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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to take the children away at half term with his parents

22 replies

Rose100 · 30/09/2008 20:42

We have an agreement that each set of grandparents have a one week holiday with the children each year. His tend the take the children skiing at Easter. Mine do a summer break. DH mentioned a while back that he wanted to do something extra at October half term which I said no to (for various reasons, such as cost of petrol getting there, other things booked in already). DH is basically saying that he is going ahead anyway because his father has booked and paid for it, but would love me to come too, knowing that I will refuse due to difficult relations with his family. This is fairly typical of their behaviour, treating me as irrelevant and making plans with my children (aged 6 and under) without consulting me. I've told him that I will take the children off somewhere else first, but of course won't do so in practice. Do I have any powers to stop him and aibu?

OP posts:

ethanchristopher · 30/09/2008 20:43

have you got sole custody? if you really want to fight it then speak to your lawyer

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/09/2008 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 30/09/2008 20:50

is it worth making an issue of
do you have a genersally ok relationship wrt the kids

i think i would say i was pised off but ok

and dont do it again

Original poster

Rose100 · 30/09/2008 20:50

We are married (in theory)! So there is no custody agreement. He thinks it is normal behaviour to have a wife but do this kind of thing with his parents.

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 30/09/2008 20:54

I don't think its that bad tbh, the kids will get a holiday. dh has said you can go too... I wish MY PIL would take the dc away for a week - there is so much that needs doing in the house that I can never do with them here!

Original poster

Rose100 · 30/09/2008 20:55

He is also taking our eldest son away with him to Europe as part of a business related trip/long weekend later this week, again against my wishes and without giving the proper notice period to the school who are getting very stroppy about such things. My son let it slip to my mother that my MIL might be going along too (no one has told me of this). He just ignores me and books things regardless. Short of chaining up the kids or getting away with them first (or divorce I suppose), I seem powerless to stop him.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/09/2008 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Rose100 · 30/09/2008 20:57

lemon, I would be keeping the baby (he would not cope without me for a week) so no chance of getting anything done anyway.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/09/2008 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 30/09/2008 20:59

oh how weird

sorry

this is very odd

if you are married

i am really

morocco · 30/09/2008 21:00

I would be totally hacked off with dh. it's not the holiday (but that can be thrown in your face to make you look a miserable sod) it's the fact that your dh isn't coming to joint agreements/is ignoring your wishes. so no, you are not being unreasonable

I don't know what you can do about it though, apart from serve him with divorce papers. then you'll have the whole custody thing to go through though. so still the same problems

zippitippitoes · 30/09/2008 21:00

im really shocked you have all these diary arrangements set up re hols

twoluvlykids · 30/09/2008 21:02

It's a tough one, I don't think YABU. However, its nice for kids to have a relationship with GP's.

I would, I think, Put foot down with heavy hand, and say it can't be done, IVO other plans, PLUS school rules etc.

I don't go with my dh & dc's when tey go to visit their gp, and my dh doesn't come with me & dc's when we visit my parents. It works ok, but my dc's now teens.

Original poster

Rose100 · 01/10/2008 09:15

twoluvlykids, do your dc's mind this or find it strange now they are teens? I find it is much better for the children if they see GPs separately, so that the adult issue don't affect their relationship with them. My DH is continuing to play the "you are spoiling things with your unreasonable attitude card" which I have attempted to respond with "why can't the 5 of us go away for a long weekend together" but it's just game playing really. A counsellor has already told him that he has "attachment issues" with his parents and he ignored her. And divorce would mean that he would actually be able to see his parents with the children far more.

But pleased that overall consensus is that ianbu so thanks.

OP posts:

lal123 · 01/10/2008 09:22

but these are DHs kids too? Surely he has a right to a say in when they go on holiday too?

Original poster

Rose100 · 01/10/2008 10:03

That's why we've agreed a week each with both gps, with other holidays for us as a family. Otherwise, would there be no limit on how often he decides to take the kids away with his parents? Money comes into it too.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 01/10/2008 10:05

YANBU stand your ground, don't let him go. He should not be outting his parents wishes before yours. It will only get worse otherwise with them all taking over even more.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/10/2008 10:08

I would be very if my dh did this. I have issues with his parents (and so does he tbh). My ils are very manipulative and not above trying to cause divisions in the fmaily. Imho your dh needs to get his priorities right.

You are his wife and he has children with you. His parents are way down on the list after this. In your position I would be feeling hurt and disrespected and walked over.

I have no practical advice, sorry, as I am fortunate in that my dh puts the children and me way above his parents' demands and wishes.

belgo · 01/10/2008 10:11

Rose - you are not being unreasonable - my dh wants to take the children on holiday to Disneyland with his family, but without me - I'm objecting due to cost and limited holiday leave, and of course I want to spend time with my family on our own, not with his family - but it's a hard one to tackle without it building up to a huge arguement.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/10/2008 10:12

Rose I just read your post about his attachment issues. It sounds like a massively unhealthy relationship (him and his parents) and very entrenched. Sounds like a lot of damage has been done and in some ways he is still their little boy. (I am a mental health nurse btw)

Wishing you the strength and wisdom to make the right decisions for you, your children and your marriage. You are in a very difficult situation.

I would even suggest that you have counselling just for yourself (just a few sessions) as that might help you to clarify that it is not you with the unreasonable attitude. Also it might help to talk through all this with someone independent and explore any other solutions.

Original poster

Rose100 · 01/10/2008 11:02

Thanks a lot. I have had a few independent counselling sessions about it and they were sympathetic to me. His parents are control freaks. His sister is 32 and has never had a boyfriend and has no job either. She just potters around with them all day which is just how they like it. I also found the book "Toxic In-Law" helpful but the bottom line is my husband allows all this to happen, and you can't change someone else as all the books say.

OP posts:

beanieb · 01/10/2008 11:08

You should go. It won't be as bad as you think it will be and at least if you are there you get to be with the kids and have a holiday!

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