To not instigate contact with the kids dad?

[MrsSnape]

My children's father has never shown much interest in the kids, he see's them when he has to basically and there is no contact in between by phone or anything like that.

Since he split with his girlfriend he has been even worse. If he 'takes them out' for the day he basically takes them to his mother's and has them sat watching TV for hours. They get bord.

He won't take them to the cinema or anywhere interesting because he 'has no money'. I know for a fact he got paid last friday so he could have taken them out then but didn't bother.

Anyway, every weekend I find myself phoning, texting, emailing etc to ask if he's taking the kids out. Most of the time I get ignored completely. Last time I actually got through to him I asked "what time are you picking the kids up?" and he replied "dunno, when I get up" When he did come he took them to his ex's house and sat watching TV whilst the kids played with her kids.

I'm starting to wonder if he would actually have them at all if I didn't instigate it every weekend. This weekend I didn't bother to contact him and needless to say, he didn't bother to contact me either. I've decided that I'm not going to bother contacting him anymore at all, if he wants them, he can bloody well make the effort and contact me.

Am I being out of order?

It's hard to say.
Do you think if there's no contact between him and kids he will miss them and make more of an effort?
What do you think the kids will think if he just drifts out of their life?

I can see why you're pissed off! And you're not unreasonable to be so, but from kids point of view I'm not sure if tbh, you aren't just forced to grin and bear the fact that he's a lazy pita.

YANBU. It is not your responsibility to see that he takes an interest, he is a grown man.

When it bacame apparent that I was not going to take my exH back he stopped bothering coming to visit DD. Luckily she was only 9 months old at the time so there has been no upset.

I suppose your situation is much more difficult, but it doesn't sound like he is being much of a Dad to them anyway. You'd think the non-resident parent would make a special effort since they don't have to day-to-day expense and grind. You or I would in that position. FFS what is wrong with these men?

Exactly. I couldn't sleep knowing I'd not seen my kids for 2 weeks, what goes through their selfish heads?

Laweaselmys, I do see what you're saying, its not fair to punish the kids but to be honest, they're not all that bothered about seeing him anyway. He really embarrassed them a few weeks ago ffing and blinding outside of the cinema and they say its so boring when they go with him at weekends because he doesn't bother with them. He dumps them at his ex's house and leaves them to their own devices whilst he watches TV

I think DS2 would start to worry if a few weeks went by without seeing his dad but DS1 is passed caring sadly.

YANBU. I had the same thing with my DC's father. He has seen them once in 5 and a half years and that was because I took them to where he was staying (over 80 miles away).

I initiated contact with him earlier on this year via a letter telling him what his children had been up to and was rather suprised to receive a response, even though it was along the lines of "I didn't contact you because I thought the kids wouldn't be interested/or that you had new partner and didn't want to know" WTF???

Anyway two days before my eldest started secondary school I sent a text asking him to ring her to wish her luck, needless to say, he didn't bother. I have come to the rather painful conclusion that he doesn't give to shites. yeah, he may say he loves them and misses them but actions really do speak louder than words. Surely any man who wanted to see their children would go to the ends of the earth or is that just in fairytales. It's really sad but I realise now that the DC's are better off with no contact than with a rather forced and awkward contact on his behalf. It is sad though but you can't do anything I'm afraid.

Why don't you just instigate when the Ds's ask if they can see him? That way you could get them to phone and ask when they could next see him?

It may be that he resents you 'pestering' him in the week with texts and emails? (I understand your motivation to ensure continued contact between him and his kids but who knows how he might interpret it). Taking a step back and only requesting contact with the kids ask for it seems like a reasonable compromise, or only chasing once a month.

YANBU. I think its very sad when there are so many dads out there who want to see their kids and have to go to Court to get contact, that he can't be arsed.

I wouldn't go out of my way to contact him for a few weeks and see what happens. Obviously if the kids are upset and want to see him, depending on their ages, perhaps they could phone him?
You have a life of your own to live and how can you make arrangements if you are constantly waiting til the last minute to know whether the kids are going to him or not? I would imagine if you leave it for a few weeks hopefully he will notice he hasn't seen them and get in touch. You should then try to sort out defined contact, ie every other weekend on a set day/time. Hope this works out for you.

Yanbu, we're in the same boat and I have long since tired of making the effort to convince the ex to see ds. Consequently he rouses himself to see him roughly twice a year.

Luckily now he's 15, he contacts him directly, saves me venting about what a shite father he is to his face.

How old are your boys? Unless they're very little, I'd just let them know that you have no intention of interfering with their relationship with their father and that they can phone him any time they want. Then I'd just leave it to them and him to sort out, on the proviso that you know when and where they are going, of course, and it's convenient for you. I definitely wouldn't do his work for him.

I think your dc are a little young to be left to do it all but I think waiting until they mention it and helping them phone/email him to arrange contact is a good middle ground. Perhaps every 3 or 4 weeks would be enough to keep your dc happy.

Just incredible when you think of all the fuss some of the families need fathers types make. Agree with the others - he is a grown man not for you to have to make the effort.

I like the idea of leaving it unless your kids ask etc. It seems like a good compromise between you not going crazy and making sure that if they want to spend some time with the useless arse you can help them arrange something. It makes it about them and not him, which is how it should be!