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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel resentful at my mum being so close to DS1

12 replies

Tryharder · 13/10/2008 22:14

My DS1 has a really good relationship with his grandma. If I let him, he's probably go and live with her and my dad! He visits 2x a week and sleepsover one night. What gets my goat is that I feel my mum is trying to undermine me and get my DS1 to love her more than he does me. She's always been critical of the way I've parented him and had a real go at me recently for being too hard on him over an episode of bad behaviour. I could go on but basically, if I tell DS1 that he can't do something in my mum's presence, he will immediately go to his grandma and get what he wants (the thing that I said no to).

He's allowed to eat what he wants at her house (chocolate for breakfast), watch as much TV as he likes, he only has to say that he wants something (eg a toy) and my mum will be there promising to get him it.

Aaargh.

In the end, they are very good grandparents to DS1 despite all the spoiling, it just gets to me that I always, always look like the bad guy while my mum is the all-giving lovely person who always say yes. DS1 is always saying to me "can we go to grandma's?" and when i say, no, not tonight, he acts like being at home with me and DP is the most horrible thing ever!

OP posts:
anyfucker · 13/10/2008 22:21

you need to speak to your mum about this

she is being out of order

she has to treat your ideas with the utmost respect and not undermine you in front of your son

she is teaching him a poor lesson here

I would be furious and would be seriously considering limiting his visits for a while if she doesn't back you up

findtheriver · 13/10/2008 22:25

This isn't a little bit of spoiling - it's outrageous! How can it be any good to let a child dictate exactly what he wants to do? Cut back on the visits and tell your mum why. Set some ground rules.

fortyplus · 13/10/2008 22:25

I've been there... The DSs are 13 & 14 now and still worship my mum. My dad used to say that the reason that grandparents and grandchildren get on so well is that they have a common enemy!

I suppose if he's only sleeping over one night then chocolate for breakfast once a week won't do him much harm.

I think you have to be grateful that you have the built-in babysitting service and that he loves his grandma so much.

Enncourage your mum to play board games and so on with him. Try to give her some responsibility for reading stories to him, practising spelling etc.

My mum and dad always enjoyed that.

Good luck!

scarymcclary · 13/10/2008 22:35

I had to cross this bridge with my mother in law and i really struggled with it when dd was little. Now she is grown (8yrs) and we have dd2 now 5yrs, its all kinda backfired on nanna!
I had to let go a bit (alot actually) let the kids go there, let them get spoiled, let them run riot at her house basically. But they have gotten wise and now know nanna is a soft touch. They run rings round her and she cant control them in the slightest (haha!). I jst have to make sure that they know they cant get away with any of it with me, what i say goes!

Yeah ok it is tough watching your kid and even listening to them say how much they love so and so, and it may seem they dont love you as much - but well its just tough for mums! Im sure your son loves you very much really.
My dd has actually said that she would rather live with nanna but well who wouldnt? she cant disipline her or control her and she gets exactly what she wants all the time. Im sure thats not the type of mother you want to be.
So my advice, in a nutshell is let her get on with it, dont look if you dont like it, restrict visits or limit them and let it backfire on her as it has done with my MIL. Its actually quite amusing at times!

scarymcclary · 13/10/2008 22:35

I had to cross this bridge with my mother in law and i really struggled with it when dd was little. Now she is grown (8yrs) and we have dd2 now 5yrs, its all kinda backfired on nanna!
I had to let go a bit (alot actually) let the kids go there, let them get spoiled, let them run riot at her house basically. But they have gotten wise and now know nanna is a soft touch. They run rings round her and she cant control them in the slightest (haha!). I jst have to make sure that they know they cant get away with any of it with me, what i say goes!

Yeah ok it is tough watching your kid and even listening to them say how much they love so and so, and it may seem they dont love you as much - but well its just tough for mums! Im sure your son loves you very much really.
My dd has actually said that she would rather live with nanna but well who wouldnt? she cant disipline her or control her and she gets exactly what she wants all the time. Im sure thats not the type of mother you want to be.
So my advice, in a nutshell is let her get on with it, dont look if you dont like it, restrict visits or limit them and let it backfire on her as it has done with my MIL. Its actually quite amusing at times!

scarymcclary · 13/10/2008 22:36

ooops, sorry!

Original poster
Tryharder · 13/10/2008 22:36

I could never cut back on visits - my mum would be absolutely devastated and for all that I moan about her to DP, we are close.

She's actually a great grandma in many ways and does all the one to one activities with him that I no longer always have the time for since DS2 was born. I had a go at her over the chocolate but was backed up by my Dad who is a bit more sensible.

Perhaps I've been a bit harsh? Reality is, I'm just a bit jealous that my first born baby boy (now 4) doesnt just love his mummy anymore.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 13/10/2008 22:37

He does, he does!

scarymcclary · 13/10/2008 22:39

Mums are mean ogres! Or i am anyway. Im the one that dishes out the discipline, im the one that says no.
Dirty job, but someones gotta do it.

scarymcclary · 13/10/2008 22:41

My dd, said she hates me and im a horrid old witch!
All because i said she couldnt play out any longer and it was time to come in.

Kids are fickle

anyfucker · 13/10/2008 22:43

of course he does love you tryharder, ya silly sod

my dc were very like this with MIL when they were younger. My nose was truly put outta joint at times

now they are getting into their teens, they don't want to visit anymore, its "boring"

they will always love her of course

but life is a circle, things change in time

put up with it if you like or could you try and get your dad more on side?

just remember, one day nanna will be a boring person too, just like you

bookswapper · 13/10/2008 22:44

listen to fortyplus..she speaks sense on this!

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