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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want sex 4 times a week whilst pregnant?

51 replies

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:01

am a regular - just named changed as DH knows my usual MN user name.

DH has a high sex drive, I don't. DH wants it every other day, no matter if I am pregnant or not.

Am 5.5 months pregnant and absolutely knackered.

We last had sex on Friday. DH gone to bed in a strop because I have refused to have sex tonight.

AIBU to want to throttle him with a pair of my extra large maternity tights?

OP posts:

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:30

expat - I had a highish sex drive when I met him so it was great but after struggling to conceive for a long time, it kind of zapped all the life out of my sex drive as all I could concentrate on was whether we would conceive or not.

Now, as time goes on (we have been together a long time), I have slowed down and he has stayed the same. He just must wonder what has happened to his rampant wife. I have tried to explain that having children and being knackered kills it a bit. It seems to go in one ear and out of the other.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 12/10/2008 21:31

So why isn't he knackered, too?

I mean, DH works and then comes home and he has his share of the chores and childcare duties, too.

He's as shattered as I am.

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:32

Oh I say No georgimama, it is getting him to understand my reasons which is the problem. He truly thinks that having it so often should be a part of a relationship and it is not normal not to have it so often.

OP posts:

georgimama · 12/10/2008 21:32

That's exactly what I was about to type expat, I refreshed the screen because you type quicker than me and I knew you'd have said it too.

georgimama · 12/10/2008 21:34

Fucking isn't a relationship. Give and take, support, love and mutual respect is a relationship. Tell him that and see how he likes it.

Sorry, that wasn't very supportive but what an arse he sounds.

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:34

He is tired but never too tired for sex iyswim!

he is fantastic as a father and a provider but sometimes lacks as a partner to me. It is probably one of the reasons why I don't want sex. There will be an underlying reason for it, I just don't delve into it too much. He says he needs it to relieve his tension.

OP posts:

Kazann · 12/10/2008 21:34

well i dont know about anyone else but i dont want sex 4 times a week when im not pregnant let alone when i am to tired most of the time.

expatinscotland · 12/10/2008 21:35

i don't blame you. i wouldn't want to have sex with someone just because they expected it and especially not someone who took a strop because they didn't get it.

i mean, we're adults, not 14-year-olds.

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:37

georgimama, we have had our problems but honestly, we love each other to bits and wouldn't be without the other. This seems to be the big bug bear in our relationship and no matter what I do, I just can't get him to see reason.

He doesn't have a father and what father figures he did have were shit to his mother so i find it shows sometimes in his ways with me. As I said, he is a wonderful father but can lack in his skills as a partner sometimes.

I do wonder why I bother tbh.

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 21:42

Wanna swap? My OH won't even hug me now

YANBU though, he needs to respect you and your changing body.

georgimama · 12/10/2008 21:42

Well you bother because you love him, obviously, and I'm sure he does love you. But he is being completely unreasonable (as I'm sure you know) and needs to change, pronto. Sex is not some higher form of existence, it's a basic physical instinct, like eating or shitting. Now, I like eating, but if I did it all blooming day, obsessively, and sulked if DH told me to put the chocs away - that would be odd and a bit uncontrolled, n'est pas?

Well I think sex is the same.

I'm not at all frigid and do really like sex btw, so I'm not a born again virgin freak.

elmoandella · 12/10/2008 21:46

i wish i was getting some. your all making me jealous. dp is never home due to constant working. and constantly shattered. we have to have sex in the middle of the night when i've been woken by one of lo's for pee/milk

but i'm with you on the issue of it being better if your both in the mood, and not just doing it coz you feel like it.

we would like to have more sex, but just dont have the time or energy. if dp is really in the mood and i cant be bothered i just give him a wank. but... i really dont mind. it's not an issue. i'm not presurised into it. he enjoys it. so it keeps him and me happy. and sometimes, i change my mind half way through and think i might aswell go the whole hog.

would you be open to this?? give him a visit from pam, then everyones happy? or would you feel presurised or uncomfortable with it?

to me this is the same as any other little thoughtful thing i do for dp. same as making a cup of tea or running him a bath. infact, probably quicker than both those things

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:47

Sorry to hear that TInkerBellesMum. I know if he DH stopped wanting it, I would panic.

Georgimama, you speak a lot of sense. Thank you.

