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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my family and friends to just get over my 'surprise' birth and stop mentioning it.

24 replies

AmIWhatAndWhy · 06/10/2008 23:29

Oh, and stop worrying that I'm pregnant again. Feels great to know I've put on a few pounds by everyone yelling 'baby' at me.

DD was born on my mums floor delivered by a paramedic who himself didn't even think I was pregnant, he thought it was an especially painful miscarriage. She was a perfectly healthy little girl, when I just thought I'd pulled a muscle or had food poisoning. Shock and awe. We took a long while to adjust to a baby we didn't expect but she has slotted in brilliantly (born 3 days short of a year after her brother, they are best of friends)

Almost two years on I still have my own issues to deal with about it, let alone having to deal with comments from others. Oh I'm mad.

OP posts:

lisad123 · 06/10/2008 23:31

i think maybe if it bothers you so much say something, but must have been a great shock for you and everyone.

ScareyBitchFeast · 06/10/2008 23:32

have you told them to stop going on about it
go on, tell them
i am sure they mean well but obviously the joke has worn thin

cheesesarnie · 06/10/2008 23:32

how old is she?if still new then yabu -i think id be in shock if someone close to me popped out a suprise baby.if shes 14 then no yanbu

cheesesarnie · 06/10/2008 23:33

ooh missed 2 year bit at end

onepieceoflollipop · 06/10/2008 23:33

I think perhaps that you need to tell them (or perhaps your dp tell them if you have one) that actually you don't want to talk about it any more. Sounds like you have had a really difficult time.

Have you ever had/considered any counselling to talk through what happened with someone neutral?

lisad123 · 06/10/2008 23:35

my mum and dad have this horrible habit of retelling old jokes that wear thin quickly. tell them enoughs enoughs.

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 06/10/2008 23:36

It was a shock for everyone, and my family were brilliant at the time.

Maybe they joke as a way to deal with it. But I hate it, and I dread to think what I'll tell DD when she's older and asks her birth story. Her brothers was amazing, and the pregnancy was amazing, for her I have nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 06/10/2008 23:38

Thanks to all, I'm regretting putting this in aibu now, might have been better in relationships.

I'm just stressing out at the moment after a few comments, and earlier sorting out photos I looked through our 'new baby' cards and all of DD's mention the surprise. It makes me feel I've failed her.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 06/10/2008 23:39

i think its an amzing birth story to tell your dd!

onebatmotherofNormanBates · 06/10/2008 23:42

But you haven't failed her, my dear?
You will worry about not having done yoga/folic.. but won't she have an astonishing story to tell everyone?
Her birth was truly amazing - she is one in a million, and strong and determined, and after you got over the shock you wouldn't have swapped her for the world.

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 06/10/2008 23:51

I'm not so sure.

Granted as I had a new baby to look after I only went out twice and drank maybe two glasses of wine, spent a lot of time lying around feeding and certainly didn't eat any soft cheeses or deli meats

But seriously, I just don't understand it. How could I not know, how could I miss that bond?

And I still think my family still think I knew all along and hid it, and think a tiny little bit sometimes that so does my DP (soon to be H).

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 06/10/2008 23:51

You haven't failed her at all!

Have you had problems bonding with her? I think I would have.

What happened must have been a huge shock for you - possibly traumatic.

I think you need to be direct and tell people you don't want to hear about you popping any more babys out.

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 06/10/2008 23:55

Oddly I bonded with her far far easier than with DS.

My only regret is I didn't even attempt breastfeeding. It wasn't so simple as she was born on my mums floor and all was good (as you can imagine)

We had to go to hospital as she was small, and we had interviews with social services etc before we could leave. Everyone else seemed to take over as I was in massive shock for the first week or so. I just thank god I have such a wonderful family that helped us through it.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmIWhatAndWhy · 06/10/2008 23:57

Sorry this is a bad time to just be ranting here, I'm not really getting my point across, or sticking to the original point.

I'm tired, hormonal, and upset. Best go to bed.

