To expect a little more contact from DH while away?

[PussinJimmyChoos]

He is in Syria atm as his mum is dying. He clearly did not want DS or I there (which hurts but that's another thread).

I'm profoundly deaf and can't hear on the phone. I told him just keep in touch via text message as its the quickest and easiest way and the least intrusive.

However, since he has been there, its like DS and I don't exist. I get one maybe two very brief texts a day, if I am lucky.

Now, I could understand this totally if it was near the end but he's visiting friends, family, attending gatherings etc so I know that is not at the all hands on deck stage.

I just feel as if DS and I have dropped off the radar. I've deleted the number from my phone so I'm not tempted to text him with a oh I haven't heard from you rant and its now nearly midnight over there and I have not heard from him since about 10am today. Its really upsetting me...

AIBU with this?

No you're not being unreasonable. It must be difficult to know such momentous family events are taking place and not actively be part of them. I imagine you are also anxious and feeling very emotional about the whole thing (I remember from an earlier post of yours that your relationship with your MIL wasn't the best). Still, to not know what is happening and to be barely kept in the loop would upset me too. Perhaps you feel particularly upset because you know how much you have put your own feelings aside to support your DH - but he is unaware that you are unable to be entirely honest - for admirable reasons - so the degree to which you have given yourself up to allow his grief is lost on him at the moment.

That said, I have recently been at home with our children while my DH was 300 miles away when his mother and later his father died. There was so much to organise for him and he wanted to spend the last days with his siblings and his parents totally immersed in that part of his life. We were there too for a lot of it - the situation isn't exactly like yours - but when he realised the end was coming for each of them he went alone - for quickness really. My relationship with MIL wasn't perfect by a long way - I think it was watching him leave to face such sorrow without me that was very tough. He would have loved us to have been with him - or me at least - and tried to keep me informed - but calls were awkward and brief. The emotions he was going through consumed most of his energy and were hard to express without being together alone and in person. You don't know what has happened today - maybe things have taken a bad turn and he is with his mother keeping vigil.

I don't know what you referred to by saying he clearly didn't want you there so I might have the wrong end of the stick but I think you shouldn't worry. This is an extraordinary time for him and his behaviour isn't entirely normal or predictable. Please don;t rant - you will feel shit and he will probably feel justified in being angry - it is the last thing someone needs while watching a loved one die and will not be easily forgotten. IT might cause resentment between you two - just as the MIL is finally not around to do that herself! Keep strong and supportive so you have no regrets about your own actions and if there are other issues between you, be patient and deal with them when he is back. Take comfort in your own family and friends and carry on being understanding - these are weird days for all of you and emotions are running high.

I think you are anxious rather than unreasonable. Hug your son and be ready for some days of uncertainty while your DH and his family make their farwells. XX

Mrs Bates - we meet again

Thank you for posting- very helpful. I dug the number out and text DH last night to ask if all was ok as had not heard from him. He replied yes, busy with visitors etc. I was quite as I fully understand if he was at the hospital or whatever, but with everything carrying on as if it was a normal visit him (so far) I felt that a good night text wasn't too much to ask for and I did say something along those lines.

He didn't reply and I got in a state and very worked up. He finally text me late this morning to say he had fallen asleep. We then had a nice text conversation and so I feel a lot better for that.

I've had an update on his mum...she is still walking around, eating - albeit very little and everything seems to be managed by her pain killers.

I am very worried because DH's visa (due to National Service issues) is only valid for a month and nearly a week has gone by already and I know this sounds harsh but it will be AWFUL for him if he has to leave her still alive, upset that he is going (which will not do her any good in this condition) and knowing that will be the last time ever,so a part of me wants it to happen when he is there so he can be there iyswim?

I'm very cross with the sister as she was all oh, its the end, she's gonna go soon etc and imo, its looking likely that he will have to leave her alive, which he doesn't want - he wants to be there...

Bloody awful situation. From a very selfish point of view, I also want it over so we can get back some normality..hate myself for feeling like this too!

dont hate yourself for feeling like anything.its horrible situation but i can completly understand where you are coming from

Maybe its a self preservation thing...life goes on etc...I don't know....its farking awful not being with him but I have had to do whatever made it easier for him to deal with it and if not being there was the answer, then so be it. A toddler is hard enough at the best of times without a terminally ill relative into the mix so...I've made the right decision - he seems happier that he can focus on her but....

I think as hard as it may feel for you you have to allow him to lead the way and set the pace I am sure he is doing the best he can and you are both being pulled in many different ways, I can totally understand that you want it over with. It must be hard not to be with him for both of you.

OJ - thank you for that. How are you and the kids doing these days?

thanks for asking, we are doing ok I think, it is a rollercoaster ride, we just hang on tight.

No. YANBU.

Lapin!!

Maybe should buy a vibrator...I'll be so knackered/happy from coming I won't care what's going on!