To be able to post a thread looking for support and not be accused of being a bad mother and generally a lazy and bad person.

[lucyellensmum1]

I know it is bad form to start a thread about a thread, but i am really angry and hurt.

I posted because i am worried about my DP. We have financial problems and it is taking its toll. I don't work but am now looking for a job. All i get is GET A JOB and someone actually had the audacity to say to me that i should basically send my DD to nursery because she would be better off there than stuck at home with a mother who has depression. WTF???

YES, i know i need to get a job, but that doesn't stop my DP from being dangerously stressed this week, it doesn't help NOW does it. That was not what that thread was supposed to be about, i wanted to know what i can do, in what i predict are going to be a difficult few weeks. I am worried about my DP and yes, i know it is all my fault but to tell me i am a bad mother - i am devestated.

I really felt i had turned a corner and starting to look for a job was one of the positive steps i have made. But hey, it just seems that maybe i am toxic to my family and maybe, as some posters apparently think, they would be better off without me.

Time for me to go i think.

I suggest people do read the othr thread, as you will find that nobody has said OP is a bad mother.

Practical advise was asked for and it was given.

here

Sorry, but this moving of discussions between threads is doing my head in.

Yes it is bad form to start a thread about a thread LEM and in this particular case, was totally unwarranted. You have misread what people have posted on the original.

This screams flounce to me. Don't we have a corner somewhere put aside for that?

Having looked at the thread, it is clear that you are being very unreasonable NOBODY accused you of "being a bad mother and generally a lazy and bad person". You just made that up.

You sound a lot like my little sister, who I love dearly though she is a drama queen who constantly whinges and then willfully misinterprets any help and advice that is given her. These days I try not to waste my energy and walk on eggshells around her

I'm not sure what all the issues are here but please can we all give LEM a break?

A bit of sensitivity would not go amiss. This is not going to help her feel better.

She is depressed and battling with all sorts of problems outside of her control. When you are depressed you DON'T perceive things as robustly as when you are not depressed. That's the whole point surely.

Oh someone link to the bloody thread, fgs! How can we say if OP is BU otherwise?

i said on the other thread and i will say it again on this one that your best move is glaringly obvious dh should close the business and get a job which you say he could do easily and you get a aprt time job

this would solve the financial uncertainty and give you lots of structure which would help your depression and lessen the pressure on all of you

Oops. Ta! Hang on a mo, will be back with my two penn'orth in a bit......

forevercleaning did link further down

Countingthegreyhairs - while it is true that depression can distort your perceptions, I don't think it is necessarily helpful for depressed people to just tell them whatever they want to hear, even to the extent of supporting them in nonsensical threads like this one. My own depression might have gone untreated much longer had my DH not made it clear that he could no longer cope with it, and a close friend not pressured me to go to my doctor though it was definitely not what I wanted to hear. Depression does not take away responsibilities - especially when whe have DC.

you can go on forever thinking a business could turn a corner and noit wanting to lose all you have put into it but it is the braver and wiser thing to recognise when it isnt going to work

YABU.

You cannot dictate how a thread will go or how people should respond, especially not on this board.

Anyone who's been there any length of time on here knows they'll get a wide variety of reactions and opinions - it's akin to wearing your life's story on a sandwich board in Trafalgar Square and asking folks to comment.

You get a range of responses and, for the most part, if you ask for help and advice, people will give it.

But on this board there's always the good with the bad.

I missed your other thread and whilst it's not pleasant for posters to say what they say sometimes, I think if you're feeling that delicate and fragile it's probably not the best place just the now.

YAB a bit U. I understand that you are feeling down and lacking in confidence and that is entirely understandable. But you weren't posting to say "everything is a bit crap at the mo, give us a hug or cheer me up a bit", you were asking for practical advice to solve your problems. As these seem to be mostly of a financial nature what can you expect anyone to say?

If Dh's business is not doing well, either you need to work to support him, or he works and you stay home, or you work and he stays home. It might be hard, but then life is shit sometimes. No-one can wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

Upwind - wasn't necessarily singling you out - just worried that if LEM sneaks a look at this and she really is in a terrible state, that it would push her over the edge ...

