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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

granny issues

17 replies

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 20:50

Oh this is doing my head in please give me your opinions if i am being unreasonable or not.

I have posted a few times about different issues i have had with my mum since ds (1m months) has been born. We have had a good few boundary issues where she has overstepped the mark with him and disregarded the way in which i bring him up. I have stood my ground regardless and relaxed things where and when i seen fit.

Mum has end stage kidney failure and is awaiting a transplant. The disease has completly changed her as a person which is something i was prepared for when this all happened although i wont pretend its always easy. Today I was offered a 3mth promotion to cover someone who is leaving - its full time but would mean a huge wad of cash coming in at a time that would help. Mum rang earlier so i was telling her about it - she basically just started rating that if im working full time she wants ds for a full day when im at work as she feels all her visits with him are "supervised" and she has a right to see her grandson on her own.

As it stands at the moment i make the 2hr round trip once or twice per week around my shifts at work to visit them. 9 times out of ten i will eat a sandwich with them and then go out shopping or something and leave them together. Other times I will stay with them but they usually take ds out for a walk. On Monday I was there and she wanted to take him for a walk and off they went for her to return before they had got to the end of the street as it was too much for her.

My reasons for not leaving him a whole day with her are..

i feel she is too ill to have him for more than a few hours. She only works every other day as she has the days off inbetween to rest as it knocks her for 6.
Overnight she is hooked to a dialysis machine for 10 hours so i dont feel comfortable leaving ds there at night incase he woke or a call came re a transplant.

*I see how exhausted she is after a few hours in his company

*She has a major insomnia problem and more often than not she seems very spaced out when i am there.

*She smokes like a chimney in the house (in the kitchen but will cover it with air freshner so you choke and then go mad i wont let m in the kitchen)

*My dad is 75 with Parkinsons Disease and though he loves seeing ds he couldnt cope with him for long periods of time

What hurt the most today is when she said its like she is being "supervised" - its like all she wants is ds and I just get in the way. I just feel like Im hitting a brick wall. I make sure she sees him regularly and i would have hoped she enjoyed seeing me too. I have explained all my reasons calmly and fully to her as why i dont want her caring for ds for a whole day but she wont accept any of them as being true.

Tell me the truth - am i being unreasonable? What would you do?

Thank you - just had to vent

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 08/10/2008 20:54

YANBU

As sad as it is for her small children/babies are exhausting especially for a whole day even before you add in that she is ill or not.

Can you visit once a week/fortnight and let her take him out for a couple of hours or go out yourself and leave her to it and look at child minder/nursery instead while you are working.

Ultimately it is your decision and she has to accept it whether she wants to or not.

nickytwoooohtimes · 08/10/2008 20:56

YANBU at all.
Your Mum is clearly not well enough to look after a wee one apart from the smoking in the house issue.
Sounds really tough for you, having yor Mum being so ill on top of these other issues.
You ar ebeing honest with her - that is all you can do and is highly commendable. Many others would have lied, including me!

Original poster

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 20:57

Thanks Armdillo. Thats exactky what happens at the moment i go once twice per week and disappear for hour or so leaving them to have time together. I work part time and ds goes to a CM - my plan is to increase his hours there for the 12 weeks i work full time. He loves it at the cm and enjoys his time round the other kids. When we go to my mums she lasts about 3hrs before she is exhausted.

Its just been one thing after another since ds was born and i think i have just had enough.

OP posts:

funkypumkin · 08/10/2008 20:58

YANBU
She is now capable of looking after your child well due to her medical condition, the smoking alone would stop me from visiting. She needs to be realistic. You are not 'supervising' her, you are the mother, she needs to respect that.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 20:58

Sorry Nicky crossed posts. Thanks for your comments. She tells me so much that I am being unreasonable and talking rubbish that i was starting to wonder if i was.

OP posts:

UniversallyChallenged · 08/10/2008 20:58

I would do the same as you but it must be so so hard for you all.
She is ill, sad,scared, thinking she wont see him grow up and this is coming out in anger and unreasonable behaviour.
For your son you are doing the right thing, but wondered if there is a compromise where she has him one day if you can finish early? Is flexitime an option (sorry if that's a pants idea but am wracking my brain cell!)

SmugColditz · 08/10/2008 20:58

yaNBU. I would be firm about this - but very gentle. It's crap being old and ill. She doesn't have to accept your reasons, she only has to accept reality, and the reality is that you have said no.

You could visit her at weekends and 'pop out' for an hour or so, so that she can have sole charge and not feel baby sat - if you feel able to do this. If not, well you're his mother and it's your job to do the best for him.

My parents would never let me stay with my grandma, which she riled against furiously, but in reality she could have dropped dead of a heart attack. They were protecting me.

funkypumkin · 08/10/2008 20:58

Sorry, that was supposed to say not capable.

Original poster

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 21:00

Thanks funky. I read this back imagining what i would write if i was giving the advice and i know im right. Just sick of being made to feel like im depriving her of a relationship with ds when its something i do my best to encourage. I dont do a 2hr round trip with an 18 month old twice a week for fun,

OP posts:

Original poster

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 21:01

Thanks everyone - you know i think if she had him every day it would still not be enough.

OP posts:

nooOOOoonki · 08/10/2008 21:02

YANBU

in the least, how difficult for all of you,

I think I would say 'ok mum lets do a trial run, I will stay in the house and you look after DC for the whole day, oh and btw no smoking in the house at all, otherwise it isn't happening' then leave her to it. (but stay there!)

ps my bf lost her mum this way and her mum had a huge personality change at the end, and was turned from a very loving person into someone unregonisable so I think I might understand where you are coming from x

Original poster

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 21:08

Its crazy the personality change. Going to get all soppy now but i do feel i lost my real mum years ago. We are into year 3 of this now and its just awful. She has alienated most of her friends - she stopped speaking to her family years ago and does not really like my dads family so all she has are me, dh and ds. It feels like she is sufficating me sometimes and I miss my real mum so much. The doctors did warn us her personality would change but i never really expected it to such an extent.

Every situtaion around her now is stressful - i cant have a converstaion with her as she is usually so out of it she doesnt take in what im saying. Its crazy im 33 and should be a woman about this but inside i feel like im about 12 and just need a hug from her sometimes. Its been awful to watch - at the same time my dad got ill and dh lost his dad to kidney cancer and i miscarried. It was a hell of a time and its just been 3 years of hell. Other than ds arriving after our 3rd ivf!! He is everythign to me and i just have to do what is right for him now.

OP posts:

hotbot · 08/10/2008 21:09

yanbu.. she is, but she is ill and poss frustated,,, unfortunately you also sound exhausted and fed up too... unsurprisingly ((((hugs))))

nooOOOoonki · 08/10/2008 21:16

poor you

and you are in such early days with your baby,

give yourself time, your DS I understand to be tiny, you must still be all over the place,

also ask yourself if you want to work fulltime, money is nice but .....

Original poster

Broodymomma · 08/10/2008 21:21

Oh i dont want to work full time but its only for 3 months and the money i would get from doing it would pay for ivf next year as we cant have children ourselves and we are hoping to have one more. Its just a lot of money to turn down for the sake of 2/3 more shifts per week for 12 weeks.

Thanks to all of you who have replied. I really do appreciate it xx

OP posts:

nooOOOoonki · 08/10/2008 21:33

oh only 3 months, so read it wrong that's not long at all!

good luck x

blueskythinker · 08/10/2008 22:30

Tell her that until your DS learns how to drive, you will have to drive him to his social engagements.

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