does it so she can feel like hey I bought all the best toys.

I do not think your ds wouldrather be at his grand parents then yours as they always know where home is.

Also I know how you feel about them giving to ds so you OWE them something but you really dont as you have asked them not to spend so much on ds. So maybe if they do give alot to him and you stand up for yourself and say no we are haing a family holiday alone they might feel abit annoyed and stop spending so much on ds.

Think you are being a bit unreasonable to deny them seeing their grandchild TBH and also a bit unfair on your DS to deny him the chance of having a close relationship with people that love him (other than yourselves). My DS1 is spoilt to high heaven by g/parents and it gets my goat also but he loves them and I shouldn't spoil that out of my own jealousy - and neither should you!

Use it to your advantage. My mum buys my son lovely clothes that he wouldnt have otherwise. She also saves money for him in an account. Spending money on a child doesnt mean they will grow up bad or spoilt.

I don't think you should stop them seeing your DS but I think that you need to set the ground rules early on make sure that they know the boundries.
I would arrange to see them with your DH and talk it through. Tell them that your DS wants their company and not material goods. Set a limit on the price they are to pay for Christmas and birthday presents and not to buy outside those occasions, unless it is books, jigsaws, games that they are going to play with him. I would suggest that they put anything they want to give on top of that into a savings account and give it to him on his 18th birthday. You may want different boundries to this but I would make sure that you get them in early. Just tell them that you want a holiday on your own but will do a joint one when he is older. Tell them they can spoil him rotten with their time but not their money.

at having a meeting to discuss boundaries and limits. These are people who are related and are adults. Surely they don't have to follow rules in their relationship with their grandson on something as petty as buying a present? We have rules about not feding the vegetarian children meat but not on how much they are 'allowed' to spend on them.

I have had this but with MIL, she cannot stop herself buying things for ds to the point where she was going to Hamleys every week and coming back with bags of toys. In the end DP had a word with her and said its really kind of her but A) we have no room for all these things and B) we don't want him to just associate her with presents and grow up thinking "oh Granny's coming she round, she'll have a present for me" but instead "hurray, grannys coming round to play" (this one I think was the deal breaker!)

Good luck, its hard at first and although MIL still does treat him it now tends to be books, magazines or clothes and not nearly as often (and actually as they get older you bother about it less, its not worth getting worked up about!! )

I think OP has a very valid reason for talking about it because they have very different ideas on raising DCs and it will cause real heartache in the future if she doesn't get it sorted out at the start.In her opinion they have ruined her brother and she doesn't want them to do it to her DS. A DC doesn't need lots of extravagant presents and certainly not a mini motor bike! They do need time. Some books from a car boot sale and hours spent reading them together, a game of monopoly and grandparents who will play it over and over again is far more important. I don't think it is petty, they can very easily be manipulative if they are 'buying' affection. It must be very hard if you struggle to buy a present and your DC is lavished with things that you can't afford. It is much better to really want something and strive to get it, than be handed everything you wish.
I think it is just as important as not feeding vegetarian DCs meat. I would follow the parent's instructions while they were small but once they got to a certain age I would ask the DC what they wanted to eat and expect it to be up to them. It doesn't automatically follow that the DC of a vegetarian will be vegetarian, or the DC of a meat eater will eat meat. I would respect your wishes while they were too young to know their own mind, the same way as OP parents should respect her wishes over presents when her DS is young.

I don't think that having lots of toys necessarily equates to being a spoilt brat, I think spoilt behaviour comes more from how the child is brought up, not the number of toys they have got.

My DDs have got lots of toys, (Very generous Gparents!) but they are not spoilt. We do have very strict rules with our children. For example, if DD deliberately breaks a toy, or doesn't look after it and it gets broken, then that said toy will be thrown away and not replaced and if needed, DD will get a punishment. DD once deliberately broke a toy at the age of 2/3. It was only a freebie from a magazine, but she loved it. I made the point of throwing it in the bin in front of her. She was upset about it at the time, but she has remembered it and has never done that since. Another rule we have is that if we have something we cannot trust her with (say glitter pens) then we have put them up out of the way for a week or so and not let her play with them, until she learns how to play with them properly. As I say, she has a whole playroom stuffed with toys, but I am also quite a strict mum I'm afraid, so I won't tolerate spoilt behaviour and she knows it. She's not shy in telling her friends how to behave / what they are / are not allowed to do either!

So whilst your parents give the toys, its you, as the parent wo will decide what behaviour is acceptable or not... so don't worry about your child growing up spoilt - that will only happen if you allow it. Hope that helps to reassure.

And as for your other fear - you are your son's mum. He will never love anyone more than you. My DDs have a playroom over at my mum's house (she looks after them whilst I'm at work) and she spoils them in a way I never would, They love my parents dearly, but at the end of the day I'm still mum - and you will still be mum to your DS and no end of toys will ever change that fact. And it is for that fact alone that your DS will love you best!
HTH

Soooo Abbey, if you apply that theory to the OP's problem, at what age can the dcs say, actually yes, I know my own mind and I would love a motorbike/ very expensive laptop/ whatever thank you very much.

I would ask for money in a savings account
say no more toys - or they stay at yours

but remember ultimately your DC wont be spoilt by GPs it is your actions that have the big impact

My sister is the same! She buys all sorts for my 4mo dd. I have managed to put her off for now but am dreading Christmas.

Sell things on Ebay or just ask for the receipt and take them back. If they ask why tell them. That is what I am going to start doing with my sister. I dont want my daughter turning into a spoilt brat either!!

I just wouldn't want all those toys cluttering the place up! They could keep them at their house if they felt the need. I wouldn't want them to have a laptop. I like the computer in a room where anyone can walk in at any time and I can check the browsing history. I don't want motor bikes at any age!
When they get older they might like money for a school trip. The savings account is a great idea. I think you can work out amicably what you want your DCs to have. I would expect grandparents to agree with your values. It is a big mistake to let grandchildren expect a present everytime they meet. Luckily none of my family place importance on material goods and so it isn't a problem-unfortunately it is for OP so she needs to sort it out as early as possible.

You will be the most fun, loving and wonderful people in your DS's life no matter how much they buy him. Don't worry about it.

my inlaws are like this
they go overboard
they wanted to buy dd a huge wooden dolls house that I knew we wouldn't have room for
so I bought her a small plastic one for her b/day and told them if they want to buy said massive one they can keep it at there house
my eldest ds has been going to stay with them for a week every year since he was 2 and a half
they ahev that whole week to spoil him relentlessly and they do go overboard but I don't mind because it is at their house!!

I think they know how I feel now though because they ask beofre buying big things for xmas, b'day's etc

I don't think kids appreciate stuff nearly as much as they appreciate people spending time with them, reading stories, playing games, whatever. Tell your mum this. Also give her lists of things you 'need'. Clothes, books, nice things to decorate the nursery. That way you get things you'd like for free and she's happy because she's spending her money on her gs.

Wigglesworth, that could have been me four years ago when my son was born!! We were in really similar situ. I think whereas some spoiling is to be expected, it depends on the extent and if you're not comfortable with it you have to put your foot down. I did and it was really difficult for me and my mum at the time but the good news is it has worked and she does now buy the kids the odd thing but doesn't go over the top. Hope things work out OK.

I am sure it can work out, if they sit down and sort it out in a friendly manner from the start. Grandparents should spoil-but with their time.