OP posts:

onebatmotherofNormanBates · 07/10/2008 00:28

Sorry, AIWAW. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

Tortington · 07/10/2008 00:30

what am amaxing and interesting occurance

one might read it in a magazine - not wonder people talk about it - its intersting and unusual

i dont blame them

congrats btw

chipmonkey · 07/10/2008 00:55

AIWAW, did you post about this before? I seem to remember a similar story from a poster before, an unexpected dd after a non-surprise ds!
Surprise or no surprise, you did carry her for 9 months and everything she needed came from you. And let's face it, in the womb, what else do they want? They don't care about "bonding" or all that malarkey. Chances are, and this would be true for a lot of people, is that with one dc already, you really don't have the time to do all the "pregnant" stuff with a second child. I used to play Mozart to ds1 in the womb, poor ds2 was lucky if I turned the radio on!n You are so busy looking after the child you already have that you really don't pay attention to the second until they are out and screaming for food!

randomuser · 07/10/2008 01:15

I know it isn't the same thing at all but I had an issue with some friends CONSTANTLY banging on and on about how one of my ex-bfs turned out to be gay and "I turned him gay" blah blah - booooring. I had to threaten them with actual physical violence (I'll THUMP you if you don't stop that!) before they would pack it in. that worked, mind.
Doubnt that'll help but it might - at least it demonstrates to them that you really blardy mean it when you say
"stop going ON and ON about it!"

nooka · 07/10/2008 01:21

Your dd will have an amazing birth story. I am sure she will love hearing it, and I guess the family will love telling her it too. I can understand that it must have been very traumatic for you though, and sympathize with the drain on your resources in having two children so close together on top of the surprise factor. I have 16mths between mine (surprise conception, if not birth) and it did take about two years after dd (the younger) was born for me to feel even vaguely OK and myself again.

I didn't really relax until dh had his vasectomy. Maybe a bit of counseling would help, so you can talk it all out without worrying about the reaction?

wehaveallbeenthere · 07/10/2008 01:27

Stop beating yourself up and start to marvel at how wonderous this whole pregnancy has been!!! OMG I'm in heavy envy. You went through the whole thing and your baby was such an angel that you never knew. Obviously the powers that be decided you needed a little girl to offset your family.
I have a cousin that went through the same thing. Two boys and she thought she wasn't going to have anymore. One day while waiting with her son at the school bus stop she said she felt a little off. The bus came and she went inside, had a glass of water and a stomach cramp. Her husband called the ambulance after she thought she had torn something with the cramp. He delivered the baby and the ambulance finished up. She never knew she was pregnant or even delivering until the event. The rest of us all envied her the sans/ heartburn, fretting, waddling...etc. and she had a beautiful baby girl that has the same personality...shy, and totally adorable. The perfect little girl. Both mother and baby were perfectly healthy but just didn't realize the party would be after instead of before.

alicet · 07/10/2008 07:04

I do am deeply envious. I do pregnancy extremely badly and it is more because of hw grim I feel when pg that I don't want anymore children!

Seriously I now I am missing the point. I agree with others who think yor dd has an amazing story to tell. And also that the whole pg excitement gets less the second time anyway esp with a small gap. Of course if she sees you are upset about how she arrived that will affect how she feels about it.

Tell your family how you feel and that you are fed up that you and dd are the butt of their jokes. They probably have no idea that you feel like this. It is a very unusual situation so it's not surprising that they are still going on about it - if they care about you I am sure they will calm down if they realise how it has been affecting you. Then consider getting some counselling - it may make no difference but if you are still upset about her arrival 2 years later maybe it will help you to talk it through with someone?

Love how wehaveallbeenthere put it about the party being after rather than before

rubyloopy · 07/10/2008 10:02

Message withdrawn

newgirl · 07/10/2008 10:34

i wonder if it i worth having some sort of counselling so you can really talk about what happened and it may give you a few phrases to stop the family talking about it in a way you dont like

maybe a health visitor would be able to suggest someone? it is available to people who have had traumatic births even years later

i agree with others too - your daughter is amazing as are you!

nymphadora · 07/10/2008 10:43

I had a friend who was a 'surprise' (born almost down the toilet) and she was proud of it, told everyone. Think she liked the fact it was different.

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