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 21:57

Because I've had problems with pregnancy before and he has to watch how he positions himself because of my bump or avoiding hurting my pubic bone because I have PGP he is too worried to.

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 21:59

TInkerBelle, excuse me if I am wrong, were you the MN who had the article in The Mirror?

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 22:00

That's me .

Original poster

alldriedup · 12/10/2008 22:03

Well, your posting has just put everything into perspective for me. How can I complain when you have dealt with what you have had to deal with. That lovely photograph of you holding your baby touched me so much.

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMum · 12/10/2008 22:16

We all have our problems to deal with.

It's a different issue for me, which is why I find it hard sometimes that he worries because I don't put the two together. We separated for awhile before Lily-Hope was born and I spent much of my pregnancy with Tink in hospital so sex wasn't anything to do with it. I can understand he finds it off putting when he knows he's hurt me, but that's what different positions are for

You have the right to be respected and not pushed into something you don't want to do. Pregnancy either makes you feel very sexy or not at all, some women get a huge appetite and some go off sex and our men, who put us in this position, should respect our right to not be interested.

rookiemater · 13/10/2008 09:34

Someone suggested that having sex when not in the mood is akin to marital rape. I think that is somewhat harsh.

During the course of each week I do numerous things that I don't particularly want to do. I change shitty nappies, I go into a job which is currently so unstable that I feel nervous walking in the door, I make meals for my DS to reject. My DH also does a lot of things I'm sure he would rather not like spending the weekend cutting the hedges, entertaining my relatives, taking me to the hospital for an emergency appointment on the Saturday. I believe these things are done because we love and respect each other.

Oh lord I swore I'd never write about our sex life, so if you do read this DH I apologise, but you shouldn't be reading my posts anyway.

My Dh has a higher sex drive than I have. Does this make him an abnormal freak who should be controlled and refused on every occasion ? He is no different than he was when we met,if anything it is me who has changed. We compromise by doing it more often than I would choose to but less often than DH would ideally like.To me compromise is required in any relationship, but perhaps I'm odd that way.

I find it strange that some people on here seem to boast almost about their lack of sex lives. I know there are times when sex drives are low due to medical or family problems and that should be understood by the partner, but if you are in a normal healthy relationship then surely in the majority of cases, sex must constitute a part of that relationship ?

DandyLioness · 13/10/2008 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TinkerBellesMum · 13/10/2008 23:48

I disagree, how can any man not respect his partner when she is pregnant with his child? Whilst I am happy to compromise when I'm not pregnant I would be really angry if he couldn't respect that being pregnant is totally different to the rest of the time. It's 9 months and most women don't go off sex for the whole time, if a man can't give his partner some respect for that long it says more about him than her.

Boobz · 14/10/2008 10:20

Alldried up we've just been having a similar conversation on the Due March thread. My hubby and I have been together for 5 years now, and we used to be at it every day that he was in the house (he used to be in the marines so was away a lot so it was a case of pent up excitement when he came home, if you see what I mean). But then he changed jobs and lived at home full time and we went down to 3 or 4 times a week which was plenty for me. Then I got pregnant and now I just about manage twice a week and he's not happy at all. His sex drive is so much higher than mine (although it used to be more equal I have gone down over the years and he hasn't) and also the kinkiness of sex drive for me has changed too (he thinks not only do we have less sex but it's not as exciting as it used to be).

So we're not exactly arguing about it at the moment but it's definitely something which I worry about in the relationship, because I worry that eventually he will think he was sold a pup and get really annoyed that I'm not the girl he married.

Sorry - turned into a bit of a "my story" vent on your thread, but wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel, and am not sure how to fix it. I want to feel sexy all the time and want to dress up in rubber to make him feel better, but it ain't gonnna happen now and I'm not sure it will after the baby is born either. So what then?

georgimama · 14/10/2008 21:13

Are all these men still the hot, toned, wining-dining-69ing men we married? I bet not.

People change and a relationship is about changing together. Why is it women think they should compromise? I bet the men aren't down the pub agonising with their friends about how they should compromise.

Boobz · 15/10/2008 09:23

My man is hot, and romantic. And he is the one compromising as we have gone down from 7 times a week to twice a week.

But I agree it's about change.

cantpickyourfamily · 15/10/2008 09:31

god this makes me sooo angry. My exp got really annoyed with me when I was pregnant and didn't want to have sex and I had it alot less then you...

YANBU

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