To be feeling pent-up anger towards DH or is this normal & should I be grateful?

[PonderingThoughts]

First time I've posted up here...here goes...

My Dh is not afraid to 'help' around the house, which I've always viewed as fantastic (in principle) as the impression I get from RL friends is that is rare and he's some sort of angel/cleaning fairy and I should think myself really lucky.

However, I'm getting increasingly with him just lately as he never does anything properly nd after 8 years it's starting to wind me up.

(And I'm certainly NOT a tidy-control-freak-type-of-person, I just have common sense and fore-thought!!)

BUT:
Tidying involves picking up handfuls of stuff and shoving it somewhere/anywhere out of sight (regardless of what it is or where it should live)

Washing is a bundle of stuff, regardless of colour/material/wash temp etc

Tumble-drying is everything regardless of whether it can be tumbled or not.

Shopping is whatever he fancies, regardless of price or offers or what we actually need.

Washing up is bundling everything into the sink with hot water and bubbles...and then 'leaving it to soak'...for days (or until I sort it out anyway!)

Hoovering is spaces you can physically see only (eg. a magazine on the floor would get hoovered round, not picked up) - job done.

Putting cleaning implements away is 'open cupboard door, chuck things in, close cupboard door - quickly, before anything falls back out'

Washing DS's hair is with MY (expensive)colour protecting shampoo instead of DS's shampoo (then wet towels left on bathroom floor, soap suds in bath etc)

There are loads more examples I could use.

I seldom make any remarks at all but if I do make a comment he snaps back at me:
"I'm only trying to help you"
"I won't bother in future"
"do you want to do it?"
"Can't do anything right"

Am I being Unreasonable for being [anygry] with him and thinking that he should just bother himself to do something properly and with some thought....
OR
Am I being ungrateful and should I appreciate the fact that at least he does actually 'pull his weight' and try to help?

Exactly BlingLovin.. my approach to this scenario, with DH and all exes I have ever been with ..is to do the jobs even worse than they do it (or not at all)... it has never failed to improve the standard of chores done.. although it can be a bit painful, and you need to be able to sit on your hands as your house descends into chaos in the short term..

Haven't read the whole thread. BUT

If I let dp loose on the washing he would ruin all our clothes.
Washing up he tends to do selectively and claim he 'didn't notice' half of the stuff.

However he is great at hoovering as he moves furniture and everything - I hate hoovering.
He does a good job of scrubbing the bath and mopping the floors too.

So I just let him do the things he does a good job of (and he just does them without me asking) while I am in sole charge of laundry, washing up, and what goes in what cupboard.

I can't believe youve been calling that 'helping' for 8 years, I would have got a cleaner in by now if my dp had the same standards of 'helping' as yours!

So DH is pretty good round the house and def does his share in terms of time spend round the house. But he still drives me nuts in some of the really stupid things he does. I used to nag him about it but now I've realised that most of the things that piss me off relate to things that he does not care about. He couldn't care less if his white work shirt is now hideous shade of beige. He doesn't care if his shoes are permanently filthy because they live in a heap at the bottom of his wardrobe. He doesn't care if the bedding looks like some hippy tie-dye fiasco because he left it in the washing machine all weekend. I now don't nag him about this stuff as I reckon I have no right to insist that this stuff is done "properly" - if it is me that cares about it then it is up to me to sort it out. Similarly I've stopped nagging him about letting the boys looking like extras from Oliver. I now save my nagging for important stuff like buying me flowers and making cake

[screaming in rage emoticon] Oh this drives me mad! Hoovering does not mean simply passing the vacuum over a floor! You don't get points for 'trying' when you're 27 years old! I will not thank you for doing the washing up! Graaaggghhhhh!!!

starts to hyperventilate

Crpto... a woman after my own heart!

Noahsmummy - your comment has made me go ahhhh
is your DP grateful for all that you do?

Jesus reading your comment is like stepping back to the 50's.

To the OP Your DP sounds like mine, but my DP would be able to critise things I do to.

He drives me insane with his inability to clean the outside of saucepans, hoover under the sofa, put clothes away

but I also drive him mad by making a huge mess when I cook, by leaving the car messy and not emptying the dishwasher!

I don't get this.

He's an adult. You live together. Why are you supposed to feel grateful for the fact that he does his share of the housework ineptly?

I don't consider myself 'in charge' of the housework. Neither does my partner - who happens to be male. What has his Y chromosome got to do with it?

Bling - totally agree re the being grateful thing. Even though I'm a SAHM DH still does his fair share of the housework. It's not like looking after two kids isnt real work and I simply don't have time to keep the house spotless as well.

And rookiemater - jesus, my DH does exactly the same thing re listing everything that he's done. I've tried looking glazed to see if that deters him but no. Seems a bit rude to point it out though. Perhaps I'll start doing it...

YABU - he is trying and you are throwing it back in his face. If i were him i wouldnt do it anymore. I can understand your exasperation really i can, but it would be the same if you didnt do things to his standards and he complained, you would probably make him wear his dishes

But he's using the expression 'I'm only doing it to help you'. That suggests, surely, that he doesn't see doing it properly as his actual job?

yes , my dh is the same, it drives me bonkers - have yet to undertand how my impossibly high standards concern not hoovering just in a circle ie missing out under furniture and moving bits of stuff to dust
tbh it infuriates me as i work ft and do the garden as well..... sometimes feel it would be much easier on my own and I do occasionally threaten reducing our monthly treat money for a cleaner/gardner but why should i, it would be much easier if only he would pull his weight

Message withdrawn

"But he's using the expression 'I'm only doing it to help you'. That suggests, surely, that he doesn't see doing it properly as his actual job?"

THIS is what irritates the hell out of me with DH. REALLY annoys me. He sees anything he does as something that needs praise, never mind that I work full time as well and have taken on all the paper work and therapy work for our severely disabled child and all the financial paperwork for the house. I'm still expected to praise him if he occasionally loads the sodding dishwasher.

He doesn't seem to understand what a source of tension it is for me. I personally blame his mother. She did everything. When she comes here she does everything for him. When his sister comes here she irons his shirts (FFS). I think he actually doesn't understand/realise that this is not 'my' work, it is 'our' work. He genuinely does not get it. Just does not understand it.

I don't know what the answer is but no YANBU and if you find a way to change without huge rows (we had one this morning about it) then please let me know.

Oh and if I do one thing with my 3 boys it will be to teach them that it's their job to help out with the house as well. I can see how much of the way dh is comes from the way he was brought up. He genuinely thinks a house tidies itself.

Hmmm

yanbu.

I love stealthsquiggle's notion of practiced incompetence and I think it sums up your husband. An adult should only need telling / showing once how to do things properly, after that they're pissing about or very stupid.

Now changing his behaviour is a whole different story...Could ban him from driving on the grounds that if he can't manage simple household chores then he is not ready for the greater complexity and responsibiliy of driving...

Message withdrawn