I haven't read many of her threads it's just that she sounds so miserable in the op.

I'm no expert but in my experience of having depression in my family, I know that depressed people aren't all the same. Some can take and need the straight talking approach and some respond to a more softly, softly strategy.

I agree with many of your points though, especially regarding dc.

Hmmm.... well, LEM, I'm truly sorry for your current situation and I can see the worry and stress you're going through in your posts. I do think, though, that you might be over-reacting a little bit. No one called you a shite mother or said you were doing your DD a disservice by keeping her at home with you. No one said to send her to nursery to learn algebra. Those were your interpretations of people's attempts to help. In short, no one has accused you of anything. But it's probably symptomatic of your situation that that's what you're hearing. Lots of people have tried to help you. Why else would they post?

LEM - this is groundhog day isn't it? I remember these threads from your previous incarnation. MN hasn't changed.

Many of us are depressed, CTGH.

And as a person who is myself I honestly think if a person's state is so fragile they are continually getting upset by an internet board they just came back to after a break then it might be best to take some time out to get some RL help and support.

Seriously.

I don't mean that in a bad way, and LEM knows that.

But this board is definitely a mix and a microcosym of society and not the warm fluffy cuddle type and the OP is well aware of that.

what were you expecting from this thread? That everyone would say "oh they're all bitches on that thread just ignore them" and we'd all have a group hugfest?

No-one called you a bad mother on that thread - people gave advice and you chose to take it in the way you did and became all defensive about it.

And thing is, it's not the first time is it?

If your finances are that bad then your dp needs to get rid of the business and get a job, and you need to get a job. If you as a couple are struggling financially then it is your responsibility as a couple to both take action to remedy that.

And if your depression is that severe then yes, your dd would benefit from having some time away from you and you would benefit from having some time away from your dd. that doesn't make you a bad mother - it is possible to admit that our children can benefit from being with people other than ourselves, and that we as parents can benefit from being with people other than our children.

I think she has flounced !

i think if your feeling down you may just need to not take it so personally and if your depressed then dont listen to all the negativity its easy for a person with depression to fall down about the same thing and i dont feel you need to hear how you go on im sorry your feeling down and i really hope you =can pick yourself up soon and feel better but remember no on else can do this but you and dont allow others to bring you down either its not nice when you feel at a bad place big hugs to you xx

Fair points Xpat.

Agree absolutely when you say

missed your other thread and whilst it's not pleasant for posters to say what they say sometimes, I think if you're feeling that delicate and fragile it's probably not the best place just the now.

And hopefully LEM has taken your advice.

It's just that she has - however wisely or unwisely started THIS thread - at 10.36 she was obviously feeling really terrible - and I just thought a bit of judicious morale boosting would not go amiss.

Nor was I aware of LLapin's point about

a history of inflammatory thread/titles

But I reacted to OP's last sentence "they would be better off without me" Concerned that she is going to do something very stupid.

Anyway starting to feel uncomfortable about talking about her when she's not around to speak for herself so probably should back out now.

hi haven't read all the post but read enough i feel whatever has been said ! some down right out of order may i add i feel you were just trying to get a bit of support i know what its like to be depressed i have 5 kids money is tight i,m luclike enough not to have to go to work yet my kids range from 27 to 3 yrs and my 3 yr old has just started nursery she gets 2 and a half days free so your little one will be abble to get that to i expect you,ll feel lonely when your little one goes !!please be strong things in life do get bad at times it will get better for you i,m sure please take all the bad vibes with a pinch of salt as they say !!

I was on that thread, and I think you have twisted it. The poster who made the comment about your daughter going to nursery explained herself and no one called you a bad mother.

I think it is dangerous to treat MN like a friend and expect unconditional support. At the end of the day, this is going out to thousands of people on the internet, so you don't really know what to expect.

Only family and close friends can give you realistic support through this, it may be better to speak to them
Good luck anyway